Page 76 of Alexander: Alexander's Story

Open your fucking eyes, Jess.

Her mouth grasps for mine, and I kiss her with open eyes, waiting. My heart pounds as she races towards her finish line. My dick moves in and out of her, my body is on fire, but if she doesn’t open her fucking eyes…

“Oh god, Alex!” Jess exclaims, arching her back into the tree as her cunt convulses around me. I don’t stop, letting her strangle me for every last bit of pleasure.

When she finally opens her eyes…I hate what I see.

“Alex?” she asks. I swallow against the strain in my throat. The burn in the back of my legs. Instinct is telling me to redouble my efforts. To fuck her ruthlessly, to take without care.It wasn’tthat I would always bethisAlex with her. It was that she could only ever see me a certain way, so that’s what I would be.

When I look down, watching her take me, it doesn’t make me feel the way it should. It’s not the way I fantasized it would be. There would be no rejoining of our lives. There isn’t a future for us where I get down on one knee again. Because Jess and I only exist in the terrible. In the fraught. In the pain. I revert when I’m with her. I become someone I hate. I hate myself now. And I hate her, too, though a little of that hate is misplaced.

No, the glorious euphoria doesn’t find me. Instead, I’m met with monumental regret.

I slide out of her, refusing to finish. Refusing to make eye contact as I set her feet on the ground.

While she puts her clothes back on, I zip up my pants with disgust. I just did that. I can hardly believe it. Like it was an out-of-body experience, and now that I was on the other side of it…I don’t even know who the fuck that other person was. It couldn’t have been me.

But it was. It is.

I’m a fucking monster.Jekyll and Hyde.

“We can do this, Alex. If you want to,” she says as she pulls the sweatshirt over her head. Then, walking to me, she grabs a hold of my arm. “I know this isn’t normal, whatever we have. I know you know it, too.” Yeah, I know. I nod, acknowledging what she’s saying but not agreeing that we should blow up our lives.It’s too late. You already have.

“I love you,” she says, but somehow I don’t believe her. I can’t. “It’ll be hard, yes, but…if you just let Damian stay on…it’ll be okay.” The gut feeling roars within me. It screams at me as cold fear slides through my veins, and I freeze.

“Excuse me?” My tone doesn’t broker even an ounce of warmth.

“I know it’s you, Alex.” She looks at me with strength and poise.

“And? What are you implying?” My heartbeat thrums, the cold turning to heat. It’s in my back, in my gut, in my head, and it says something —everything— is wrong.

“Let Damian keep his company, and I’ll break the engagement.” The words are blunt, but her delivery is subtle. And I know she really believes this is a win-win situation for all involved.

Which would mean she hadn’t come here for me. She came here for him. A sacrificial lamb for her chosen one. I hate her, more than I ever thought possible.

“I have to talk to Emma.” I see her struggle to understand what I’m saying.

Love no longer matters in this scenario. Sure, she loves me. And sure, I love her, too. But there are too many games. Too many secrets. Too many lies. I can feel the love I have for her slip. It bleeds into the past, wiping away our future.

“You’re going to tell her?” she asks.

“I’m going to tell her what happened,” I say blandly, zoning out, looking at what was our place.

“So, what does that mean?”

“It means I have to talk to my wife.” Then, more so to the universe, I let slip, “She didn’t deserve this.” The tears that are being held back slip free.

Jess pulls away from me, realizing the tears aren’t for her. They’re for Em.

“Oh god, you really love her,” she says again, her realization sounding fucking aghast.

“Yeah, Jess. We’ve talked about starting a family together. She’s important to me…in a way you could never understand.” I can’t look her in the eyes as I speak, but it doesn’t matter. She takes a step back, and then she takes another.

“I didn’t know.”I only told you ten minutes ago!I close my eyes, the self-loathing coming to a boil.

The anger and the hurt lashes out. “Damnit, Jess! When you’re around, I can’t fucking think straight. I see you and-and it’s all I can think about. Is you.You. But it’s not just me anymore. And this —thisis going to kill her!” My stomach rolls. Jess winces, either from the words or my raised voice.

“Okay.” Her stupid one-word answers were the bane of my existence. I want to shake her. I want to shake myself.