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CLOSE YOUR EYES AND JUST LET GO

Lizzie

SEPTEMBER 3, 2003

F EAR HAD TAKEN HOLD OF MY BODY TO THE POINT WHERE I COULDN’T LEAVE MY BED . With my arms hooked around my knees, I rocked back and forth, feeling overwhelmed and numb all at once.

My body ached all over, and the stabbing sensation between my thighs sent my mind into a deep spiral.

How long I had been here, I had no idea.

Why this had happened again was another unanswered question.

I only knew this was worse.

I felt worse.

I was trapped, and there was no escape.

I had been captured once more by the monster in my mind and caged inside of my body.

I wanted to purge my soul of this poison.

I wanted to slit my wrists to the bone and bleed the pain away.

At least that way, it would be over.

It would stop.

Because I needed it to all just stop .

Swept up in my sudden emotional turmoil, I tried to make sense of my thoughts, but everything was cloudy.

Confusion had swallowed me whole, while echoes of his voice tipped me over the edge.

Teeth chattering, I continued to rock back and forth, while glancing at the instant photos I had found in the waistband of my skirt.

A little girl that looked just like me.

No!

Lying on her bed.

Stop it!

Without any clothes on.

It’s not real!

Taking her medicine.

It was never real!

Being a good girl for the monster.

No, no, no! It’s not real! Don’t you ever think about that again!

A hoarse sob ripped from my throat, and I quickly smacked the photos away from my body, desperate to get clean.

You know you’re a bad person .

You were a bad child, too .

Filthy little girl .

All those urges .

You are bad .

You shouldn’t be here .

You are a mistake .

You are a liar!

I knew the monster was swallowing me up in his belly again, but I couldn’t chase him off this time. Unraveling, I lost my grip, too weary to hold on.

Let go, busy Lizzie bee .

Close your eyes and just let go .

When I did, when I finally stopped fighting against it and let the voices swallow me up, I felt nothing at all.

And it was wonderful .