Page 99 of Alexander: Alexander's Story

“I’m so sorry, Blanks.”

He laughs, and my eyes open only to realize the insincerity of the sound.

“I’m Blanks now? Not Caleb?” His tone cuts me right back. I hadn’t meant it like that. I mean, I know I chose not to call himCaleb on purpose. Maybe I’ve been leaning on him too much. I’ve been leading him on. This is my fault.

“You’ll always be Caleb to me. It’s just...I think I’ve messed everything up.” He nods, then grabs a shirt and throws it on. Then he grabs a bag out of the closet and starts filling it.

I walk over to him at the dresser, placing a hand on his arm, and ask, “Please don’t go?”

He looks at my hand but not at me.Look at me, Caleb.

“Can’t stay, Em.”

“Please?” I plead again. He ignores me. “Please, I can’t do—” I struggle for the right way to say it. “I can’t be…um.” My fists clench and unclench, trying to fight through the mental haze. Trying to pick the right words to go with the right thought. “There’s this feeling. I-it,” I stutter, and my hands grow clammy. “I don’t know where it’s coming from, but it’s telling me that I want you here.”

“Jesus.” He shakes his head, still without looking me in the eyes. I’ve hurt him. Terribly.

“Please. Stop packing,please.” My voice grows more urgent, more insistent.

He pauses, then says, “Beg.” No trace of warmth in his voice. It’s like it’s from a man I don’t even know.

“Isn’t that what I’m doing?” I ask in exasperation. “I’m begging you to stay! Literally.”

When he finally looks at me, I don’t know whether to cry or start unbuckling his belt.

“On your knees.” The intensity of his command nearly blows me over. My heart thunders in my chest. I stare at him, and he looks at me. “If you want me to stay, you’ll get on yourfuckingknees,Emmaline.” My brows pinch together. I want to, but I’m so confused.

What would it mean if I do?

“Why?” My question comes out whispered.

“Because I’m tired of being the one who’s always on their knees for someone else.” He looks away from me, and I feel it like a loss.Please don’t go.My whole body shakes, and I want him with every fiber of my being. I want him to stay. I want him today. And tomorrow. And I can’t pinpoint when that started happening, but it’s so clear to me how it’s suddenly a fact of life.

If he wants me to beg, if he wants me on my knees, I just need one thing from him.

“I can’t get on my knees for you, not without you ask?—”

“Knockity knock-knock,” Becks chimes from the doorway, eyeing up both of us. “We have to leave for CT, girlfriend.” She looks down at her smartwatch. “Like right now.”

I look at Blanks, who’s gone back to ignoring my existence.

As I go to open my mouth and tell her I’m going to miss today, Caleb beats me to it.

“You should go.” Then, more so to Becks, he says, “She was just leaving anyways.”

“I wasn’t,” I protest.

“You were.” When I don’t move, he says, “You should.” It’s the most malice I’ve ever heard in his tone. It’s chilling. It slices me in half it’s so cutting.

The next swallow I make reminds me of the time I spent lying in a hospital bed, throat bone dry. Unable to move, unable to open my eyes. All I can remember is being in crippling pain. And this is exactly the same.

I cry as silently as possible as Becks drives me down the mountain to my appointment, then back up afterward. She pretends not to notice my sniffles so I can have some privacy. She’s good like that.

I didn’t see Alex before I left, and he isn’t around when I get home, and I honestly consider that a blessing. I don’t want him to see me like this. I don’t want to know if he saw me with Blanks earlier or if he was just coming up on us.

I don’t want to think about what it means either way. He saw us, and he doesn’t care? Or he didn’t see us, and I need to tell him?

The house is quiet. Too quiet. No one comes to check in on me after hearing the front door open, and I know what that means.He’s gone.