Page 93 of Alexander: Alexander's Story

“I-I can’t remember.” Her memory loss mostly centers around the time she was in the accident, but sometimes, other bits are fuzzy for her. The ability to concentrate fully was still lacking, and her ability to recall with it.

Unfortunately, I can still remember vividly the last time I was there.

It’s time to replace the old with the new, though.Forward movement, right?

Emma

He’s out of his goddamn mind. A walk down to the cove would likely kill me.

But I follow him because I’m out of my goddamn mind, too. I miss the cove. Or perhaps I miss who I was when I was there last, but either way, I feel excited. For the first time in two months, it seems like I have something to look forward to.

The cool March wind whips around us as we walk. Though, my walk feels more like a crawl. It’s just a constant battle forbalance, and I fight hard to hide it from him, insisting he goes ahead of me. The struggle steals my attention from the scenery, but I’m hopeful that a long rest at the boulder will make up for it.

Still, the trees and damp earthy smell envelops me, sweeping me off my feet and away into a world where things are different. Things are better. My mind turns to a blissful zen-like state between the focus on where to step and the sanctuary-like nature surrounding me.

There’s a stirring in my chest. A memory that feels warm, and my speed increases the closer we get. I need to get there. Desperately. Liketherewill fix me.

I remember to squint as I come around the final bend, shielding my eyes from the sun that’s sitting in the mid-morning sky. And I want to cry happy tears for the first time in a long time.

I stand, heaving for breath but grateful for each cold inhale and exhale.

I made it.

Smiling, I look to Alex, who isn’t on my wavelength, but I don’t care. This is for me. I could barely walk to the bathroom two months ago, and now I’d just walked nearly three-quarters of a mile to my favorite place in the world.

“Help me up, please?” I don’t care if Alex doesn’t want to sit on the boulder and look at the water. I do.

He helps me, though, then takes a seat beside me. We sit shoulder to shoulder without talking for a long time. My elation fades the longer we sit, both of us thinking things the other probably can’t even imagine. We sit with our silence until it feels like one word would be all it takes to shatter this forever. Was our special spell in this place finally over? Would he share anything with me today? Would I?

“You know, I never even told her I loved her. Never spoke the words.”What?

I turn to look at him. His face is hard, like this hurts him to admit.

“Why?” I ask curiously.

He runs a hand down his beard before saying, “Everything about Jess ishard. Being with her washard. She...uh, reminds me of someone. Someone I resent a lot.” I can read between the lines and know he means Georgia. “And maybe I’m projecting, but I just needed her to say sorry about what happened with Damian. And she hasn’t. Not once. And I guess, I felt like, if she couldn’t say sorry, I couldn’t say I love you.”Wow.

“Have you told her this?” He shakes his head. It feels like this is the crux of all their issues. And I’m pissed he’s telling me this. Why now? I want to shake my head and tell him to go tell her instead.Go be with her already! Why is he doing this today? Why would he ruin this moment with this?!

“Why do I need to tell someone to apologize? If they did something wrong, I want them to acknowledge that on their own. Otherwise, it doesn’t mean anything.” He has a point, but still, what is the point?

“The only person I’ve said ‘I love you’ to, aside from my family and my daughter, is you, Emma.” My throat feels swollen suddenly. We used to throw “I love you” around some days like they were beads at Mardi Gras. At times, I even wondered if he was too cavalier with it.

It hasn’t been like that since the accident, though.

“When I tell you I love you, Emma,” he turns to look at me, reigniting a flame that’s dwindled since I came home, “I mean it. I love who you are. I love whoweare. I love that there’s no one else in this entire world who knows me like you. And even when you didn’t know me, you showed me a capacity for love I didn’t know existed yet.” He sneaks a hand down to grasp mine in his. He punctuates the statement with the half smile I used to adore.

My chest burns.

“Even when I was the one in the wrong, you apologized, Em.” His eyes cloud with tears, and mine start to as well.

This is his fucked-up version of a pep talk. I know it. This is him trying at 110%. I give him a wan smile back. I meant what I said when I said I’d forgiven him. Whatever it was, it didn’t matter. Not then. Not now.

The magic of this place bleeds into me, and I can remember the phenomenon surrounding us. It’s that nothing else exists outside of this moment. It’s just him and just me. The past dissipates, the future doesn’t matter. It’s just this existence that we’re sharing together right here, right now.

“I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, Em. But I do know you’re the only person on Earth worth trying for.”

“Alex,” I whisper his name, remembering why I love him. “I love you.” He nods, then leans in to kiss me. His warm lips press against mine. A gloved finger tilts my chin up, and his warmth seeps into me.