Page 29

I laid on my floor bathroom dry heaving and crying.

Crust was stuck on my face from the day before and urine that was dried up in my panties was making me itch, but I couldn’t move because I wanted to die.

I lost my son to the man that I loved. Lucky took everything from me and gave me everything at the same time.

How was I supposed to go on after this? I loved him but how was I going to look him in his face after this?

He had called and text my phone so much until it was now dead.

I didn’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone.

Boogie knocked on the door a few times and even tried to take it off the hinges, but I still didn’t move.

I knew he was only following orders but even he couldn’t get me to move from where I was laying.

Lucky was right about one thing; I didn’t mention my son.

He did ask but I didn’t expect for our shit to lead into marriage.

I fell for him, and it ended up being so fast that I didn’t have time to tell him.

Lucky was responsible for all this shit.

The past few times I went to see my son and Khi, his gravesite was always clean.

No matter how good of a man Lucky may appear, I would never be able to forgive him for fucking my whole life up.

The depression that I dealt with all these years made me hate myself.

I felt like I could have done more that day.

Every day I woke up I felt like it was my fault that my son died.

I wasn’t sure what time it was, or what day it was.

All I remember is Lucky walking out on me and knocking the air from my lungs.

My chest was starting to hurt, and my body was sore from laying on the marble bathroom floor.

By now, my baby hadn’t moved in a while, and I hadn’t eaten since before Lucky and I got into an argument.

I was afraid but at the same time I couldn’t focus on anything right now.

Sleep was finally starting to hit me, but I fought it as long as I could until my eyes automatically shut.

“Please don’t let him wear that fucking shit while he with me,” Khi fussed as I got our son dressed.

“It’s just a shirt. You can let him wear it this one time. Chill out. Where are y’all going anyway?”

“We ‘bout to chill. We’ll be home for dinner.”

Hours went by without a word from Khi. Kj’s chicken nuggets were now cold and hard as hell.

The food I had fixed for Khi was sitting across from me looking had gotten cold.

It wasn’t like him not to answer my calls.

I cleaned the kitchen up and took a shower.

It wasn’t abnormal for Khi to come in the house late but for him to have our son out late wasn’t like him.

The phone started ringing off the hook a little after nine.

“Hello?”

“Am I speaking to the mother of Kason Saint?”

“Speaking.”

“Can you come down to Grady Hospital. I believe we have your son, but he must be identified.”

“Identified?”

“Yes ma’am. We will give you more information when you get here. We don’t like to give out too much information due to HIPPA laws.”

“Yes…yes, I understand. I’m on the way.”

The hospital was a zoo. Grady was the busiest place in Atlanta.

I wasn’t sure if I needed to go the ER or to another floor.

I rushed to the desk and told the nurse about the phone call.

She tapped away at the computer and pointed me in the direction of where I needed to be.

My heart raced as I got closer to the OR nursing station.

This wasn’t good. I could feel in it my heart.

“Hey…I’m the mother of Kason Saint. I got a call.”

“Yes, we just had a little boy come out of surgery. Can you give us some birthmarks, clothing or anything he had on?”

“Yes, he had on a blue cartoon character shirt.”

“What kind of character shirt?”

“Ummm…shit, I can’t think right now. He does have a birthmark right under his eye.”

“Okay, can we speak with you in a private area.”

“What’s going on?”

“Your son was involved in a shooting today and he is on life support. Can we discuss this somewhere private ma’am?”

I was swooped up off the floor, stripped and placed into a tub of warm water.

Right when I was about to go and see my baby’s face, Lucky’s ugly ass had to come and wake me up.

He didn’t say anything to me as he washed me up.

I wasn’t sure how long I had been sleeping.

For the first time, I felt my baby move inside my stomach in a day or so as the warm water slid down my back and over my breast to my stomach.

“You missed your doctor’s appointment today, so I rescheduled it for in the morning.

I got some food on the bedroom for you to eat.

I don’t give a fuck what we got going on, you need to take care of yourself and the baby.

You been on the floor for three goddamn days.

Your phones dead and you look dehydrated as hell. ”

“Shut the fuck up, Lucky. Don’t come in here preaching to me when you did this shit. I want to die because you killed my damn son and baby daddy.”

“Honestly, fuck your baby daddy, dawg. He ain’t shit for shooting at me first when he knew he had his jit in the car and heading to the next bitch house.

You honoring a nigga that thought his street cred was more important than his own child’s life.

Now I didn’t come here to argue with you and shit but what I did come to do is make sure you were okay.

I told you when you were ready to talk about the shit, I was ready but don’t keep blaming me for some shit you have no idea ‘bout. I was there and I know what the fuck happened. I have no reason to lie to you now.”

The tears started falling from my eyes as he finished washing me up.

I let him put my bed clothes on and get me in the bed.

If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be able to move.

I was just that weak. He was nice enough to bring me some of my favorite foods.

After he got me in bed, he plugged my phone up and left.

He didn’t say he was leaving or anything.

It was best that we kept things this way.

My phone was going off so much when it came back on, I felt bad.

I’m sure everyone at my job was wondering what was going on with me.

I trusted that Perc could handle that for me.

I was mad with Lucky, but Perc was my brother, and he was damn good at cutting hair.

I felt like he knew what happened that day too, but I couldn’t blame him.

Lucky was the one that pulled the trigger.

I knew I had to make an appearance soon, but it wouldn’t be this week.

I needed all this time to get myself together.

The next morning, I dragged myself out of bed to make it to my doctor’s appointment where Lucky was already waiting for me.

We used to have so much fun together and I knew he loved me because of the things he did for me.

I couldn’t stand to be around him right now though.

It was just a regular checkup visit which didn’t last very long.

As soon as we were out of the doctor’s office, I rushed to my car but Lucky grabbed my arm.

“Can we talk?” He asked me softly.

“No, I’m not in a good place right now to talk to you.”

“Aight, I don’t want to pressure you. Please take care of yourself. You got everything you need at the house. I’m only a call away if you need me.”

“I won’t need you.”

“Well, I need you and I hope we can fix our marriage.”

“As soon as I have the strength, I’ll be filing for a divorce with your money.”

“That’s how you feeling?”

“That’s how I feel.”

“We ain’t got shit else to talk ‘bout then. You got it all figured out and shit. If you think I’mma let you go over a fuck nigga you got me fucked up.”

“My son is not a fuck nigga.”

“If this is ‘bout Kason then we gotta get through this together. I tried my best to save his life.”

“You didn’t do a fucking ‘nough. How about you should’ve never shot inside of my baby daddy’s car.”

Lucky gripped the bridge of his nose, “He shot at me first. Better yet if you sit the fuck down and let me explain then you’ll get a better picture of what I’m trying to tell you.”

“I don’t want to hear shit you gotta say. I’ll see you next week, same time, same fucking place.”

I got in my car and pulled off on him. Lately, all I did was cry and vomit.

The doctor got on to me about losing seven pounds so late in my pregnancy, but I couldn’t express that I was under a lot of stress in my marriage.

I wanted to keep everyone out of my business right now, including my mama and sister.

If they found out what Lucky did, there will be no coming back from this.

The battle had just started, and it was far from over.

Marriage wasn’t supposed to be easy, but it wasn’t supposed to be this damn hard.

I still loved Lucky and that was going to take some time to get rid of but I was over the marriage.

I owed it to myself separate myself from Lucky to heal from my hurt.

I lived with him, but I still had my own spot, and it was probably best for me to go back there.

It was there where I felt like I was closer to my son.

Merci thought it was toxic but right now, I needed his presence.