Page 11

“ N ah, where the fuck you going?” Lucky asked me as soon as I got my ass off the bed.

“I’m going on home.”

He rolled over to see the time. It was about four in the morning and I knew he wasn’t going to let me leave but I was going to try.

“Get in the bed. What’s the deal with you leaving while a nigga sleep? I didn’t do my job right if you able to get your ass up and try to go home. I don’t let people spend the night with me.”

“I don’t want to do shit like this and this is all we gon’ be about.”

“’Bout what? Sex? I want more than that but I’m tryin’ to see where your head at. I can’t figure the shit out if you keep running away from me before I can wake up with you and see how ugly you are the morning after sex. Can you please come get back in bed with me?” His voice softened.

I climbed back in bed with Lucky as he wrapped me in his arms just like Khi used to do.

The shit made me so nervous that I just wanted to go home and hide.

He smelled so good and his arms felt like home.

After two years, I was finally feeling safe around another man.

The crazy thing was, he was still a stranger.

“I don’t know what you been through that got you so standoffish with me but I won’t hurt you, Blessyn.

I’ve never been in a serious relationship, ‘cause I don’t trust women easy, but the girls I was fuckin’ with wasn’t wife material.

You different though so you get treated totally different.

I don’t want to let my guard down if you not ready though. ”

“Life just been hard for me. It’s nothing against you. Since I’ve known you, it’s always been a connection between us. Even at the club that night, you wouldn’t leave my side. It’s hard for me to trust too.”

“The first time you feel like you can’t trust me, you can leave and I won’t be mad. Just give me the opportunity.”

“Niggas have all the right words but their actions don’t match,” I told him.

“I’ll show you betta than I can tell you. I’m a nigga that likes to show instead of talk. You gotta be honest with me too. If I’m not making you happy, tell me, please. If you’re going to be my wife, all I want is you to be happy.”

“Wife?”

“You got a problem with being a wife?”

“It’s a big role. It’s something I never seen my mama do it. She been a girlfriend all her life. I don’t even know how.”

“All you gotta do is be you and be real with me. You got access to everything as my wife. But it’s too soon to be talkin’ like that. Let’s enjoy gettin’ to know one another one. Go to sleep ‘cause I know you gotta go to work.”

It took me a little minute to go to sleep because my mind was pondering on why my daddy never married my mama.

I always wanted to be just like them but they had some dysfunction in their relationship but they hid it from us well.

That was a conversation I was going to have with my mama when I went to see her.

I had a man that was ready to make me his wife and I was nervous about it.

All I knew how to do was be a mother and baby mama.

I still hadn’t told him the truth about that.

I just wanted to bury it and not bring it into this relationship.

The next morning, Lucky had me a bath ready.

He had everything spread out in the bathroom for me.

After my bath, he had breakfast done. If this is what it felt like to be with a man like him, I wanted it all.

This was a time I wish I took Merci’s word and packed a hoe bag.

Now I had to drive home to get dressed for work.

“I hate for you to leave me. Maybe you won’t be too busy to come and have dinner with me tonight. I promise not to keep you out late.”

“I’ll let you know.”

“Bet that up.” He kissed me for a few minutes before walking me out to my car. “Call me when you get home.” He leaned in the car and kissed me again.

I was feeling so bad that I was feeling the way I was.

He was doing shit better than Khi. I had to stop comparing them but it was shocking to be treated so good after a one-night stand.

Rushing to my house, I threw on a pair of jeans and a shirt and got back out the door within minutes. Instead of calling Lucky, I texted him.

“I’m shocked you stayed out all night. I guess another man beat me to the punch.”

“Good morning to you too,” I told my neighbor.

“I can’t get one date?”

“I don’t even know your name and as many women as you have in and out of that house, no you can’t take me on a date. I’m not the girl for you. I don’t share men. Now excuse me, I have to get to work.” He stepped back and watched me ride off. He was starting to creep me out.

My mama was excited to have me and Merci over at the same time. Merci didn’t visit as much as I did. I understood her reason. She had a harder life than I did and I respected her decision to stay away from our mama. She loved her but she had some resentment for her.

“Mama, can I ask you a question?” I asked,

“Yeah.”

“Why you and daddy never got married?”

She dropped the hot pot on the stove. I knew my daddy wasn’t perfect and neither was she but they still stayed together. My question made Merci get off of her phone. The expression on my mama face let me know she was uncomfortable talking about it but I needed to know.

“Marriage is only a piece of paper. It ain’t nothing special. I never pressured him. What we got works.”

She was lying because her voice was cracking.

It was something she wasn’t telling us. My mama hid so much shit from us and now it was time for her to be honest. Merci was around here fucking niggas for money and I was afraid to move on from a dead nigga.

Like we were a little fucked up because of some of the shit we seen our mama do.

“Y’all daddy had kids outside of y’all and I never said anything because I had Merci with another nigga.

It’s two more kids. I love y’all daddy though and he loves me.

We both have issues but we deal with them.

You’ll never understand what it feels like to be with a man and find out he cheats on you.

He asked me to marry him twice but I didn’t want to because I didn’t take him serious.

Good thing I didn’t because he was already married.

He went and got married to his other baby mama. ”

“Mama, what the hell? You really need some help,” Merci said. “This is not okay. I gotta go. This is why I don’t come over here. This shit is dysfunctional as hell.”

“Merci wait,” I tried to stop her.

“Nah, call me when you get home. Now I understand why you drink yourself into a fucking slumber. Mama used to do that shit too when daddy would hurt her feelings. Now I know why.”

My mama didn’t know I was doing that shit and for Merci to rat me out, hurt me. I hadn’t done the shit since the last time she caught me. My mama jumped when Merci slammed the front door.

“How long you been drinking like that?” My mama asked.

“Mama, I haven’t done it in a while. It was just a rough time for me thinking about my son.”

“Don’t be like me, Bless.”

“I’m not mama. That’s why I asked. I didn’t mean to bring up any old wounds.

I got this guy that I’m feeling and he was talking about marriage.

Like he doesn’t want to start a family or anything without being married.

He treats me so good. Spoils me without me saying anything and he watches me to see the things I like. ”

“You really like him, huh?”

“I do but I feel so bad with Khi dying two years ago.”

“Move on from that. I’m not telling you to forget him but you can’t be single all your life. If this dude good to you. Get rid of that guilt and move on. Does he know about Khi and Kj?”

“No, and I don’t want him to. I just want to move on. What do you think Khi’s family would say?”

“Fuck them! You were faithful to him until the end. Hell, even after the end. You cannot live your life based on what folks think about you. If you do that, you’ll be miserable as hell.

Do what make your heart happy. That doesn’t mean you love them any less.

If folks know the real you, then they know you genuine.

Your love will never die for them, baby. You carry them with you every day.”

I wish Merci was here to hear the wisdom that our mama had.

One wrong thing and she was gone for months before mama would hear from her again.

They had their own healing to do and I was tired of trying to force it.

When it was time, it will come. My mama squeezed me so tight and right then I didn’t give a fuck about how anyone felt.

As long as I had her and my sister on my side, I was good.

With both of their blessings, I was ready to move forward with Lucky.

Merci was my first phone call when I got in my car to get back to work but she didn’t answer.

That was typical spoiled brat behavior from her.

The only reason she was mad with me is because I stayed and didn’t chase behind her.

Merci would never win a battle by making me choose between her and mama.

I loved them both and took care of them both.

The only reason I was calling was to see where he head was at after finding about daddy’s other children.

We needed to find out who they were just in case one of us was dating one of them.

I never saw my daddy as a rolling stone but I guess my mama was good at covering up for him.

She made him seem like the best daddy in the world.

Now I had to find his ass and get some answers.