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I’M GOING UNDER AGAIN

Lizzie

MAY 10, 2000

S CREAMING MY NAME AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS , C AOIMHE BARGED INTO MY ROOM . “Elizabeth, come out right this instant. I need to talk to you!”

Fumbling with the wardrobe door, I gingerly climbed out, feeling panicked. “I’m sorry, Caoimhe.”

“Did he touch you, Lizzie?” my sister demanded, shoving Mark away when he tried to hug her. “Did Mark force you to have sex with him?”

My body turned to stone, and I looked up at my sister with tears streaming down my cheeks. “Am I in trouble?”

“She’s lying,” Mark snarled, pushing my sister so hard, she fell to the floor. “Tell her I never forced you, munchkin!” He grabbed my arm and forced me to stand. “Fucking tell her, you little cunt!”

“Don’t touch her!” Screaming and snarling, Caoimhe flung herself at him, scratching and tearing at him. “You fucking monster.”

“I’m broken,” he sobbed, trying to pull her body close to his. “I need help, baby, I’m sick.”

“What did you do to her?” she continued to scream, knocking him to the floor. “How long has this been going on?”

“She wanted it, I swear,” he tried to plead, pinning my sister down. “She was always jealous of us. What I have with you. She’s a fucking whore, baby. Your sister led me on. You have no idea what she’s capable of.”

“She’s a child!” Caoimhe snarled, bucking her hips to knock him off her chest. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“You can’t tell anyone, Caoimhe,” he cried, pinning her hands above her head. “Please, baby, please. I’ll kill myself. You don’t want that, do you? Do you want me to die, baby? Because that’s what’ll happen…”

The Gardaí didn’t believe me.

Neither did the grown-ups.

Nobody believed me.

Except Hugh , my mind encouraged, the brave knight believes his lady .

Everyone else thought I was disturbed.

Maybe I was.

They were so sure that I was mistaken that it jarred me.

It shook my resolve.

It made me doubt myself.