Page 105 of Alexander: Alexander's Story

I take it all. I hoard it, praying these will be memories that keep. That I can freeze this moment of him and me so when I look back, the solid ice won’t slip through my fingers like water.

I don’t know if I still think he’s a good man, but he’s beautiful. And he’s mine. At least he had been. At least he would be for one more night.

TWENTY-SEVEN

Alex

Could you fit enough love to last a lifetime into one night?

No.But I’m going to try.

She gave me an out. Ahead of schedule, no less. But it wouldn’t stick, not like that. And now, we were getting one last night. To pretend. To savor the end. To try and pack as much good into the last few hours as possible.

“I love you more thananything,” I whisper to her as I grind down. I watch the sadness leak from her eyes at the words. The tears run, turning her blonde hair dark at her temples.

I want to hear her say it. One more time. Onelasttime.Please, baby.

She ignores my silent plea, instead keeping her hands in constant motion. She’s strategically surveying me.

I’m telling her the truth, knowing she won’t believe it. Knowing she’s taking this all with a grain of salt, but still needing to say it. Needing to speak it for all the times I won’t be able to in the future.

I’ll tell her how perfect she is. How perfect we fit. I’ll praise and worship every last inch of her body. Her amazing and perfect body that’s gone through so much at the hands of me.

I won’t ask her to return the favor even if I’m already being selfish. Blanks was right that I’m a selfish son of a bitch. I know I’m a fucking monster, but I won’t force her to do something she doesn’t want to. Doesn’treallywant to.

“Perfect, baby.” I’m already missing her. I missed her all week. I hadn’t slept, I drank every night, and I lied straight to her face day in and day out. It had been the worst week of my entire fucking life.

All I want is to just be present in this moment, but my mind keeps drifting. And I want to ask questions. Where would she go? Does she want to go back to California? She could have the house. She could empty our bank accounts. Fuck, she could take our dog, though that would probably kill me.

I don’t care what she does, but I wanted to know. Not knowing how she would be was already killing me, and she was still with me. Physically, she’s here, but I feel the vacancy. I feel her holding back. For once, she isn’t giving. She’s done, and that’s good. I don’t want her giving so freely to anyone else in the future.

Fuck. Her withsomeone else.

I pinch my eyes closed when the burn of oncoming tears is too much to bear. She’s too busy tracing the scar on my abdomen from an exit wound to notice. It’s one of those scars that’s always just a little sensitive. It never healed right, so I shudder when she passes across it one last time.

“No one will ever see the scars you left on me…” she says quietly, “but they’ll be there.” I close my eyes again.

Like I said, I’m a fucking monster.

I can’t do this. I can’t do this slow-motion car crash again. I slam my mouth down on top of hers. If she wants hard, I’llfucking give it to her. If she wants me to fuck her like all the rest, I will. And because she’s fucking perfect, she’ll probably love it.

When I ease off for air, I tell her, “Get up.” Her eyes widen at the complete 180 shift in my tone. But she does as she’s told, sliding out from underneath me to stand beside the bed. I follow behind, pulling her in tight, my front to her back. “Now bend over.”

“What if I don’t want to?” Her bratty tone has me wanting to take her over my knees instead of impaling her from behind.

I wrap a hand around her neck and ask, “Are you mine?” I want to pretend she is.

With far less certainty, she replies, “Y-yes.” It almost sounds like a question at the end.

“Then bend the fuck over.”

This time, she complies, placing her elbows down on the mattress. My fingers trace her back, down into the swell of her spine, then out to her hips, where my hands settle in their spot.Myspot.

I’m the only one who’s ever had her like this, and as far as I’m concerned, every spot is mine. That isn’t bound to last, but I feel pretty fucking surethisis always going to be mine. No one else’s hands would mold around her this way. No one else would fit together this perfectly.

I slam into her from behind, feeling her tight cunt sheath me. It fucking pulls me in. It practically fucking vibrates with the word,mine.

I think it over and over in my head.Mine. Mine. Mine.