Page 96 of Alexander: Alexander's Story

I imagined him smiling, telling me how proud of me he was for setting this goal and getting there. I imagined after trying on all the stupid dresses for him, he would start seeing me as a fully functioning woman again. Not just his charge. Because aside from a few kisses here and there, he hasn’t so much as touched me in a sexual way since before the accident.Maybe hasn’t even looked at me in a sexual way, either...

I imagined a long flight, curled up against him, and leaving this place behind for a little bit. I imagined a lot of things, but none of them had come to fruition. Not even the scenes in my worst-case-scenario mental file.

There had been him being awkward as hell about it. There was the instance where I pictured him crying. I mean, I guess that’s a little far-fetched, and it would have been fucking terrible, but I think today was worse.

Whether he says so or not, it means a lot that he can’t do this. Sure, I knew he probably wouldn’t jump for joy, but I supposed — I’d hoped — he would think ofmefirst. Nother.

But I know that’s not the case. I’ve known for some time.

My memory isn’t back, per se, but I can remember thesefeelings. I can remember feeling gutted. I don’t know when, where, or why, but even just thinking about it, I can feel it all over again. It’s the turning-in-your-stomach, ice-in-your-veins feeling. It’s the “I feel like I’m dying” feeling. It’s the “I’ll never be whole again” feeling.

He told me he wronged me, and I guess it doesn’t take a rocket scientist with three working brain cells, like me, to figure it out.

I’m panting when I make it to the cove. Feels like a record time. Five minutes max. I might have even run. Couldn’t tell you, though; my mind was too clouded with pain and rage.

I shake my hands out to my sides, trying to get the trembling to cease, but, “Ugh!” I shout, standing in the small landing area in front of the boulder.

I inhale and exhale. I think of all the calming exercises I’ve learned in therapy. I try to think about happy thoughts.Puppies and flowers and sunshine.But the thoughts are overwhelming. I feel trapped. In this life. In this body. In these clothes. The June sun feels like it’s baking me, burning me from the inside out.

Fuck this.I strip down to my underwear and climb the boulder.

Letting the cool mountain breeze blow my hair off my shoulders, I stretch my arms out and close my eyes.

Will the magic of this place still work without him?

I inhale the scent of the evergreens and the dry pine needles. I smell the water that starts to take on an earthier quality in the warm months. I breathe out the bad feelings. I breathe out the self-doubt and the jealousy. And then all I’m left with is…acceptance. I’m left withthismoment. One I’ll never get back again. I would hate to waste it being angry.

I raise my hands up, bringing the tips of my fingers together, and I dive.

The crystalline water is frigid, shocking my system, but instead of fighting against it, I push deeper into the water. I kick and strain till I can almost reach the sandy bottom. I reach out a hand to grab a fistful of it when I’m pulled back.

I panic, fighting against the intrusion. I thrash. I push. I kick.

When my head finally crests the water, I have to gasp for air after expending the energy to fight.

“What the hell?” I shout at Caleb, who looks like he’s seen a ghost.

“I thought you were…”

“I was what??? Going for a fucking swim?” I shout.

He shakes his head. He actually looks scared.

“Oh god,” I sigh and swim closer to him. “No, it’s not like that at all. I was just hot, and I was trying to touch the bottom.”

He nods like he’s trying to calm down.

“I didn’t mean to scare you.” With both of us still treading, I lift a hand to wipe a bead of water away before it hits his eyes. Before I can pull away, though, he grabs my hand, surprising me. He holds it underwater, then threads our fingers together.

“Caleb?” My voice is slight.

“I’ve been waiting so long now, Em.” My throat burns. Confusion lines my features. There’s that feeling…

“I don’t know what you mean?” His fingers tighten against mine.

“Try.”

“Try what?” I ask back.