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HYPOTHETICAL SCENARIOS AND THE TOP 1 PERCENT

Hugh

SEPTEMBER 2, 2002

“A BOUT FUCKING TIME , B IGGS ,” C OACH M ULCAHY BARKED WHEN I F INALLY JOINED him and the rest of the team on the bus. “Jesus Christ, I thought I would have to send a search party out for my fly half.”

“Sorry for being late, Coach,” I mumbled, climbing the steps of the bus. “It won’t happen again.”

“Yes, well, considering you’re usually always on time, I’ll let it slide,” he grumbled, hands planted on his hips. “But don’t make a habit of this.”

“Thanks, Coach,” I replied, making a beeline for the aisle.

“Hold up.” Clamping a hand on my shoulder, he pulled me back to face him. “You’re all right, aren’t ya, Biggs?” Concern filled his tone. “You’re not feeling sick or anything?”

“I’m grand, sir.”

His eyes studied mine for a long beat before he shook his head and released me. “All right then, Biggs. Go take your seat.”

“Did someone skip breakfast this morning?” Feely snickered when I collapsed onto the seat beside him “Holy fuck, lad, she ate the neck off ya.”

You have no idea . Knees bopping restlessly, I exhaled a shaky breath and strived to calm my nerves. “I’m in so much trouble, lad.”

“With Coach?”

“No, not Coach,” I spat, turning to gape at him. “With her, Pa, with her .”

Instead of offering support to a friend in need, my friend decided to laugh into my face. “I thought you’d be delighted to finally have your girlfriend join Tommen.”

“I am delighted,” I choked out, eyeballing him. “I’m too delighted.”

“There’s no such thing as being too delighted, lad.”

“There is when you have a girlfriend that looks like mine .” Feeling panicked, I bit down on my fist and whispered, “Did you see her in that uniform?”

“Is that a trick question?” my best friend replied, instantly wary. “If I say yes, are you going to rage at me for looking?”

“You did see her in that uniform,” I strangled out, burying my head in my hands. “How in the name of Jesus does she walk with those stilts for legs?”

“No clue, Hugh, but they are, by far, the sexiest stilts for legs I’ve ever seen.”

“Not fucking helping, lad.”

“My apologies.”

“She wants me.”

“Yeah, Hugh, that’s generally how it goes when you’re in a relationship.”

“No.” I turned to look at him again. “I mean she wants me wants me.”

“Relax, will ya?” Feely laughed, patting my shoulder. “You have the self-control of a eunuch monk.”

I shook my head. “Not with her, I don’t.”

Feely grinned back at me. “And that’s a problem because?”

“Because I haven’t, I mean we haven’t, and I don’t…ugh!” Groaning in pain, I dropped my head in my hands once more. “It’s like the more I try to be respectful, the more she encourages me not to.”

Feely snorted. “Talk about first-world problems.”

My head snapped up. “Excuse me?”

“You are sickening, do you know that?”

“How?”

“Can you hear yourself right now?” he asked, looking thoroughly amused. “You’re practically in tears because your girlfriend wants you. That’s a top 1 percent problem, Hugh.” Chuckling, he added, “Have you any idea how the other 99 percent of lads struggle?”

“Says the fella sticking his dick in anything with a pulse since his fifteenth birthday.”

“Hey! I never said I was part of the 99 percent, asshole,” he shot back with a laugh. “Besides, someone has to fly the solo flag.”

“Yeah, and you do more than enough flag waving for the rest of us,” I grumbled, giving him the side-eye.

Feely shrugged unapologetically. “It’s my hands.” He raised one for emphasis and wiggled his fingers. “Guitar fingers, lad.”

“Get that thing out of my face before I puke on you,” I warned, slapping his hand away.

“I’m so glad I don’t live at Avoca Greystones,” he mused thoughtfully, scratching his jaw. “There’s clearly something in the water that makes lads lose their heads. I mean, Gibs can act the player as much as he wants, but we both saw him rocking in a corner from the sheer height of guilt over shifting Bernadette Brady at the disco last year. At least you had the balls to put a label on you and Liz—even if you’re too pussy to be a real boyfriend to her.”

“I beg your fucking pardon!” I spluttered, feeling extremely offended. “I’ll have you know that I’m a damn good boyfriend.”

“Have you felt her tits yet?”

“Yes.”

“Under her bra?”

I opened my mouth to respond but nothing came out.

Feely laughed. “Thought not.”

“How does feeling her tits make me a better boyfriend?”

“Because if you touch her tits, you might actually make her feel good,” he replied drolly.

“I always make her feel good.”

“Sexually, Hugh.”

I narrowed my eyes. “I can make her feel good sexually.”

“Not by holding her hand, you can’t,” he laughed.

“Like you’re an expert on the matter.”

“Oh, you want an expert?” Grinning, he stretched up in his seat and called out, “Cap, come over here a sec, will ya?”

“Are you mental ?” I strangled out. “I’m not talking to him about this.”

“You don’t have to,” he replied. “I’ll do the talking.”

“What’s the story, lads?” Kav said, dropping in the seat in front of ours.

“You’ve had a lot of sex, haven’t ya?” Feely came right out and asked, while I mentally dug myself a hole to die in.

“Whether I have or haven’t is irrelevant.” Kav was quick to shut down the conversation. “Because I don’t discuss my sex life with anyone.”

“Yeah.” Feely rolled his eyes. “Which means he’s had a lot of sex with a lot of different girls.”

“What’s this about, Feely?” Kav snapped, sounding irritated.

“If sex was off the cards, would you use fingers or tongue to get her off?”

“Jesus Christ, Pa,” I choked out, appalled.

“Hypothetically?” Kav offered, sounding mildly interested now.

“Of course.”

“In what context?”

“You and a random girl.”

“Fingers,” Kav replied without hesitation. “No tongue.” Grimacing, he stroked his chin before adding, “Never use tongue on randomers.” A shudder racked through his enormous frame. “That’s way too intimate.”

“And if you were in a committed, long-term relationship with her?”

Johnny frowned like he didn’t understand the question. “If we were in a committed, long-term relationship, then why wouldn’t we be having sex?”

Feely cracked up laughing.

“I’m confused,” Kav admitted, brows furrowed.

“Don’t worry about it,” I replied, digging into the ribs of the asshole beside me. “Feely’s having a moment.”

Johnny stared at us for a long beat before shaking his head and rising to his feet. “I’m not sure what either one of you bright sparks is up to, and I honestly don’t have the headspace to worry about it, but make sure you roll hypothetical condoms on your hypothetical dicks before you start fucking around.” He started to walk back to his seat before stopping in the middle of the aisle to turn around and say, “And save the oral for your hypothetical committed relationships.”

“Nice one, Feely. Now he thinks we’re deranged.”

“Don’t worry about it, Hugh. He probably thinks we’re fucking each other.”

“No offense, lad, but I’m way too far out of your league for him to think that.”

“Whatever you say, virgin .”

“Right back at ya, whore .”