Page 129 of Alexander: Alexander's Story

“Why now?” Why the fuck is she saying this now? Of all the fucking days. If ever there was a time in my life when I didn’t need this, it’s now.

And yet, here she is.

“Because I don’t know if I’ll get another chance, so it has to be now. Just know that Iamsorry, and you deserved to hear that from me a long, long time ago.” She just had this revelation on her own?

It’s the apology I’ve been dying for. She delivered it to me genuinely. At least, I think she did; I could be wrong. But here it is, this mythical day finally arriving, and now that it has, it…it doesn’t live up to the fantasy. Theideaof Jess somehow always better than the reality.

It doesn’t feel good or blissful. I don’t have any desire to whisk her around in my arms or embrace her. I hardly feel anything for her at all. I don’t hate her,andI don’t love her. It’s a relief to feel free of it. Free from her.

“Okay, well…I forgive you.” I try to retract some of the harshness from my tone. Softening my delivery. I don’t know if she wants more than that, but it no longer matters to me. Igave her the truth, and she set me free. As far as I’m concerned, though, we were done.

“I need to take Milton out…” I stand beside the door and motion for her to exit.

She nods, walking slowly towards the open door.

“I guess in another time, we might have been perfect for each other, huh?”

I shake my head.Perfectdoesn’t exist. Not for her and me, not for anyone. It’s just a commitment you make and see it through. You commit the time and the energy, and you ride the highs and dig out of the lows. Jess and I couldn’t do that. So no, we wouldn’t have been.

“There’s nothing perfect about us, Jess. But I want you to know, I’m sorry about the wedding. I shouldn’t have used you like that.”

“Used me?” Her brows come together.

“It was just a means to an end, and you were the right person in the wrong place. I apologize.” I say it sincerely, hopefully giving her the closure she needs, too.

“Oh,” she hesitates halfway through the door.

“Listen, I do need to go, though.” Milton runs into my room, his internal clock blaring that I’m running late.

“Right,” I can see the confusion written on her face, but I let her walk away. And I go right back to ignoring her existence. This time, for good.

THIRTY-TWO

Alex

The seconds creep by, merging slowly into minutes, eventually bleeding into hours. The anticipated 90 minutes comes and goes until the duration has lapped itself.

Silas eventually comes out, bearing a grim look. He’s not working today, but he’s been back, waiting for word.

Matt stands up before the rest of us, so we let the two of them talk privately first. Brit worries her lip, trying to figure out the right time to ask what’s happening.

“It’sa lot morethan they anticipated,” Silas says softly, not sparing our feelings.

I didn’t have high expectations after feeling like shit all morning, but I had hoped for better than this. I had hoped they just needed to remove a slightly larger section. Instead of a laparoscopy, they would have to open him up. I thought the level of “worse” would be marginal, not devistational.

“He’s still in there, so let’s just wait, okay?” Silas says when nobody has anything else to add or ask.

Niko is the first to walk out of the waiting room. Probably for a smoke, but Max follows shortly after to make a phone call.

“Do you guys want me to go get lunch?” Jess checks the time. Everyone thought he’d be out by now.

“No one’s hungry, but thanks,” Matt says, taking a seat again. I sit beside him this time, and Brit does the same, taking the chair on his left.

“I’ll be back as soon as I know more,” Silas pats Matt on the shoulder and leaves.

Jess is still standing, looking anxious, when an unexpected guest waltzes into the waiting room.

“Mom?” Matt asks, surprised. Julie looks like she’s dressed for an occasion — tall, high-heeled boots, tight black top, her hair and makeup done — but not this occasion.