Page 56 of Alexander: Alexander's Story

“As soon as a penny comes in, it’s back out the door. Or up her nose or in her stomach in the form of pills and hard liquor. But…what’s really fun,” her voice catches, “is when there isn’t any money, and you still have to get to the next high…” I hate knowing where this will lead.

“When I was little, there was a revolving door of men in the house even when my stepdad was still around. My sister, Carrie, tried to shelter me, but by the time I was eight or so, I figured it out.”

“And then, when I was a little bit older…and so was Darla, they weren’t as interested in her, and she–” she pauses, and I give her a supportive squeeze. “She started offering up my sister… It wasn’t…optional. So the second Carrie turned 18, she bolted. She tried to get me to go with her, but I was too scared. She left anyway, as she should, and my mom…turned to me to fill the gap.”

“The first time was just hands. I hated it, but I didn’t have an option to say no. I want you to know that, Alex. It was do it, or have it done. I didn’t want it.” She sniffles, and I hug her from behind, wishing someone, anyone, had actually looked out for her. I’m also fucking pissed, but for now, I just focus on her.

“And then after a couple of times, they wanted me to use my mouth, and I wouldn’t do it… So they held me down.” Bile rises in my throat. “She let them do that to me. Even when I vomited,they held me down. And she let them. The only reason they didn’t rape me was because she was planning to sell that to the highest bidder.” An actual fucking monster.

“I guess I never really thought sex was all that special until someone was taking it from me without permission. And if that was my only power,” she shrugs, “I didn’t want to give it away…I left the next day. With no money, no home, and no real friends.” She laughs bitterly, “I was 16.”

“I’m so sorry, Em.” I kiss the top of her head and hold on tight. I think of all the times we sat in the mornings, and she just listened to me tell her about all the awful things that have happened to me, and she had this. Festering.

I hold her tight like I’ll never let go.

“This is why you needed me to ask permission…the first time.” She nods. It wasn’t because she’s a domme, it’s because she’s a fucking sexual assault survivor.

The tears run down my cheeks, thinking about her on her knees for me. Giving me something sacred to her.

“I want you to know, Em, what you’ve done for me…” my voice cracks.

“There were a dozen times I wanted to tell you…”

“And I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t.” I’ll do better. I have to. “You’re safe with me; you know that, right?” I feel her tense for a fraction of a second.

Then she says, “You make me feel safe. I know.”

“Did you ever go to counseling?” She shakes her head.

“You mean how did I go fromthat, to giving a killer BJ?” She teases me, and I pinch her leg under the water. “No, I didn’t go to counseling. I was homeless at times. I barely had money for gas. When you found me, that was the absolute best I had done for myself. I honestly thought I peaked, and it was all gonna be downhill from there. I didn’t have dreams or aspirations. It was just, keep myself alive. I might not have been…” She doesn’twant to say the ‘s’ word, “But I know what it’s like to have nothing to live for.”

Sheisjust like me. She’s said it before in different ways, but it sinks in for the first time that she’s truly just like me. A blow job isn’t just a blow job, and a kiss isn’t just a kiss. Even from the first time, we’d given each other something. It hits hard, the feeling of inevitability that’s Emma and me. Like no matter what, our paths were bound to cross.

“I’ve never told anyone this actually…but I was pretty determined to not let it ruin me. So, I started readingspicybooks that reaffirmed loving relationships existed. That someone could give oral sex and have it be a safe experience.” She lets out a soft chuckle before saying, “Libraries are fucking amazing.”

“And then…I started watching porn…” she laughs again, nervously, “this is like so fucking embarrassing, Alex.” She puts her hands over her face, even though I can’t see her as it is.

“Stop,” I pull her hands away, sliding my fingers in hers. “I want to hear this.”

“Ugh, fine. So, I watched a lot of…porn. I found what I liked and kept reading, and it stopped being such an aversion…And I’ve had a boyfriend before…” I want his name and to kill him. “But it wasn’t like this. There wasn’t a future for us. It was just…” I don’t want to hear about how she practiced her way to the queen of head.

“You’re amazing,” I tell her. Because she is. “And I hope you feel like you have so much ahead of you. No matter what happens, you should be so fucking proud of how smart, and kind, and empathetic you’ve turned out.”

“I could say the same thing about you,” she answers back.

After that, we just sit in the tub, holding on to one another until the water turns cold.

“I have to go pick up Delta. Do you want to come?”

“Yeah.” I help her out of the tub, watching her walk to the empty sink, then dry off. All of Jess’ things went to the dump after Emma moved out. It didn’t seem fair that Jess got to stay, but Emma was gone.

I still get a weird twinge in my chest, picturing Jess in this space, but Emma… Every time I think of Emma, I’m happy. I’m happy she’s here. Iloveher being here. And I don’t foresee that changing anytime soon.

“What are you looking at?” She asks in the mirror’s reflection, where she sees me watching her from the tub.

“My wife’s ass.” Her cheeks turn pink as I smirk. “And how fucking beautiful she is.” She laughs, ducking her face.

Emma