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WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU, DADDY?

Lizzie

DECEMBER 31, 2003

“A RE YOU SURE YOU LIKE IT THIS WAY ?” P IERCE GRUNTED, PINNING ME ONTO THE mattress. “I’m not hurting you, am I?”

I would have to feel something to be hurt, and nothing this boy did drew a single response from my body.

I thought it did, but I had mistaken new for good.

He couldn’t make me feel good.

He couldn’t make me better.

I couldn’t feel him.

“Just shut up and fuck me,” I replied, feeling numb.

When he upped his pace, I felt myself die a little more inside.

Because I did this to myself.

I’d lost everything.

All of a sudden, the big light came on in my room, and my father’s voice thundered through the air. “Get your clothes on, ya little bastard, and get out of my house before I kill you!”

“Holy shit,” Pierce yelped, scrambling away from me and grabbing his clothes. “I am so sorry, sir.”

“Who the fuck are you?”

“Pierce, sir.”

“Pierce who?”

“Pierce O’Neill.”

“Get the fuck out of my house before I throttle ya!”

“Catherine!” my father continued to bellow, as he hunted Pierce out of my room. “Come here and sort her out before I throttle her.”

“ Catherine ,” I mocked, rolling my eyes as I climbed out of bed and threw on some clothes. “Get a handle on yourself, will ya? It’s not that deep.”

“Do you think that’s normal?” Dad shouted. “Bringing boys back to the house at your age?”

“I don’t give a shit,” I laughed. “Besides, he likes me.”

“Oh yeah, and he really thinks highly of ya, doesn’t he?” Dad sneered, looking furious. “Leaving his load inside of ya.”

“Actually, he leaves his load in the condom he always wears, but thanks for the lack of faith, asshole.”

“Asshole?” My father’s face turned purple. “Who do you think you’re talking to?” He glanced over his shoulder and started screaming for my mother to hurry up. “Catherine, you better get in here now before I smack some common sense in that girl!”

“Have at it, Daddy,” I laughed, poking his chest with my finger. “Slap some sense into your prodigal daughter.”

“Elizabeth, I’m warning you…”

“Maybe if you’d smacked some sense into Caoimhe when you had the chance, you could’ve stopped her from ruining my fucking life!”

My father’s arm reared back, and I felt the full force of his palm when it connected with my cheek.

Instead of crying from the pain, I laughed in his face. “Hit me harder, Daddy .”

“Stop it, do ya hear me?” Grabbing my shoulders, Dad shook the living daylights out of me, all while tears poured down his cheeks. “Stop doing this to us!”

I knew he was crying.

I could see the tears.

I could hear the agony in his voice.

But I didn’t care.

I felt nothing in this moment.

Nothing but intense hatred toward my entire family for allowing the monster in our house.

“Where the hell were you when I was screaming for you!” I tried to scream, only to end up laughing manically, as tears streamed down my cheeks. “You were never there! You never came when I needed you at night! Do you remember, Daddy ? All the nights I screamed for you? Well, now I’m screaming again, and this time I’m screaming fuck you, you fucking hypocrite!”

“Mike,” Mam cried out in the distance, and I turned to see her on the floor in the doorway of my room. “Oh God, Mike…”

“Catherine!” Dad cried out, springing toward her. “Catherine, hold on, love.”

I could see her on the ground, holding her arm while my father spoke into his mobile phone.

I couldn’t register the sight of my parents.

I just couldn’t feel anything.