Page 201

GOODBYE, MY LOVER

Hugh

APRIL 19, 2004

T HE MOMENT I LOCKED EYES ON HER IN THE COURTYARD, EVERY HARD-EARNED SLIVER of my battered pride evaporated. As for my heart? It returned to her like a faithful boomerang. Because unlike my brain, it couldn’t be tricked into forgetting about her.

I had a million and one commitments after school today, but Liz’s unexpected return sent every single one of those clean out of my head.

Sitting opposite Liz at one of the picnic tables at school, I couldn’t stop my eyes from raking over her.

She had grown up so much in three and a half months. Her dark-blond hair was shorter than she used to have it, grazing her shoulders instead of the middle of her back. She was a lot thinner now—taller, too. All remnants of her cute childhood features had been replaced by stark feminine beauty.

But it was her eyes that socked me right in the chest.

Those big, pale-blue, lonesome eyes.

Jesus, they were like nothing I’d ever seen before or since.

“You look good,” I told her, because it was the truth. “You look healthy.”

“So do you,” Liz replied, hypnotizing me with those haunting irises. “You look so different.” I watched as her gaze raked over me. “You’re so tall now, and broad, and manly .”

My face burned with heat. “That’s puberty for ya.”

“Listen,” Liz said then, and I braced myself for the conversation I knew had to happen. “About what happened—”

“Liz, you don’t have to do this,” I heard myself cut in, still trying to protect her. “I know you weren’t yourself at the time.”

“I do,” she replied, teary-eyed, as she clasped her hands together on the table in front of her. “I need to get this off my chest and I need you to let me.”

Fuck .

“All right.” Swallowing deeply, I forced a nod. “I’m listening.”

Liz drew in a deep, quivering breath before saying, “I’m truly sorry for the hell I’ve put you through. For repeatedly breaking your trust and ruining our relationship.” Tears continued to fill her eyes, but she blinked them away and kept going. “Coming off my meds was horribly selfish and unfair to you. You’ve always been there for me, supporting me through everything, and it was incredibly self-centered and unreasonable of me.” Another shiver rolled through her as she continued, “I’m really sorry for not taking accountability sooner, but knowing that I hurt you is the hardest pill I’ve ever had to swallow.”

“Liz.” My heart cracked clean open. “I don’t hold any of it against you.”

“Because you’re a selfless person,” she strangled out. “Because you’re you .” The tears filling her eyes started to trickle down her cheeks. “I know what I did now. Not everything, but the parts I can remember make it clear that I have no right to ask you for a second chance.”

“Liz,” I strangled out, feeling my chest heave from pressure. “I would do anything to go back in time and change our ending. To stop it from happening. And if there was any way I could get past it, I would, but…”

“You can’t,” she confirmed tearfully, with a knowing nod. “It’s okay, Hugh. I understand.” Sniffling, she added, “That’s why I’m not going to ask.”

“Liz…”

“I know you need to stay away from me,” she breathed, body racking with tremors. “And I know why you can’t be my friend anymore, but I just want you to know that I am so grateful to have had you in my life.” A pained sob escaped her when she said, “I’ll never have a greater friend, Hugh Biggs, or a greater love.”

“Fuck.” I blew out a ragged breath as my heart thundered violently. “Liz.”

This was crippling me to the point where my heart was screaming at me to give in.

She’s back on her meds .

It’ll be better this time .

Give her one more chance .

But then the image of him between her legs flashed in my head, and I held firm.

Because it would happen again.

That was the only thing I was sure of.

“I’ll never stop being sorry for betraying you,” she said, holding her head in her hands. “And I’ll never forgive myself for killing us.”

Jesus Christ .

I wanted to soothe her.

I wanted to wipe her tears and make her better again.

I wanted her .

But I just couldn’t .

“It’ll be okay,” I strangled out, reaching over and snatching one of her hands up. “We can still be friends.”

“No, Hugh, we can’t,” she replied sadly, entwining her fingers with mine. “You can’t be friends with the person you’re in love with.” Tears trickled down her cheeks. “And I’m always going to be in love with you, Hugh.”

I believed her.

I knew this girl better than I knew myself.

I could hear her truth.

I could see it in her eyes.

It mirrored mine.

I knew how she felt because I felt the same way.

It was a hopeless, desperate, frantic feeling.

It was fucking torture.

“We can try,” I heard myself offer, feeling panicked at the thought of this being it. Please, God, don’t let this be it . “Liz, it’ll be okay.”

“Yeah, it will, because I’m going to take a step back,” she declared and the way she said it made me think she had thought about this a lot. “I’ll take the sideline bench when it comes to our friendship circle, and I won’t interfere in your life.”

“Liz.” My eyes started to water. “I don’t want that.”

“Neither do I,” she squeezed out, sniffling. “But it has to happen.”

I knew she was right; we had to go in separate directions, but that didn’t make doing it any easier.

I couldn’t be sure if this was her plan, if she intended to break me down like this and shatter my resolve, but it worked.

“I know what you did,” she continued, gently squeezing my hand. “How you buried the rumors about what I did with him and covered for the disgusting way I treated you.”

“You weren’t well.”

“And you were the one caught in the crossfire, but you still protected me.”

“I’ll always protect you.” I swiped a tear from my cheek. “No matter what.”

Sniffling, she squeezed my hand again. “I want you to have the best life imaginable. Nobody deserves it more than you.”

“Liz…”

“And I want you to move on from me,” she said, choking on the words like they physically pained her. “I don’t want you to feel guilty about it or think you’re doing something wrong, because you aren’t. Because you are too amazing of a person to spend your life stuck on a fuckup like me.”

“What about you?” I could barely see her face through my tears. “How am I supposed to let you go?”

“You didn’t let me go, remember?” she sobbed, stroking my hand with her thumb. “I did that.”

“Fuck, Liz.” I dropped my head on the table, covering it with my free hand while I fought to wrangle in my emotions. “Fuck.”

“Claire told me you started seeing someone,” she whispered, reaching over the table with her free hand to stroke my hair. “I want you to know it’s okay.”

I broke down.

I couldn’t help it.

Right there in the middle of school, I cried my fucking heart out.

“It’s okay,” Liz continued to soothe, while I fought to pull myself together. “I want you to be happy.”

My ears were ringing.

My heart was gunning in my chest.

My heart was insisting I had taken a wrong turn in life and demanding that I turn back.

“It’s new,” I finally managed to say when I steadied myself. “I, ah…” Roughly clearing my throat, I wiped my eyes with my sleeve and forced myself to look at her. “Her name is Katie.”

When her blue eyes met mine, I felt the pull. The undeniable bond that linked my soul to hers. The one that no amount of time or distance seemed to sever. “Is she good to you?”

Sniffling, I nodded. “Yeah, she’s really good to me.”

The sadness in her eyes was killing me, and I had to fight every instinct inside of me to not pull her into my arms. Because it felt like I had been programmed to protect this girl. The only problem was, I needed protection from her . Because no one could hurt me like Liz could.

“I’m happy for you.” She tried to smile but choked out a pained sob. “I swear I am,” she hurried to say, as she pulled her hand from mine. “It’s just h-hard.”

I understood.

I knew exactly how she felt.

A wave of panic washed over me when I watched her stand up and retrieve her books and schoolbag.

I wanted to shout don’t go , but it wouldn’t have helped either one of us.

“I’ll always love you, Hugh Biggs,” Liz said when she rounded the table and stopped in front of me. Inhaling a quivering breath, she leaned down and pressed a kiss to my cheek before whispering, “No matter what.”

And then she was gone.