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SOLO TRIPS AND SOBBING SISTERS

Lizzie

JUNE 25, 1999

“E LIZABETH ,” D AD SAID, STANDING IN MY BEDROOM DOORWAY . “W E’LL LEAVE IN FIVE minutes, okay?”

“Okay, Dad,” I called back, climbing on top of my suitcase in a last-ditch effort to close it. “I’m almost ready.”

“Have you packed everything you need?”

“I think so.”

“Are you sure?” he pushed. “You’ll be away from home for three nights.”

“I know, Dad.” And I couldn’t wait . Sinead Biggs had invited me to join her family on their annual trip to her father’s holiday home on the West Cork coast. I’d never been on holiday without my family, and my dad had agreed to let me go. Better again, Claire and Hugh told me all their aunts, uncles, and cousins on their mam’s side of the family would be there and that the kids got to camp out in their grandfather’s backyard every year. According to the siblings, Grandad Healy was fond of the drink, even more fond of mischief, and always let his grandkids get away with murder, which only increased my excitement.

I knew I had Caoimhe to thank for Dad letting me go, because if my sister hadn’t messed up so bad, our father wouldn’t be giving me this chance to prove myself. It didn’t hurt my cause that Sinead Biggs was an experienced senior-level nurse. My parents trusted her to know what to do if my mood shifted unexpectedly.

I felt bad for Caoimhe, I really did, and I knew the past three weeks had been hard on her, but the truth was I’d never felt better .

For the first time in eleven years, I wasn’t the sole cause of our family dysfunction. My sister had screwed up so colossally that she managed to make me look like the good one, something I’d never been accused of before.

Her unexpected fall from grace had given me a reprieve from our parents’ worried looks and disapproving scowls. I’d quickly realized that my parents’ approval was something I liked a lot and found myself wanting to do better to impress them more to keep them happy. It was much easier to do now that I was actually sleeping at night. I hadn’t been plagued by nightmares in weeks and was managing to get a solid eight hours each night.

“Did you pack your meds?” Dad asked, dragging my attention back to him.

“Yep.” I smiled and patted the front pocket of my duffel bag. “And I took today’s dose already.”

“Good girl.” Dad smiled at me then, and it was a real, genuine smile. “I’ll be downstairs when you’re ready.”

Grinning like I’d won an Olympic gold medal, I watched my dad walk away, and then I listened to the sound of his footsteps as he descended the staircase.

Today is a good day .

And I’m not bad .

Because my dad loves me .

I can be lovable .

Finally managing to close my suitcase, I heaved it off the bed, slid my shoulders through the straps of my duffel bag, and then hurried out of my room. When I passed Caoimhe’s bedroom door on the landing, I froze. Setting my suitcase down, I listened to the low, keening sobs coming from the other side of the door.

It had been weeks, and she was still crying.

Deciding to check on her before I left for the camping trip, I slipped inside her room and padded over to where she was curled up in a ball on her bed.

“Caoimhe?”

“Wh-what?” she choked out through racking sobs. The only part of her I could see was her blond hair splayed over her pillow. The rest of her was hidden under her purple duvet.

“Are you okay?”

“Wh-what the f-fuck do you th-think?” she strangled out, crying harder now.

“No,” I muttered, forcing down the sharp retort on the tip on my tongue because I hated it when she talked to me like that. “I just wanted to say bye,” I added. “Before I leave for the trip.”

“Bye,” she snapped. “You c-can go n-now.”

I sighed heavily. “Do you want to talk about it—”

“If I did, you’d be the l-last person on earth I’d w-want to t-talk to!” she screamed, sitting up and shoving the covers off her body. “So just g-get the fuck out of my r-room, Lizzie!” When I didn’t leave immediately, she lunged forward and pushed me hard enough to knock me backwards. “I said g-get the f-fuck out, you f-fucking l-lunatic!”

“Fine!” I snapped, climbing to my feet. “Enjoy wallowing in bed.” Balling my hands into fists at my sides, I backed away from her bed before I lost my cool and ruined my chance at going camping. “I’m going camping with my friends.”

“Go!” Caoimhe screamed, throwing her pillow at me as I went. “And do us all a f-favor and d-don’t come back!”