Page 124 of Alexander: Alexander's Story

“Yes. Sort of.”

“Did you break up with her, or tell her you want a divorce?”

“Sort of. I…I told her I didn’t love her anymore…” Maureen makes a note. “And then I kissed Jess at her wedding…in front of Emma.”

Now, Jess, Maureen knew. She knew everything. The good, the bad, the ugly. She knew about Damian and about Jess and mine’s demise. She knew why I loved her, and hated her both. But Emma, no, I’d kept her close.

“May I ask why you kissed Jess at her wedding?”

“I needed to do something unforgivable.” Maureen stares at me, waiting, unsatisfied with my answer. “I wanted to make sure she wouldn’t come back. Because Emma would have kept coming back to me. No matter how shitty I was, no matter how much I fucked up her life. She would have kept coming back, and I couldn’t let her do that. Couldn’t let her throw her life away.”

“The last time you were intimate with Jess, you were married then, right?” I look up to the ceiling before replying, the shame reaching unbearable levels.

“Yeah.”

“And did Emma know?”

“Sort of.”

“Explain?”

“I told her, and then we were in a car accident, and she was in the hospital for six weeks...” I bring my head down to finally look at Maureen.

“I think you should start at the beginning. It’s time to tell me about her.”

“Do I have to?”

“Yeah.”

THIRTY-ONE

Alex

“Baby, you’re bleeding…”

And then I wake up. My room is still dark, but morning feels close.

I flip over the phone that I’ve started keeping on again, and check the time.5:17. Delta readjusts in the bed at the disturbance.

I’m up and thinking about her, half wishing I could go back to the dream just to see her again.

I open the messages app and reread some of the last text messages she sent me.

Em

Have I told you you’re the best husband lately? Because you are.

My stomach rolls, but I can’t stop myself from going to the photos app because, apparently, I’m choosing to hurt myself this morning. There aren’t many of her, but I have a few. The firstone is her standing at our cove. It’s just the view of her from behind, with her arms spread out as the sun rises.

The second is her lying on the couch with Delta. There’s one of us at the football game. And then the only other photo is from our wedding day.

I forgot how fucking gorgeous she is. That’s not true, I didn’t forget, I just try hard as fuck not to remember. I try not to think about her long legs. I try not to remember her first time. I try not to fantasize about her tight cunt that had only ever been mine. Try not to fantasize about that fucking mouth.

No.

I try to push it all away because letting her go was the right thing. I still think that even as my whole body yearns for her.

Still holding my phone, I hover over her contact for a long time. Wondering what would happen if I just…call. Would she send me to voicemail? Decline?