Page 135 of Alexander: Alexander's Story

“Water is great,” I say. They hand us menus, set down a basket of bread with a dish of olive oil beside it, and walk away.

I pick the first thing I see on the menu so I don’t waste time figuring it out when I could be spending that time focusing on her.

The candlelight from the votive makes her literally glow, and I can’t help but notice how healthy she looks. She’s more beautiful than ever. Looking full of life, she looks…free.

She takes a little longer than me, but when she sets the menu aside, I give her a smile.

“NYU, huh?” She glances down at the sweatshirt.

“Yeah,” she says, almost bashful about it.

“Why there?” As soon as it’s out of my mouth, I wish I could retract it. I want to avoid her talking about him at all.

“It seemed like a once-in-a-lifetime thing to do. To live in New York and go to school, so I took the jump.” Dodged that fucking bullet. Or she evaded nicely. Either way, we aren’t talking about him.

“Still anthropology?” She nods.

“Still love it. Umm, actually, Jess’ mom, May, is one of my professors.” She laughs gently. “Small world.”

“Huh, yeah. Small world.” I most certainly didn’t want to waste any time talking about Jess.

“What else have you been doing? Or what’d you do this summer?”

“I’ve been busy, Alex.” She tears apart a piece of bread, dipping it into the oil. I could feel her holding back, trying to spare me.

“Yeah, same.” I can’t help the laugh that breaks free because, no, I hadn’t been busy.

She laughs, too. “Oh really? Please indulge me.”

“Okay, I will. Let’s see…we’ve got a packed schedule Monday through Friday. I’ve got yoga with Linda three times a week. I’ve got therapy with Maureen twice a week. On days I don’t have therapy, there’s either meditation or tai chi. Both of those are with Sammy. And then, I have lunch with my family every day, and I cook dinner for whoever’s around every night.”

“Connie and I walk the dogs in the evenings, and sometimes I work out or run afterward, and you know…Life isprettyfull.”Lie, it’s empty without her, but the routine has helped. It isn’t anywhere near as awful as I make it sound.

“Wow, you were not lying. That is afullschedule, and it sounds amazing,” she says genuinely. “And you live with Connie? And Matt?” I nod.

“Yeah,” I do, and oddly, it works.

“You seem happy,” she says.Fuck, no. I don’t want her to think I’m happy. I’m not happy. I’m surviving.

“Areyouhappy?” I ask. It’s something I’d asked once before, long ago, when we sat across from each other at her condo.

“Well, we’re basically the same person, Alex…” She lowers her voice, “So tell me, are we happy?” My smile falls. I shake my head.

“Not without you.” I watch as her chest rises and falls in response.

“Did you know what you’d like to order?” our server asks, setting down our drinks. I motion for her to go first.

“Chicken piccata, please.”

I take her menu from her, then order, “The exact same.” Just desperate to get back to what we were saying, but once our server is gone, the air is cleared.

“So, how long have you been at Connie’s?” She buries the former topic of conversation easily.

“Since August.”

“And before that? You were?” She asks.

“Busy, Emma. I was busy.” I could play games too. She swallows.