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DON’T HOLD YOUR brEATH

Hugh

NOVEMBER 8, 2003

W HEN I WALKED INTO THE LOUNGE AFTER WORK ON S ATURDAY NIGHT, BONE WEARY and ready for bed, I stopped dead in my tracks when my eyes landed on the couch, a.k.a. my makeshift bed since that night.

Holding a finger up to her lips, Mam inclined her head, gesturing for me to come in but didn’t move a muscle from her perch on the couch.

I supposed she couldn’t, not when she had two girls draped over her lap.

Well, Liz was draped over my mother’s lap, and Claire was draped over Liz’s legs.

It was a whole heap of blond hair and tearstained cheeks.

My fucking heart buckled at the sight.

Feeling like my legs were made of lead, I debated remaining in the archway that led from our kitchen to our lounge before releasing a defeated sigh.

Where else was I supposed to go?

I couldn’t leave, could I?

This was my fucking home.

Tossing my swim bag on the floor, I reluctantly joined my mother, taking a seat on the coffee table in front of her rather than risk her body touching mine.

Mam waited until I was sitting down before broaching the subject that I knew was on the tip of everyone’s tongue. “What happened, Hugh?”

My gaze flicked from my mother to Liz and then my sister before settling back on her. Always her . “What did she say happened?”

“Nothing,” Mam urged, tone laced with concern. “That’s the problem. I can’t make sense of a word the girl has been saying all night.”

Pain.

It fucking floored me.

Because I didn’t want this.

I didn’t want her to cry.

I didn’t want her to break down again, but I just…I couldn’t be the one to put her back together this time. “We broke up, Mam.”

“That much I’ve gathered,” Mam replied, stroking Liz’s cheek like she was her second daughter, and in a way, she always had been.

We’d spent our childhood in this house, in a fortress of love, security, and comfort that my mother had built around us. I knew that’s why Liz continued to return. Why she was here right now.

Hell, I didn’t even blame her. I’d been in her home. It was like experiencing the funeral on repeat in that house.

Sadness and tears.

Pain and anger playing on a loop like a broken record.

My home had become her reprieve, and breakup or not, I would never take that away from her.

I only hoped she could find in Claire whatever she had found in me because I couldn’t give it to her anymore.

“Care to tell me why?” Mam pushed when I made no move to delve deeper. “Something terrible must have happened.” Panic flared in her eyes as she put two and two together and came up with five. “Hugh, I know you’re in fourth year now, and some of your friends are moving fast with girls, but Lizzie’s only in second year. Please tell me you didn’t—”

“What—no!” I snapped, cutting her off before she could go there. “That’s not me,” I bit out, pushing my hair off my face. “I would never .”

“Okay.” Blowing out a relieved breath, Mam turned her attention back to the sleeping girl on her lap. “Then what happened?”

“She decided this,” I heard myself admit, and Christ did I hate the way my voice cracked when the admission escaped my lips. “She doesn’t love me anymore, Mam.”

“I don’t believe that for a second,” Mam argued gently. “Teenage girls don’t cry over boys like this when they’re not in love.”

That hit me hard.

Fucking gutted me.

Tore my heart to ribbons.

“Fuck.” Dropping my head in my hands, I gripped my hair so tight, I thought I might rip it from my scalp.

I certainly needed to fuck something up.

Blowing out a frustrated breath, I stood up on shaky legs and inhaled deeply. “Listen, all you need to know is I didn’t put a hand on her, Mam. I wouldn’t, okay? I’m waiting for her… I mean, I was happy to wait.”

“But?”

“But she didn’t want to.”

“Didn’t want to what, Hugh?”

“Wait for me.”

Awareness dawned on my mother’s face, and I could feel the sympathy floating out of her heart and into mine. “Oh, baby.”

“Don’t say anything,” I half warned, half begged. “I don’t want you to think badly of her.”

Tears filled Mam’s eyes. “I wouldn’t do that, love.”

“I don’t want anyone else to think it, either.”

“Okay, love.”

“Because she’s sick, Mam, and whatever she did, she wouldn’t have done it if she were herself.”

“Oh, Hugh.”

“Please. I don’t want it getting out, Mam,” I admitted, rubbing my jaw. “And definitely not back to Claire. So, please just…just put it in a box in the back of your mind and forget about it.” Knees bopping restlessly, I added, “Because Liz needs this place.” I inclined my head to where the three of them were nestled up. “She needs you and Claire.”

“And you?” Mam watched me carefully. “What do you need, Hugh?”

Her .

I shook my head. “I can’t think about that right now.”

“You’ll make up,” Mam called after me when I moved for the doorway. “You’ll find a way through this. You’ll see.”

“Don’t hold your breath” was all I replied.