Page 31 of Alexander: Alexander's Story

Living five minutes away from the love of your life you’re not allowed to acknowledge is fucked. Who isn’t allowing me?Me. Yeah. Fucked. Fully aware.

“I can wrap. Just give me ten?” I ask her, and Blanks eyes the fuck out of me.

“Okay!” She says nearly exuberantly.

I beeline for the upstairs, an extra hitch in my step. That is until I walk past Eden’s room. Then I’m inourroom. Staring at the bed. Walking into her closet just to catch the scent of her perfume that lingers. My stomach turns at the reminder.

‘I love you, Alex.’

I love you, too.

I should have fucking said it back.

My old friend, regret finds me. Had I said it back within the 30 seconds she gave me, would this all be different right now? Had I said,I love you, I can’t live without you, give me all your chances, because I’ll give you all mine,would we be here together?

I slip my phone out of my pocket and hover over her name, debating.

She wouldn’t pick up. Would she?

Would she?

“We’re done, by the way,” Blanks wanders in, not bothering to knock. Yeah, that sounds about right. “We’re gonna go pick up pizza…” there’s no invite added to the end.

“Is she pissed at me?” I ask him.

“I think she doesn’t know what to think of you. Luckily someone’s already trained her to expect nothing of people, so when she gets jack shit, it’s no skin off her back.” My stomach sinks with guilt. But that’s what anyone close to me should expect.

“Tell her I said sorry. Something came up.” He looks at me, noticing I haven’t even showered yet.

Blanks scoffs, “Tell her yourself. Or, you know, don’t. Or better yet, leave her alone.” It sounds bitter, and I drag my eyes from my phone to meet his that glare down at me.

“Do you like her?” I ask, my brow furrowing.

He runs a hand along his mustache, like a tell. “My answer is irrelevant. But don’t fuck with her. Don’t play with your food. Just fuck,Pal. I don’t know why you had to do this.” He shakes his head. “I just hope to god she doesn’t fall in love with you too.” He turns and walks away, leaving me feeling like the Jess-sized hole in my heart is the least of my problems.

Emma

Christmas Eve. And I’m sitting alone in the dark, watching flurries unfurl from the sky, appearing like magic out of thin air. My mug of cocoa went cold half an hour ago, but I can’t bring myself to move from my spot in the living room to rewarm it. All the lights are off, I’m tucked under a furry blanket, and it’s just me, the moonlight, and flurries.

Happiness isn’t the right word.Contentment?I’m probably content. Safe? Mostly. But happy?No. And I probably won’t be until after Alex and I divorce someday. Being around him is equal parts pleasure and pain.

His wayward glances are like gifts, but his attention deprivation is like being suffocated slowly. He leaves you aching for the next breath every time you see him.

The best thing for me is to pretend he doesn’t exist. It’s just me in this winter wonderland. Maybe Santa’s out there, too.

There are no stockings hung by our chimney with care, though. And the bottom of the tree is glaringly empty. I have no expectations that will change between now and tomorrow morning. So, the plan is to wake up extra early, cook a big breakfast to leave out for them, and then go for a hike. Alone. And hopefully, for most of the day.

Blanks helped me find some hiking gear, a light pack, and Camelbak. Better shoes, and socks, and outerwear. It’s the best gift anyone has ever given me — their time. He spent the better part of the afternoon running errands with me before heading to Alex’s sister’s house for Christmas Eve dinner and festivities.

The invite hadn’t been extended.

For some reason, the back of my throat burned when he left.

It’s possible I’m finding myself growing attached to the only person capable of human connection in a three-mile radius, so I’ll cut myself a little slack.

Even if I was in Vegas right now, I would still feel this way. A little bit slighted. Lonely. So this is nothing new, except that everything is new.

Maybe I’ve stayed out here hoping to catch Blanks on his way in for the night, but at 11:30, it’s starting to feel less and less likely that I will. So, cradling my cup, I set it in the sink, then head towards my suite tucked away behind the great room.