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YOU’LL NEVER FORGET ME, MUNCHKIN

Lizzie

APRIL 30, 2000

“W HY DIDN’T YOU DO SOMETHING …”

“Michael, she’s only a child…”

“Why didn’t you help her? She was your family! You should have done something…”

Numb, I clutched the ropes of the swing on either side of my body and kicked at the dirt every time I swung low enough to reach the ground.

Even from here, I could still hear them back at the house.

Pouring tea.

Eating sandwiches.

Making conversation.

Acting like the world was still spinning.

Shut up .

Shut up .

Shut the fuck up!

Betrayal filled the empty shell in my chest, fueled with a level of hatred that made me want to scream.

Tears burned at my eyes.

Coldness spread throughout my body, turning my heart to ice.

Anger settled deep inside of my bones.

It wasn’t fair.

“I’ve been trying to work up the courage to speak to you all day, but I don’t have the right words,” a familiar voice said, and I turned to see Gibsie sit on the swing next to mine. “So I’m just going to sit here with you, okay?”

Help me , I wanted to scream, you’re the only one who can .

My voice betrayed me like it had when I was a child.

Nothing came out.

All I could do was stare at Gibsie’s big, gray eyes and will him to hear the words I couldn’t say out loud.

“I want to leave,” I begged, feeling drowsy and disorientated, as I stumbled toward my sister. “Please, Caoimhe.” Falling on my hands and knees on her bedroom floor, I reached for her hand and squeezed. “Make him let us go…”

“It’s going to be okay.” Sniffling, she tucked me under her arm, while she continued to scribble furiously into her notebook. “We’ll get out of here, and when we do, he’ll pay for everything, Liz. I promise.”

“I don’t care if he pays,” I sobbed, clinging to her body. “I just want to leave.”

Tearing out a page from her journal, my sister folded the page in half and then folded it again and again until it was the size of a matchbox. “Here.” She shoved the note into my sock and grabbed my hands. “You’re going to be okay, I promise.” Her blue eyes watered as she spoke. “But if anything happens to me, and he doesn’t let me out of this room—”

“Caoimhe, no!” I cried, throwing my arms around her neck. “Don’t say that.”

“I have to,” she choked out, holding me tightly. “If anything happens to me, Liz, and I don’t get out, I want you to get this note to Gibsie. Can you do that for me?” Sniffling, she pulled back to look in my eyes. “I want you to tell him everything you told me tonight, and then I want you both to go to the police…”

I couldn’t be sure if these recurring hallucinations were memories or delusions.

I had many of them, but I couldn’t be sure, and I couldn’t speak.

I couldn’t breathe .

Fear gripped me to the point where I prayed for my mind to break apart and let me drift away.

Like it had drifted away that night.

I floated out of my body, up, up, and away from the pain.

Away from the image of her lifeless body.

From her dead-eyed stare as she looked straight through me.

I still had it, though.

The folded-up note.

It was in my pocket right now.

It teleported from my mind to my pocket.

I knew what I was supposed to do.

What she told me to do.

But I was afraid of what would happen.

I was afraid that I was in the throes of a delusion and speaking out would only cause more heartbreak for my mother.

I didn’t want her to suffer any more than she already was.

The sound of her constant wailing haunted me.

But I was even more afraid that I wasn’t hallucinating, because if I wasn’t and this was real, then it was even more important that I made myself forget.

Because if I had to remember, then I had to acknowledge, and if I did that, if I told someone, like he did, then I would lose the person I loved most.

I would lose Hugh .

He promised he would do it.

But Caoimhe promised the opposite.

She promised if I told Gibsie, if I just gave him the note, we would be safe.

He wouldn’t be able to get me again.

But she wasn’t here anymore.

She couldn’t help me.

What if Gibsie told him?

What would happen to Hugh?

But what if none of this was real?

What if my mind was playing tricks on me again and I was going to wake up and find Caoimhe eating cereal in the kitchen?

What if I was the one who died that night?

What if I killed her?

Maybe she didn’t jump?

Maybe I pushed her?

Or maybe I pushed myself?

What if the scary lady was putting bad thoughts in my head?

“Can I give you a hug?” I heard Gibsie ask, distracting me from my frazzled thoughts. “Would that be okay?”

Sniffling, I nodded and watched him climb off his swing and walk over to me.

“I’m so sorry, Liz,” he croaked out, wrapping his arms around me. Numb, I rested my cheek on Gibsie’s shoulder. “I’m so, so fucking sorry.”

As I listened to him whisper the word sorry over and over, I reached into my pocket and fisted the note.

Please help , I mentally begged, and then, whether it was real or not, I placed my last shred of hope in my friend’s coat pocket. Please save me .

“What are you two doing out here on your own?” a familiar voice said, causing every muscle in my body to lock tight.

The monster .

Clenching my eyes shut, I clung to the boy hugging me and prayed he wouldn’t let go.

Don’t let go, Gibs .

Please don’t let go .

Don’t leave me on my own with him .

“I’m hugging my friend,” Gibsie replied, tightening his arms around me. “Her sister just died. I know what that feels like.”

He was close.

I could smell his cologne.

I could feel words crawling out of my mind and onto my skin.

“Go back to the house, Gibson,” he instructed. “I need to talk to my girlfriend’s sister.”

No, Gibs!

Don’t go .

Please don’t leave me .

“I, ah, I want to stay with her,” I heard my friend protest, but his voice shook almost as much as his body when he spoke. “Hugh had to go home for an hour, and he told me to stay with Liz. He told me not to leave her.”

“Go inside. I’ll stay with her.”

No, no, no, no, no!

“But Hugh said—”

“Get your fucking hole back in the house or I’ll kick you in there.”

For a brief moment, when Gibsie squeezed me tighter, I felt a flicker of hope inside my chest, but then he released me and stepped back, causing that hope to snuff out.

He let go .

Fresh tears streamed down my cheeks as I watched him leave.

“You know you were holding your sister’s killer, don’t ya?” he mused, taking the seat on the swing next to mine. “It’s his fault this happened.”

I didn’t dare look at him, keeping my attention trained on Gibsie’s back as he disappeared from my line of sight.

“If Caoimhe were here, she’d be so disappointed in you.” He sighed heavily. “Hugging the person responsible for her death.”

Come back , I wanted to scream, but all I could do was tighten my hold on the ropes of the swing and pray he could somehow hear me. Please come back .

“He filled your sister’s head with poison,” he continued to say, tormenting my mind with self-doubt. “It’s her birthday today and she’s not here to celebrate it because of that little prick, so don’t you ever forget who’s truly responsible for her death.”

“This is his fault!” Grabbing the back of my neck, he forced me to look. To lean over the edge and see. “She’s dead because of him. Because he got in her head. My brother’s big mouth killed your sister.”

“Help her! Please do something!”

“Say it, munchkin.” His hand tightened on the back of my neck, and he pushed me so far over the rail that I couldn’t touch the ground anymore. “Tell me you understand.”

“Please,” I wailed, shaking violently as my eyes tracked my sister being swept up in the current. “You have to help her!”

“There’s nothing I can do to help her. Gibsie saw to that when he filled her head with lies.” He set me back down only to turn me around to face him. “Say it, munchkin.” He gripped my throat and pushed me against the barrier. “Tell me you understand what happens when you lie.” He slammed me against the rail again. “Tell me who’s responsible for this? Who told lies and killed your sister?”

“I…” Tears trickled down my cheeks. “…he did.”

“And who’s he?”

Another tear rolled down my cheek. “Gibsie.”

“And what’ll happen to your little boyfriend if you even think about telling lies about me like Gibsie did?”

“No!” I clenched my eyes shut. “Please don’t hurt him.”

“Say it!” He squeezed my throat tighter. “Where will lover boy end up?”

“In there,” I strangled out, body growing limp against the railing at my back. “With her…”

Shaking my head, I clenched my eyes shut and tried to force the images from my mind.

“You know you’re unstable, don’t you?” he said then in a sad tone. “Your mother can’t escape death forever. One of these days, it’s going to catch up with her,” he told me. “And when she dies, you’ll be alone, with no sister or mother to love you.”

A pained sob escaped my lips, but he just kept talking.

“Catherine’s on borrowed time, and we both know she’s the only thing standing between you and that mental hospital Mike has planned for you.”

His words caused fear to rise up inside of me and sent my mind spiraling.

“If I were you, I would keep on not talking,” he continued in a soft, gentle voice that made my skin crawl. “Everyone already thinks you’re insane, so no need to fuel the fire with crazy ramblings— not that anyone would believe you, either way.”

I knew he was looking at me.

I could feel his eyes burning the side of my face, but I didn’t dare turn my head.

Instead, I focused on the dirt trail my shoes made in the grass under the swing.

“I’ll be leaving town soon, munchkin,” he told me. “Once I finish my leaving cert next month, I’m leaving Ireland. I’m going to do a bit of traveling before college.” Another sigh escaped him. “I’m going to miss our special visits.”

My skin crawled, while my stomach heaved and my mind screamed in protest.

No!

Don’t think about it .

“I wish we could have another night together, but I’m afraid the last one will have to do.”

Don’t let yourself remember .

“I’ll take you with me, though. Wherever I end up, I’ll always have your pictures.”

Protect yourself and don’t ever go back there .

Never again .

“And I’ll aways be with you, too. You’ll never forget me, munchkin.”

Just block it out .

“ A girl never forgets her first.”

Let yourself go .

Just drift off .

“And I’ll always be your first everything, munchkin.”

Up, up, and away .