Page 100 of Alexander: Alexander's Story

“Becks, I’m gonna go for a walk before dinner, k?” She gives me a little nod, and I slip out the mudroom door.

With the sun up till nearly eight, I wouldn’t need anything more than the light sweatshirt I’m already wearing. With absolutely no rush, I meander down to the cove. I don’t feel any pull to the house anymore. In fact, it’s the opposite. I don’t want to be there at all. But I do feel a pull tohere.

The pine needles underfoot have turned chestnut brown in the recent heat, and the nearly always damp forest floor has dried with it. The sun rays filter in between branches and vines, bathing everything in its path with a golden glow, and I sniffle the last of the tears as my nervous system settles in the new environment.

I let myself let it out, and I’ve officially run dry.

My cove is empty, aside from Blanks’s t-shirt and shoes. Picking up the shirt, I climb the boulder, then sit crisscross to watch the water.

I pull the shirt up, inhaling his spicy, masculine scent. With it comes flickers of dreams I’ve had of him. Lately, it’s been this recurring dream of him and me getting married. It looks just like my wedding to Alex, but it’s Blanks standing in his place.

I’ve told no one about the dreams becausefuck, they’re embarrassing. But I still get a warm feeling when I think of them. Especially for what they are.Dreams.

It’s nice to dream, but reality is where I live.

I once had a dream of falling in love, too. I never dreamt of falling in love with two men. Least of all at the same time. The irony.

I close my eyes and listen to the sound of a faraway motorboat and the rustling boughs on the trees.

This place is still my magical place, and it never steers me wrong or fails to ease the pain. The longer I sit, the more I can feel my mood shift. I can feel the acceptance take over.

This is the first place I’ve ever known sanctuary. Where I finally understood the meaning.

I don’t doubt that there are other places that rival Spearhead’s beauty, if not surpass it. But no other place would hold the same appeal. No other place would be the one that comforted me for the first time in my life, blanketed me in contentment. Made my heart sing with joy. Made me feel like I had started breathing for the first time.

Being in love with Alexander feels the same. There are others. There is better. But no one is him.

Blanks was a fantasy. Alex is reality, imperfect and messy. And I know I won’t love another the same way I love him.

I hope the same is true for him. I know he loves me even though he still loves her.

Somehow, I doubt he loves memore. He just loves me different.

And that’s okay.

Blanks was a distraction. He was the one I latched on to because, simply put, he’d been there. And he was my friend; I should have never let there be anything more.

But Alex…I couldn’t imagine a time I wouldn’t be in love with him. He would be my constant. Even when he hurts me. Even when he can’t give all of himself to me. Even still, he’ll always be the one who matches me in every way.

Eventually, the sting of Blanks’s departure will fade just like it had once before. Alex and I will both apologize for the way everything happened today, and then we’ll move forward. Because that’s something he and I are good at.

With a sort of peaceful resignation, I head back towards the house.

When I open the mudroom door, I hear talking, and for a brief moment, I think he might have come back.

“She picked this out?”Alex?“Really?”

“Okay, fine. No, I did,” Becks replies.

I find them in the dining room, sorting through the options for the wedding.

“Hey.” They both look up at the sound of my voice. Alex gives me his signature half-smile.

“I think we’ve got things sorted into Emma-would-like-this and Emma-will-not piles,” he says while pointing to two stacks on opposite ends of our dining room table.

I smile back. “That’s great. I’ll try them on tomorrow.” My stomach twists at the thought of actually going, but I started this...

“I’m gonna head to bed. I’m exhausted.” It’s the truth.