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I’VE NEVER FELT BETTER

Lizzie

SEPTEMBER 22, 2003

“H OW ARE YOU FEELING , L IZZIE? ”

Like I want to ram that pen you’re twiddling in your eye . “Fine.”

“Any recent nightmares?”

Like you give a shit . “No.”

“How are you testing at school?”

Higher than you ever did . “Straight A’s.”

“Do you have any questions?”

Yeah . “No.”

I could see the concern in the doctor’s eyes.

I could register that much, but nothing else was coming through.

The poor fool was out of his depth with me, which suited me fine because nothing made sense anymore.

Except the colors.

Holy fuck, the colors were mesmerizing.

My senses had heightened to the point where I felt I had spiritually leveled up.

I could feel the air touching my skin.

I thought I might be the first person to see oxygen.

It was blanketing my skin like ecstasy.

Breathing made me ache for Hugh, and I couldn’t stay still.

I was restless and full of unbearable urges and desires.

Fuck, I loved this life.

I wanted to climb onto a cloud with Hugh Biggs and take him away from all our so-called friends.

Keep him forever and never give him back.

Perhaps this was what it felt like to spiral.

I had no clue and I cared even less.

Everything was a trigger, spurring me into an agitated state of needing to move. Unease thrummed inside of my veins like a drum, pushing me to move and laugh and run and do anything I could to get the feeling out of me.

To push him out.

Push him away .

Far, far away .

Think of Hugh .

Think of how good his fingers make you feel .

Stifling a groan, I clenched my thighs shut and resisted the urge to rock on the hard seat beneath me and pretend it was his face.

My body was burning.

Flames igniting from my fingertips.

I’m hungry .

I’m so fucking hungry .

I needed the physical.

I needed it like I needed to breathe.

Like I needed my veins to keep distributing blood to my black heart.

All I wanted was Hugh.

“Okay, Lizzie,” the doctor said, clearing his throat. “Why don’t you take a seat in the waiting room while I speak to your mother.”

I didn’t want to take a seat in the waiting room.

I wanted to touch .

“How long have you been experiencing these symptoms?” Mam asked on the car ride home.

“Hmm?” I mused, captivated by how the houses looked so blurry as we whizzed past. “Faster, Mam.”

“I’m going the speed limit, Lizzie.”

Pressing the button on my door, I shivered in delight when a sudden blast of air attacked my senses.

The smell.

The taste.

The sight.

Holy fuck, I’d never felt more alive.

Like I could take on the world.

Like I could take down my enemies.

“Lizzie!” Mam shouted, demanding my attention.

“What?” I snapped, suddenly furious. “I was doing something!”

Mam glanced over at me, and her eyes were full of concern. “Dr. Priestly thinks you’re experiencing rapid cycling.”

“He’s talking shit,” I laughed, reaching over to pat her knee. “I’ve never felt better, Mam.”