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LIBERATED LIABILITIES

Lizzie

NOVEMBER 29, 2003

E VERYTHING SWITCHED OFF IN MY HEAD LIKE A LIKE A LIGHT SWITCH.

All the pain.

All the feelings.

All the memories.

Everything just poof!

I didn’t care anymore, and I fucking loved it.

Hyperalert, I thrived in the madness, completing weeks’ worth of schoolwork in just one night.

And my stories?

God, my stories had never been so detailed.

Creativity was pouring from my pen to the pages.

I honestly thought I might be able to do anything in this moment.

They could say what they wanted about me at school.

I didn’t care.

They couldn’t hurt me.

I was invincible, dammit.

Fuck those bitches .

I would crush them with my pen. I would wreck them with my words, and I didn’t have to worry about feeling bad about it because I didn’t feel anything.

Not a sliver of remorse.

It was the greatest relief.

It was inside of me all along—a wondrous cave to escape inside when the world got too difficult.

Sleep was for the weak, and I was strong .

I was forceful and powerful.

No more monsters under my body .

Starved for physical touch, I felt I would die without it.

I was running through a desert, frantically searching for a pool of water. I would die without it. I was so thirsty. I would have consumed contaminated slime if it quenched the thirst, the burning inside of me.

That’s how it felt when Pierce was inside me.

He was a means to an end.

I couldn’t make sense of it because how could you make sense of madness?

All logic, reason, and moral fiber had checked out.

My body ran entirely on primal instinct now.

It was as if every ounce of goodness inside of my soul had evaporated and been replaced with bad.

I was possessed by the seven deadly sins.

Pride.

Greed.

Lust.

Envy.

Gluttony.

Wrath.

Sloth.

I was consumed by each one and couldn’t get enough.

I wasn’t rocking in a corner, haunted by voices of the past and crying my life away.

No, I was productive and thriving.

I was taking care of my needs.

Excelling at school and taking what I wanted from life.

If people didn’t like that, then to hell with them.

I laughed at how scared I used to be of feeling like this.

All the dread and the worry.

All the panic and uncertainty, and for what?

Because I feared losing what I loved the most in life?

He was already long gone.

I had nothing left to lose now.

Those damn doctors with their fucking pills.

Liars, the lot of them.

When I was on the meds, I was fucking miserable.

And now?

Now, I was free .

And I felt liberated .