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I WAS TRYING TO PROTECT YOU

Lizzie

SEPTEMBER 9, 1995

T HE SCREAMING STARTED SHORTLY AFTER OUR PARENTS LEFT TO JOIN THEIR FRIENDS at the pub and grew louder and louder until I couldn’t take another high-pitched wail.

Our bedrooms were both on the second floor and a good distant apart, but Caoimhe was screaming so loud that I could hear her all the way from mine.

I knew I wasn’t supposed to go near my sister’s room when he was over—she made it crystal clear that I was to stay out—but I couldn’t stand the sound of her shrill screams.

I knew what they meant.

He was using his special powers.

That scared me because it meant my sister was sick like me. Worried, I climbed out of bed and padded down the hall to her bedroom door. Pressing my ear against the old wooden frame, I listened carefully to the noises coming from the other side of it.

“Oh my God!”

“You like that?”

“Fuck, yes, just like that.”

“Mm, that’s it, baby. Just like that.”

“I can’t, I can’t…”

“Take it. Fucking take it, you bad girl!”

“Don’t stop!”

“Turn over.”

“But I don’t—”

“I said turn the fuck over. Now!”

“Okay, but be gentle this time… Ahhh!”

My sister screamed so loud that it made me scream even louder. Panicked, I lost all control over my voice and pushed the door inward, afraid that she might be sick like our mam.

“Lizzie, what the hell are you doing!” Caoimhe roared, but I couldn’t do anything but stand in the doorway and scream. She was leaning, face-down over the side of her bed, and he was standing behind her. They didn’t have any clothes on and he was giving her the special medicine. The one that he made me take, even when I didn’t want to.

My heart sank.

She was sick.

“Oh my God, Lizzie, get the fuck out!” Caoimhe screamed, pulling at her duvet to cover herself. “Now!”

I tried to tell her that I was sorry, that I didn’t mean to break the rules, but she was going to be okay because Mark could fix her.

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.

My eyes flicked to Mark.

He wasn’t looking at me with a cross face.

He was looking at me with a small smile.

I shivered.

“Are you deaf as well as fucking dumb?” This time Caoimhe screamed so loud at me that I felt tears in my eyes. “I said get the hell out.”

Turning on my heels, I bolted from her room as fast as my legs could carry me.

“Don’t roar at her like that,” I heard him shout, but I didn’t stop to listen. Instead, I ran straight to my bed and dove under the covers. Covering my mouth with my hands to stop my screams from getting out, I rocked back and forth under the covers, trying to comfort myself.

It would be okay.

Caoimhe wouldn’t die.

Mark gave her the medicine.

He used his special powers to fix her.

It was good.

This is good.

I clenched my eyes shut when I felt the tears trickling down my cheeks.

Later that night, when my door opened and my sister walked in, I felt confused because she never visited me at nighttime.

Stiffening, I hid under the covers and tried to make myself as small as I could.

“Don’t hide, Liz,” she said, and her voice wasn’t cross like before. “I’m not mad. I’m sorry.” Sniffling, I peeked up at her when she sat on my bed. “I shouldn’t have called you names,” she told me with a heavy sigh. “But you walked in, and I panicked.”

I wanted to ask if she felt better now.

I wanted to ask if she was going to be okay.

“I know it might have looked like Mark was hurting me earlier, but I promise he didn’t. The opposite, in fact.” Her cheeks turned pink as she spoke. “He was making me feel good, Liz. That’s what boys do for girls they love. They make them feel good. And Mark makes me feel really, really good. But you don’t have to worry about any of this now,” she continued, rubbing my arm. “Not until you’re a big girl like me and find a special boy who loves you.”

If boys only did that to girls they loved, did that mean Mark loved me?

Because I didn’t want Mark to love me.

I wanted Hugh to love me.

“Please try to forget about what you saw tonight.” She blew out a shaky breath and looked at me pleadingly. “And please, please, please don’t tell anyone, and especially not Mam and Dad.”

“Did he make you better?” I croaked out.

“Hmm?”

“Mark,” I strangled, trying not to shiver. “Did he make you feel better?”

“Oh.” Her cheeks turned pink again and she nodded eagerly. “Yep, he made me feel all better.”

“Okay.” I heaved out a relieved breath. “I’ll keep your secret.”