Page 18 of Alexander: Alexander's Story

But she didn’t.Don’t forget that, Alex, she didn’t want this. Didn’t want you.

She doesn’t want to deal with my incapabilities, and I can’t blame her, though I try.

This is all Jess’s fault. Everything can be blamed on her.

But I’m the one who made her feel stupid.

But then she fucked him.

And I’m the one who blew up her life, outing her to her best friend.

Because she was leaving you.

But I’m also the one who can’t forgive and forget.

Because she betrayed you!

I grab the first thing in sight, a ceramic bowl filled with oranges, and fling it across the kitchen, the bowl shattering as it hits the French door frame.

With both palms to my eye sockets, I slide down to the floor, my back to the kitchen cabinets. And I heave, fighting for breath that, no matter how hard I try, never seems to fill my lungs.

Why can’t I get oxygen? Why do I just want to disappear so badly? Why???

“Shhh, you’re okay.” The voice she only uses for me is here. “Just try to breathe, okay?” She places a hand on my chest, but it doesn’t help.

“I’m here, Alex. I’m with you.” I drop the palms from my face to look at her. I have to fight to hold my hands down, to not curl in on myself and away from her.

Her big eyes seem to look straight through my soul.

“Keep…” I heave, gasping for a large inhale that feels anything but, “talking,” I eventually get out on the exhale. She nods. And I focus on her voice.

“I’m not going anywhere, Alex. You’re going to be okay really soon. I know it. I promise. Just keep breathing, and I’ll keep being here. Blanks will be here. And…” I focus on her face. On her blue eyes.

“We’re gonna get better together, okay?” She keeps talking as she rubs both hands on either side of my arms, applying pressure that feels good against my still-burning muscles. I hear her talking, but I only retain half of what she’s saying. But even still, I focus on her lips. Pink.Soft.

“We’re going to be okay. I promise. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life.” I want so badly to believe her. If I could just will myself into believing her, I think she’d be right. Everything would turn out okay. I focus on the faint freckles and how her cheeks are hardly pink at all right now.

“That’s better. So much better, Alex. You’re doing so great.” Same soft voice. I inhale and exhale. “Do you want to count your breaths?” I shake my head no.

“Keep…talking…about…anything.”

She nods, taking a second to think. “I’ve never been in a forest before today…It’s so beautiful here, Alex. It makes me never want to be indoors.” She hesitates.

“I used to have these dreams as a kid that I would wander into a forest, and then…I’d just keep wandering. I would just stay in the forest forever. And eventually, I would build a small cabin or house, and I’d have a warm fire every night, and it would be small and cozy, and with no one around, I’d be safe.”

“This place reminds me of that. And I feel safe. Here. With you. That says something. About you, Alex.” She nods her head at me.

“I’m…so tired, Emma,” I get out in almost one whole breath. And then I cry.

I sob with my head hanging low. On the floor of my kitchen.

Climbing onto my lap, Emma cradles my face in her hands, trying to wipe the tears away, but they come too fast and heavy.

Eventually, going to her knees, she straddles my legs and rests my head on her shoulder. As I sob, she holds me, stroking the back of my head.

“You can be tired,” she whispers, “because you’re not alone. So rest. Just rest.”

The bare skin of her shoulder is warm and soft, so I lay my head there, letting all her warmth and comfort bleed into me. Wishing this was enough. Wishing this was Jess. Hating myself for wishing it washer.