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RAISE A MAN, EXPECT A MAN

Hugh

MARCH 18, 1999

T WO HOURS LATER , I FOUND MYSELF SITTING IN THE PASSENGER SEAT OF MY MOTHER’S car as she pulled up outside Old Hall House. “Before we go inside, I want to talk to you about something,” Mam said when she parked the car in her usual spot. “And I need you to hear me out.” She jacked the handbrake before turning in her seat to give me her full attention. “Can you do that for me, Hugh?”

I wanted to say no, because I knew Mam was going to plead my father’s case, but how could I do that when she’d literally dropped everything to drive me over here? I couldn’t, so I nodded stiffly. “Yeah, Mam, I can do that.”

“I know you’re struggling with your feelings about Dad right now and how you feel like he’s been absent in your life.”

No, Mam , I’m not the one struggling with my feelings . Dad is, and I don’t feel like Dad has been absent in our lives. I know he has .

“But I need you to know that Dad loves you so much, Hugh, and he’s heartbroken to think he upset you this evening.”

Yeah, but not enough to actually help me, though .

“Dad’s devastated, Hugh,” she continued. “I know that’s hard for you to accept at this stage in your life, but I need you to show him some grace.” She reached across the console and ruffled my hair. “A good man shows compassion, and I’m raising you to be a good man.”

I waited a beat to see if she planned on adding anything else. When she didn’t, I nodded and unfastened my seat belt. “Gotcha.”

“Hold up.” Mam reached for my arm. “Gotcha? That’s all you have to say?”

“What do you want me to say, Mam?” I replied, shrugging. “You asked me to hear you out and I did.”

“Hugh.” I could hear her disappointment when she said my name like that. “Please try to put yourself in your father’s shoes for a moment—”

“I did what you asked, Mam,” I cut in and told her, reaching for the door handle. “I heard you out. I listened to you cover for him for the millionth time, but that’s all I have, okay? When it comes showing grace to Dad, I’m fresh out of it.”

“Hugh, you can’t say things like that,” Mam argued, tone hurt and weary. “Not about your father.”

“You’re my father, Mam. You! ” I snapped back, turning to glare at her. “You’re the only parent either of us have had since the accident.”

Her breath hitched. “Hugh!”

“Listen…” Blowing out a frustrated breath, I pressed my fingers to my temples, trying to soothe the tension rising up inside of me. “I know he’s my father, and I know you don’t want me to have these feelings, but I’ve never tried to force you or Claire to feel the way I do about him, so please don’t try to force me.”

Mam looked like she was about to argue for a moment, but then her shoulders slumped in defeat. “I’m sorry.” Slumping against her seat, she pressed a hand to her brow and whispered, “I’m just so sorry that I haven’t been able to protect you from this.”

“Mam, you have nothing to be sorry about.” Reaching across the console, I snatched up her hand in mine. “You’ve gone over and above for us every day of our lives.” I gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. “Claire and I couldn’t ask for a better mother.”

Her eyes were glassy from the tears I knew she would never spill in front of me or my sister. Because she saved those up for when she was in the bath and thought no one could hear her.

I heard her, though.

Every night .

“How did you grow up so fast?” Smiling sadly, she reached up and cupped my cheek. “My baby boy isn’t a baby anymore.”

“I don’t know what to say, Mam,” I replied with a shrug. “Raise a man, expect a man.” A smile ghosted my lips before adding, “But if you need a baby boy, I reckon you have another three years with Gibs before he cops on.”

That made her laugh, and I was glad, because I didn’t want to see my mother upset. This was the woman who gave me life. I would rather be raked over hot coals than cause her distress.

“What would I do without you, hmm?” Mam reached over and stroked my cheek. “Love you.”

“Love you, too, Mam, and thanks for the spin.” Reaching for the door handle, I cleared my throat before adding, “For everything.”