Page 33 of Alexander: Alexander's Story

At first, I try to fight it, swallowing past the tightness in my throat and forcing the food down. But eventually, I just stop and let the tears fall freely.

There probably hasn’t been a single year I haven’t cried on Christmas. It’s always been the most disappointing day of the year. There’s always some letdown. My parents. Work. The fact that I’m alone. It’s rarely about getting what I want because simply put, I’ve never gotten much.

A pack of underwear. Something picked up haphazardly from a convenience store. Something I buy myself, then eventually return when the guilt of spending the money weighs too heavily on me. I’ve gotten used to not getting gifts, at least not anything I want.

But no matter what, or where, or who I’m with, I’ve never gotten over the disappointment of this day. A day for family andwarm houses and happy faces. This is a day I spend alone, tired, and longing for all the things this day has never been for me.

Sure, I could have stayed at Alex’s with them, but the idea of being therewith them, yet still being completely alone, has me crying just a little bit harder.

I knew Blanks would be going to Alex’s sister’s again. I knew I wouldn’t get invited to go. And I have no doubt Alexander plans to spend the majority of his day regretting his life choices. Maybe he’ll stay in bed all day, or maybe he’ll chop wood till his body gives out, but I can’t be there for him today. Not on Christmas when I feel like I’m dying inside.

As the sun peeks over the eastern ridge of the mountains, I sigh, and the tears begin to slow. It’s hard to stay feeling shitty in the most tranquil environment I’ve ever been in. This place is otherworldly, like a fantasy land brought to life.

The pine trees are crowding me in with haphazard boulders sprinkled throughout. Squirrels are skittering around, flying in and out of burrows whenever I shuffle my feet. The birds start singing as the sun starts hitting the tops of the trees. The sound is shortly followed by the dripping and pattering of former frost falling from the heavy branches above.

It all works together to form a symphony. Water falling, birds singing, creatures scurrying.

I can finally swallow without the pain making itself known, so I pick up my cinnamon roll and eat while the sun warms the world for a beautiful Christmas Day.

NINE

Alex

Waking up to a still, brightly lit room, I know she’s gone. I can feel it. And my stomach turns with disappointment. I don’t know what I hoped would happen, but her absence is like breaking a seal. Or maybe it’s the sunlight that broke the spell.

Don’t love it, though.

I wasn’t supposed to come back in here; I told myself I wouldn’t. But I couldn’t sleep.

I was bone tired, but my body just wouldn’t let go.

And I felt bad. I’d been avoiding her for two days, so maybe she’s the real reason I couldn’t sleep because as soon as I lay down next to her, the eyes that wouldn’t budge fell. Deep.

I can just barely hear them chatting, forcing me fully awake and out into the great room.

But it’s not her.

Some woman sits in Blanks’ lap while he feeds her.Where’s Emma?Blanks and the woman look up at me, and the lighthearted look flies off his face when he sees I’ve come from her room.

He stands, moving the woman’s legs off his own, extricating himself out of their embrace.

“She’s not here,” he tells me even though I don’t ask.

“Where is she then?” I move closer into the eat-in, where he’s now standing.

“There’s a note.” Blanks points to the counter, taking a long sip of coffee.

Merry Christmas. Breakfast’s on me today. Going for a hike, be back before nighttime.

I turn to stare at him.

“You knew she was doing this today?”

He shrugs.

“You fucking let her go by herself? Are you fucking insane?” I yell. Don’t mean to just the anxiety is instant, directly followed by rage.What if something happens to her?

“She’s fine,” he says calmly.