Page 191

I’LL DO IT

Lizzie

JANUARY 1, 2004

D EVASTATED , I SLUMPED ON THE PLASTIC CHAIR ON ONE SIDE OF MY MOTHER’S BED side, while my father sat on the other.

With his head bowed and his elbows resting on the side of Mam’s hospital bed, Dad cradled her frail hand to his cheek.

My mother looked lifeless, while my father looked truly defeated.

“Your mother fights so hard to be here,” Dad said, nuzzling her hand with more affection than I’d ever seen him express. Tears trickled down his cheeks as he spoke. “And every day you don’t get better, you push her closer to the grave.”

“I’m sorry,” I managed to croak out, body trembling violently. “I’ll do better, Dad, I promise.”

“Promises have to be kept to mean something,” my father told me, keeping his attention trained on my mother’s sleeping face. He didn’t sound angry anymore. Just worn down. “What happened with young Biggs?”

“I hurt him,” I admitted, breathing through my nose, as I willed my heart to kick-start in my chest and prayed for a miracle to rewire my fucked-up mind. “And he broke up with me.”

“Well, I can’t say I blame the lad.” Dad sighed. “You’ve certainly broken my heart and soul—and your mother’s, too.”

Yeah, I understood that now.

I was seeing the damage up close, and it was killing me.

“Dad.” Knees bopping restlessly, I pushed my hands through my hair and expelled a quivering breath. “I think I need some help.”

“You’re damn right you do,” he replied, reaching up to brush Mam’s hair off her face. “Because your behavior is killing my wife.”

Pain.

Guilt.

Shame.

The full force of my emotions punched me so hard in the chest that I momentarily lost the ability to breathe.

“Dad,” I wheezed, feeling lightheaded now. “I think you should send me away.”

“We’ll talk about it later,” my father replied. “When your mother is out of the woods.”

“No, Dad,” I choked out, drowning in my emotions as every part of me shook. “I really think I need to go away now.”

“What are you saying, Elizabeth?”

“I don’t feel right in the head,” I cried, covering my face with my hands. “And I don’t want to hurt people anymore.”

“You want to go back to the hospital?”

Yes .

No .

Maybe .

“I just want to stop hurting people,” I replied, crying quietly into my hands. “I want to be me again, Dad.”

“Do you mean that?”

“Yeah,” I sobbed, nodding my head. “Please help me, Dad.”

“All right, all right.” I heard the sound of metal scraping on tiles moments before my father’s hand rested on my shoulder. “It’s okay. I’m here.”

“Dad, I’m scared,” I strangled out, chest heaving. “I’m so fucking scared of my own mind.”

“I know you are.” He continued to gently pat my shoulder. “And I’m going to get you help.”

“I just want to be okay again.”

“You will be.” His voice was thick with emotion. “Staying at the hospital helped you the last time, and it’ll help you again.”

“I’ll do it.” Sniffling, I looked up at the man who raised me. “I’ll do it your way. Whatever it takes, Dad.”

“Good girl.” Tearful, blue eyes stared back at me. “Now, go for a little walk outside, while I make some calls.”

I opened my mouth to respond, only to freeze when the door swung inward.

“Hi.” Breathless and panting, Hugh strode into my mother’s hospital room. “I came as I soon as I heard.”

“Hugh,” I strangled out, scrambling out of my chair in my rush to get to him. “Hugh!”

“I’m here, Liz,” he said, wrapping me up in his arms when I reached him. “I’m right here.”

Clenching my eyes shut, I clung to his body for all I was worth.

He didn’t push me away.

He didn’t stiffen or recoil.

He fully embraced me in this moment, allowing me to take what comfort I needed from his touch.

“Hughie,” Dad sighed, relief flashing in his eyes. “Thanks for coming, son.”

“Of course,” he replied, keeping a firm hold on me. “How is she?”

“It was touch and go for a while,” Dad explained wearily. “But she’s out of the woods. The doctors said we got her to the hospital in time.”

“That’s good,” Hugh replied in that familiar steady tone. The one that made me feel like everything would be okay. “Catherine is a fighter,” he continued to say, while he rubbed my back. “She’ll come back from this, Mike. Stronger than ever.”

“Let’s hope so, son.”

“Here.” Hugh peeled the wrapper off one of the granola bars he’d snagged from the vending machine down the hall and held it up to me. We were sitting in the visitors’ room on my mother’s ward, waiting for my father to come back from making his phone calls. “Come on, Liz,” Hugh continued to coax. “Take a bite.”

Too weary to protest my lack of hunger, I leaned in and took a small bite.

“Good job,” he praised, rubbing my knee. “You look like you haven’t eaten in days.”

“I haven’t,” I admitted brokenly, turning to look at him. “Or at least, I don’t remember.”

Pain flashed in his whiskey eyes. “It’s okay.” Reaching up, he tucked a clump of my untamed hair behind my ear, fingers lingering on my cheek. “You’re going to feel so much better soon.”

“Yeah,” I croaked out, unable to stop myself from wincing.

Dad was making calls to have me admitted into Brickley House, a private psychiatric and rehabilitation facility on the northside of the city.

I was going away today, and I didn’t know when I’d be back.

The fear clawing its way up my throat was terrifying, and the reckless streak inside of me was demanding I run for the hills.

But I wouldn’t.

Because I knew I had to take accountability.

My mother was lying in a hospital bed because of me, and my entire world had been blown to smithereens.

I was a fucking mess.

“Hey—hey.” Hugh’s steady voice broke through the cloud of tumultuous thoughts thrashing around in my head, and I felt his hands on my face. “Look at me, Liz.”

Reluctantly, I did.

“It’s okay,” he said slowly, eyes locked on mine. “Everything is going to be okay .”

“I’m so sorry,” I breathed, tears streaming down my cheeks. “I never meant for any of this to happen.”

“I know you didn’t,” he replied, stroking my cheeks with his thumbs. “And we can talk about everything when you get home.” His eyes glistened with tears. “But for now, all you have to do is get better, okay?”

Sniffling, I nodded my head and covered his hands with mine. “I’ll never forgive myself for what I’ve done to you.” A pained sob escaped me, and I clenched my eyes shut to stem my tears. “I’ve hurt you so bad, Hugh.”

“I’m here, see?” He offered me a pained smile. “And all I want you to do is take every bit of help those doctors offer you, okay?” A tear fell from his thick lashes to his cheek, and he sniffed his emotions back. “That’s how you make this right, Liz—by making you you again.”

“Your mother’s awake, Elizabeth,” Dad interrupted, standing in the doorway. “She wants to see you before you go.”