Page 74 of Alexander: Alexander's Story

I remember it. I don’t regret it. But that was a long time ago. It isn’t even true anymore. I feel like I can barely recognize the man who wrote that. He’s almost nothing like the man standing here today. With a dog, and a wedding ring, and a wife that I respect and care for. Deeply. A wife I love.

And yet, none of that seems to matter right now. My instincts are still as fucked as ever because the second I’m around Jess, I revert. I want the hurt. I want the pain. I want my heart racing and us fighting. I want to feel the burn.But at what cost?

“I’m glad you got the note. I meant it.” I try to temper my tone; I try to bring the new Alex forward and push the old one back.

“Meantit?” she asks. I nod.

“I’m guessing if my wife had been with me today, this would have gone a lot differently, right?” I try to gently remind her that I am married. I am committed to Emma and not just in name.

“Yeah, it would have.” She straightens her spine, trying to regain some pride. “Do you love her, though?” Her strength is back in her tone. She asks the hard question without a single quiver in her voice.

“Yes.” I love Emma. Every part of her.

“Does she know that?”

“She does.” I don’t say it to harm Jess. I say it because it’s the truth. It doesn’t hurt to tell Em I love her. We don’t have a history plagued with mistakes and betrayals that would makeloving her hard work. We have trust and commonalities that Jess and I never did. We could have, but we could never move forward.

I look at Jess, and my soul wants to wither under the crushing pain of wanting but never having her. But I look at Emma, and I just feel free. To say what I need and what I want and have it reciprocated. I would give anything in the world to have that foundation with Jess.

Fucking everything.

She swallows, then says, “Okay, good. I hope both of you will come then. To the wedding.”

I don’t answer, unsure that we’ll make it. “Is Damian back at Brit’s?” I could give him a call. Maybe. Just courtesy. I’m not even sure we’re friends anymore.

“Oh, no. He, uh, is in crisis. At work. The PE firm that bought the company a little while ago is pushing him out...so, you know, the sky is falling. But, it’s probably for the best.” She shrugs.

I’m glad to hear Blanks hasn’t gone rogue. This is better than the alternative. I want to assure her of that, but that would be too revealing.

“Hopefully, it works out for him.” I try to be polite even though every cell in my body is thrashing against one another, revolting like I’m making a mistake. The neurons are firing, slinging hot electrical bolts that all sing,don’t fucking let her go.This is your chance. Fucking take it!

“Well, I should let you go. Get back to everyone at Brit’s.” I tighten my hold on Delta’s lead so he won’t pull after her when she leaves.

“Okay. Yeah. I will then.” She starts to turn, like she’s going to leave out the opposing path, but turns back. “I guess this is goodbye?”

She opens her arms, in question. I could say no, that it’s not a good idea. In fact, that’s what I should do. But instead, I move in,holding Delta firmly while lacing a hand around her back.She fits to me, molding her body against mine, and everywhere that she touches feelsablaze. We were a goddamn wildfire that, left to its own devices, would destroy everything in its path. She tightens her grip, and I tighten mine. Pulling her harder against me.

I love you, Jess.

Don’t say it out loud, though.

“Last chance,” she whispers, with a hand around my neck and her forehead resting on my chest. Why is she doing this? Why thefuck? Why now? It sows a seed of hate for her. The way she’s tempting me, does she even know she’s doing it? Is she desperate, too?

“Jess, you’ll regret this,” I whisper the words once whispered to me. And I get it, at this exact moment, exactly what Emma had meant. That Emma had been thinking about me back then. That she sawme. She still sees me. I couldn’t do this to her.

“I don’t regret loving you, Alex. But this is really it. I can’t carry the torch forever.” I understand. Deeply. However, I likelywouldcarry the torch, for her and me, forever. But I won’t be doing it at the expense of ruined lives. Not Jess’s, not Damian’s, and certainly not Emma’s.

I can’t do it.

I pull away just a little. “I want you to know I’m sorry. For hurting you. You didn’t deserve it. And I hope that you’re happy. With him.”

“Okay,” is all she says back. That one-word answer is bullshit.

I try my best to let it go, though. Because this is it, the last time it will ever be just her and me. Fucking hate it, though. I should have been used to the idea. If you had asked me before if I would ever be alone with Jess again, the answer would have been no. But here we are, and I know next time I see her, she’ll likely be Jessica Scott.

I watch her swallow, her hazel eyes looking up at me, and I know she loves me, too. I can feel it. This thing between us reignites. Not that it ever really went out. It was a pilot light flaring.

Our paths had forked, veering away from each other, yet here we were. Together, again. Was it the last time? Would we ever meet likethisagain?