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MAYBE WE CAN BE FRIENDS?

Hugh

DECEMBER 30, 2003

“O UT ,” I WHISPER-HISSED MIDWAY THROUGH SHOWERING, WHEN I POKED MY HEAD around the shower curtain and locked eyes on the blond leaning against the bathroom door. “ Now .”

I was in no form for her antics, not after the last storm I got caught in.

And I didn’t have the self-restraint to reject her advances, either.

Goddammit to hell.

Why did it have to be so hard?

Why did I have to fall in love with my sister’s best friend?

These sleepovers were killing me.

Knowing my ex was sleeping in the room next to mine was the reason I was showering at two o’clock in the fucking morning.

“Hi.” Reaching behind her back, Liz turned the key in the lock and released a shaky breath. “I heard you come in here.”

Of course she had.

My bedroom aligned with my sister’s room, which meant we both knew when the other was on the prowl.

Luckily, Claire was a deep sleeper.

Unluckily, Lizzie was not .

“So you thought you’d come on in and we’d shoot the breeze?” I bit back a growl of frustration. It was hard enough to handle seeing her at school every day, and my house most weekends, and my dreams at night, but now I couldn’t get myself off to the memory of Liz without real-life Liz barging in.

Jesus Christ.

I can’t catch a fucking break .

“I needed to see you,” she blurted out, hands knotted in front of her. “Really badly.”

“Oh yeah?” Huffing out a breath, I dragged the curtain across the rail, purposefully blocking her view of me. “Well, too fucking bad.”

“I’m so sorry for losing it on you at my house last week.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I deadpanned. “I’m used to it.”

“And for you having to bring me here to look after me until Mam picked me up.”

“Like I said,” I shot back gruffly. “I’m used to it.”

“Well, I’m sorry for being the kind of person you’re used to looking after.”

I flinched. “Liz.”

“Hugh.” Her voice cracked. “Oh God, I love you so much.”

I knew she did, and her feelings were entirely reciprocated on my end, but that didn’t mean what we had wasn’t toxic.

“Well then, it’s time to stop,” I strangled out, quickly bracing the tiles with both hands, while I fought down the decade long urge to go to her. “Because I’m going out with the lads tomorrow night, and I’m going to score with someone.” It was complete bullshit, but I needed to arm myself, dammit.

I heard her sudden sharp intake of breath, followed by a smothered sob, and my chest physically heaved from the violent, abhorrent pain that shot through me.

This was too much.

It hurt too hard.

I was too damn deeply in love with her.

Bowing my head, I clenched my eyes shut and willed myself to be strong, to not cave, and to have some goddamn respect for myself.

However, all notions of conjuring mental resolve flew clean out of my head when the shower curtain peeled back and Liz stepped inside.

Naked .

She didn’t speak a word when she slipped under my arm that was still bracing the wall and wrapped her arms around my waist.

I didn’t move a muscle.

I barely took a breath.

Body rigid, I stared down at her blond hair, feeling my heart shatter to pieces, while my body thrummed with delight.

She had her cheek pressed to my chest, and her arms wrapped like a vise around my waist.

We stood like that for what felt like an eternity, with the water pouring down on our joined bodies.

“I’m so sorry,” she finally broke the thick silence by saying. “I’m so, so, so fucking sorry.”

Again, my chest heaved violently as my heart gunned in my chest. “I know,” I managed to croak out, sounding more broken than her.

“I haven’t spoken to him.” Quietly crying, she continued to nuzzle my chest with her cheek. “I haven’t spoken to any boys.”

“Liz.”

“I love you so much,” she strangled out. “I feel like I can’t breathe without you.”

I know the feeling .

“Give me another chance,” she begged, welding her body to mine in desperation. “I will do anything— anything —to make it up to you, Hugh. Whatever you want, I’ll do it.” Her cries grew more frantic right along with her pleading. “I won’t go out. I won’t drink. I’ll do the counseling. I’ll take the medication. Anything . Just… please don’t leave me.”

A stronger man would have been able to hold their ground.

But I wasn’t a man yet, and I loved her too much to not comfort her when she was falling apart in my arms.

“I love you, too,” I whispered, wrapping my arms around her. “I always have, and I always will.”

“No, no, no,” she cried, clawing at my back to drag my body closer to hers. “Please don’t say it.”

“But I can’t be with you,” I strangled out, holding her up when her legs gave out. “We can’t get back together.”

“I didn’t mean it, I didn’t mean it,” she continued to sob, shaking her head. “I would never do that to you on purpose!”

That was the thing about cheating; whether it was accidental or on purpose, it hurt just the same.

“I don’t think you meant it, Liz,” I said, voice cracking as my emotions threatened to get the better of me. “But I also don’t trust you not to do it again.”

“I won’t, I won’t, I swear, Hugh,” she pleaded, reaching up to wrap her arms around my neck. “I’ll be good, I promise. A good girl. Like you deserve. I’ll be good this time.”

“It’s not about you being good, baby.”

“I’ll go back on my meds.” Hiccupping another pained sob, she peppered my chest with kisses. “I’ll be steady. You know I can do it. You’ve seen me! So I can be your Lizzie again if you just give me one last chance.”

With every ounce of my heart, I wanted to say yes. I wanted that last chance more than she would ever know. But we’d already had so many that I knew in my heart the outcome. “You say that now, but you’ll change your mind.”

“I won’t, I promise,” she vehemently protested through her tears. “I will take them every day for the rest of my life if that’s what it takes to keep you.”

“You’ll take them until you start feeling better, you mean.” I blinked back my tears. “And then you’ll decide that you’re cured, and don’t need them anymore, and you’ll be right back to the beginning. Back to the mania, back to the screaming matches, the not sleeping, and the constant seeking of sex. And then, once you’ve well and truly fucked yourself over, you’ll slip into the depression where you spend weeks at a time in bed, while I spend every waking hour of those weeks wrestling a fucking razor out of your hands.”

“ No , I won’t do that this time.”

“You do it every time, ba–” My voice cracked, and I had to suck in several heaving breaths to get a handle on myself before I went on. “I can’t keep living my life like this.” Sniffling, I cradled her head in my hand. “Not sleeping because I don’t know where you are, or who you’re with, or if you’ve come off your meds and have another asshole between your legs. Because you’re manic and want to fuck anything with a pulse.” I shook my head, feeling broken. “I wish I could find a way to make this work, but I can’t, Liz. I can’t do this with you for another decade. I can’t plan a future with you when, at any moment, you could switch up on me and fuck someone else.” Sniffling, I pressed a kiss to her head. “And it’s not fair of you to ask me to.”

“I can’t live without you,” she cried, holding on to me as tightly as I was holding her. “I don’t want to.”

“Maybe, when some time has passed, we can be friends again,” I offered, hating the words as they came out of my mouth. Because I could never be just her friend. This was the girl I wanted beside me every day for the rest of my life. “I’m always going to love you.”

“No matter what?”

“Yeah, Liz,” I whispered, dying inside. “No matter what.”