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DON’T BE HIS FRIEND ANYMORE

Lizzie

MAY 24, 2000

A S THE DAYS TURNED INTO WEEKS, MY SISTER’S MEMORY BEGAN TO SLOWLY DWINDLE . The steady flow of trays of baked goods and home-cooked casseroles that had been delivered daily by our neighbors had come to a stop. As had the arrival of well-wishers at the front door.

Today was her one-month anniversary and nobody had bothered to turn up to the house. In a way, I was relieved because I didn’t think I could shake another stranger’s hand without losing what was left of my sanity—and I really didn’t have much to spare at this point in time.

The only consistent figure that continued to visit was the boy whose hand was holding mine.

Hugh was the only person who kept coming, and to me, his presence meant more than the entire community of Ballylaggin. The whole town could stay away forever if it meant I got to keep him.

If it meant this boy stayed.

“Where’s your dad?” Hugh asked, distracting me from my thoughts. “I didn’t see his car outside.”

“Oh, I think he went to work,” I mumbled, tucking my hair behind my ears as I watched him move around my bedroom, folding clothes and tidying up. “Yeah, I think that’s what he told me.”

“When did he leave?”

“This morning.” I think . “Mam’s in her room.” Like he needed me to tell him that. We could both hear the crying coming from downstairs.

“Can I take you out today?”

I shook my head, recoiling against the pillows at my back at the thought. “Not today.”

He turned to look at me, brown eyes warm and full of understanding. “Don’t panic, Liz. I’m never going to force you to do anything you don’t want to do.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. “Okay.”

“But one of these days, I’m going to persuade you to come out of this room,” Hugh added in a playful tone, as he closed the space between us. “We’ll start with going downstairs.” Climbing onto my bed, he waggled his brows and reached for my hand. “And then we’ll shoot for the garden.” Pulling me onto his lap with minimal effort, he draped an arm around my back and nuzzled his cheek against mine. “Maybe then, we’ll aim for my house.”

“No.” My body turned to stone in his arms. “I can’t.”

“Don’t be so hasty,” he continued to tease, lips brushing against my bare shoulder. “This skin needs sunshine.” He pressed an affectionate kiss to the curve of my neck. “Think of the vitamin D.”

“No, I mean I can’t go there,” I squeezed out, shivering when his lips touched me. Oh yeah, I could definitely feel his lips. His kiss was innocent but it made my body respond in a not-so-innocent way.

Bad girl .

Evil girl .

Filthy whore .

“I can’t go anywhere near that street,” I blurted out, desperately trying to focus on the present and block him out. “I can’t go to your house, Hugh. Not when he’s there.” And he’s always there . “I’m sorry.”

Hugh was quiet for a long moment before releasing a heavy sigh. Instead of arguing with me, like I half expected him to, he turned me on his lap to face him. “I love you,” he said, whiskey-brown eyes searing mine. “I love you so much.” Reaching up, he cupped my face between his hands and pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Tell me you know that, Liz.”

“I know you love me, Hugh,” I whispered brokenly, as I straddled his lap. “But you love him more.”

“No. I don’t.” Looking sad, Hugh slowly shook his head. “Not even close.”

Yeah, he did.

Whether he wanted to admit it or not, Hugh loved Gerard Gibson like a brother. They had a bond that ran far deeper than friendship. Their lives were entangled in a way that was deeper than anything I’d ever known. There had been many occasions throughout the years when I had wished my own sister had loved me like Hugh loved him .

I understood why, of course. I once loved him like a brother, too.

Until he protected the monster responsible for my sister’s death.

Until he betrayed me.

Until he broke my heart.

He did this to her .

He killed your sister .

Don’t ever forget that, munchkin .

He’s responsible for all of this .

You’ll never see your sister again and it’s all his fault .

“Then don’t be his friend anymore, Hugh,” I begged, already knowing what his answer would be. No. Just like the last time I asked him and the time before that. “Please.” It hurts too much . “Just…” Just pick me .

“Liz, please.” Hugh pinched the bridge of his nose and released a pained groan. “I can’t just abandon him. He didn’t do anything wrong. Gibsie is as innocent in all of this as you are.”

I wasn’t surprised by his response.

Just deflated.

And a little more dead inside.

Because Hugh would never choose between us, which meant that he chose him . Just like Claire and Patrick had chosen him, too. I was the disposable person in our friendship group. They would never leave him behind because to the Biggs family, Gerard Gibson was indispensable. He was more their family than I ever would be, and it hurt.

“He’s his brother,” I whispered, even though I knew there was no point. I could never make my boyfriend understand something I didn’t understand myself. I couldn’t explain why I wanted to peel the skin from my bones when I heard Gibsie’s name, but it was a very real, very physical reaction for me. One my mind assured me that I was right to feel.

Because he’s bad .

Like him .

Because they hurt me .

Because they killed my sister .

“Not by choice,” Hugh stated calmly. “Gibsie’s mother married Mark’s father. That doesn’t make them biological brothers.”

A shudder of revulsion rolled through me. “They’re still family.”

“Gibs is my family, too. By choice ,” Hugh countered in a frustrated tone. “Does that mean I’m guilty by association, too?”

“Forget it,” I mumbled, blinking away my tears. “Forget I said anything.” Sniffling, I climbed off his lap and retreated to the opposite side of my bed. “He’s your family and I’m just a girl.”

“That’s not true, and you know it, Liz,” Hugh snapped, voice thick and gruff. “You have never been just a girl to me, but I can’t keep having this same fight with you.”

“Then stop coming over and you won’t need to,” I hissed, feeling defensive. “You should leave.”

“Like hell I’m leaving,” he countered, twisting around to glare at me. “Don’t you even think about pulling that stunt on me. It won’t work.”

“What stunt?”

“Pushing me away?” He shook his head. “I’m not leaving, Liz, so quit it.”

“I can’t be with you if you’re with him,” I heard myself shout, tears flowing freely down my cheeks now. “I don’t want anything to do with his family and you have everything to do with them.”

“You don’t need to have a damn thing to do with any of them in order to be with me!” Hugh shouted back, pushing a hand through his hair in obvious frustration. “So just be with me , Liz!”

“I don’t want to be anywhere, Hugh!” I lost all control and screamed. “And I especially don’t want to be in this fucking house!” Pulling up on my knees, I dragged my hands through my hair in frustration and choked out a furious scream.

“No, Liz, stop!”

“My sister’s dead, and my mother’s dying!” Pulling so hard on my hair, a clump came away in my hand, I tossed it away and quickly reached for my shorts-clad thighs.

“Lizzie, please—”

“My father hates me, and I’ve lost all my friends!” Digging my nails into my skin, I tore at my flesh deep enough to draw blood. “I wish I could switch places with Caoimhe!” Ignoring his protests, I continued to scream and claw at my skin. “I wish I fucking died that night!”

“No, baby, no!” I felt Hugh’s arms come around me like a vise, rendering me helpless. “Please, Liz, don’t hurt yourself.”

“It’s not fair!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “Why did she have to die, Hugh? Why Caoimhe? Why like that ? Why my sister?”

“I don’t know, Liz,” he replied, keeping a firm hold of me. “I wish I had the answers for you, but I don’t. The only thing I can tell you with absolute certainty is that I am glad it wasn’t you.”

“Don’t say that!”

“I’m glad you didn’t die that night, and I would never wish for you to switch places with Caoimhe. Not in a hundred thousand lifetimes! I pick you every single time, Lizzie Young, because I love you!”

“No, you don’t!” I screamed, trying and failing to escape his relentless hold. “You don’t love me because you can’t!” He was so much stronger than me that I couldn’t break free no matter how hard I tried. “Do you hear me? You fucking can’t!”

“I do, I do,” Hugh continued to whisper over and over, while he fused my back to his chest, my arms pinned to my sides. “I love you, and you can’t make me stop.”

“You’re his friend, not mine!” I lashed out, desperate to prove myself right. Because he would leave me, too. That’s all I knew for sure in this life. Nobody stayed. “You’re his !”

“I’m yours,” he soothed, voice steady and unwavering while I sounded feral. “I’m all yours.”

“Don’t lie to me,” I warned, feeling my chest heave from the sheer height of panic clawing at my chest. “I can’t take it.”

“I’m yours,” Hugh continued to promise, lips brushing against my ear as he spoke softly. “I’ve only ever been yours.”

“But I’m not a good person,” I cried out, feeling broken. “I’m a bad girl.”

“That’s not true,” Hugh replied, voice thick with emotion. “Every single thing about you is good , Lizzie Young, and I’m your best friend, so I should know.”

“But I’m bipolar,” I croaked out, feeling my body grow limp against his.

He kissed my temple. “I know.”

“That’s not good.”

“Says who?”

Sniffling, I choked out a pained sob. “Everyone.”

“Not me.” He kissed my temple again. “I happen to adore that complicated mind of yours.”

“It’s not complicated—it’s crazy.”

“You couldn’t be more wrong if you tried,” he replied in a confident tone. “You’re going to live a great life, Liz. A little complicated, sure, and maybe challenging at times, but it’ll be a fucking great one.”

“I am?”

“Yeah, Liz, you are.”

“How can you know that?”

“Because I’m going to make sure of it.”