Page 79

It was hard to know what I felt as the doors closed.

I bent over, struggling to breathe for a moment, little flashes of Shaun's anger playing over and over in my brain and striking out at me long after I'd walked away.

Buddy seemed to sense there was a problem, insistently pushing his muzzle under my hand.

I stroked his fur absently as Hawk's arm went around my shoulders.

"Jules, don't take it to heart. He was completely out of line and is likely to face a reprimand from the matriarchs. He has a right to be angry, but not like that."

"That's just it," I said, with a voice full of ashes. "There's nothing he said that isn't true, and he's facing the possibility of being kicked out of his home. Because why? Because I didn't handle... anything well."

"How do you feel about the way things went with Shaun? Before the break up?" he said, trying a different tack.

"It was OK, fine. It was all the heat beating down on me. I was just grateful to have someone, some people to work that out with. Shaun was there. God, I sound like a bitch."

He chuckled at that, then rubbed my arm. "That's the norm here. We all understand that heat fever means nothing. Instincts pounding down on you to mate with whoever you can find. Shaun knew that going in, more than you did."

"You're trying to let me off the hook." I glanced up at him. "What if I do the same to you? Have sex with you, then say 'No, thanks'."

"There's a special kind of vulnerability in putting yourself out there.

Sometimes, I think that's what Jack and I have been avoiding.

When we first participated in a mating fight, we were all bright eyed and bushy tailed.

Young, dumb, and full of cum." He winked at me.

"We could not envisage a scenario where two such fine looking fellows would be turned down.

We loved each other, were in the first flush of it right then, so we couldn't see how everyone else wouldn't love us in the same way. "

He rubbed at his beard, staring through the windscreen for a moment.

"Crystal, it was. She'd gone through several heat cycles and was ready to settle down.

Perfect for us, we thought. We wanted to stay together, and she had no real contenders at the time.

We were desperate to be a part of a real pack, wanting to consolidate our love by adding a third.

She'd have our babies, and we'd pamper her for the privilege. "

He shook his head with a rueful smile.

"She shot us down, hard. She was cruel with it.

We didn't realise how some of the girls felt about me and Jack being together.

She sure cleared that up, but one thing stuck with me.

She said it wasn't about her or our offer.

She was just a womb to add to the mix. We didn't actually want anyone in between us, we just wanted her to fulfil a role we couldn't."

He reached over and thumbed away the tears on my cheeks, then cupped my chin.

"Jack's never wanted to try again. We've endured innuendo and outright insults because of it, but he's stayed firm.

To put all you are on the line and hope someone sees worth in you?

That's bloody ball breakingly scary. Shaun's not seeing it right now, because all he can think about is that you rejected him.

You've seen what he had to give and said no.

That's not the way he usually acts. His ego's smarting, and he's lashing out, trying to make you the problem, and I guess for him, you are.

But the opinion of one angry bloke doesn't make you a bad person. Jules, a lot of people here like you."

"Men, because women are so thin on the ground, they're willing to put up with anything to get laid."

He cocked an eyebrow at that.

"Guys get laid plenty, if that's what they want.

Fuck, you should see the single guys on the night of a piss up.

Pretty sure that's when Mick decided to set his cap for me, seeing me doing Jack on one of the tables.

For some of them, it's just a hole to sink yourself into.

For some, they get into the whole thing.

No, that's not it. Finn's a good bloke, isn't he?

" I nodded. "And Brandon and Aaron? Slade's a bit of an arse, but he's got a good heart underneath it all.

Ophelia looks like she's gonna back you against her own daughter, though that's not too unexpected.

You seemed friendly with Nerida and Dex and that crew. "

He pulled me onto his lap, so I straddled those jeans clad thighs, then tipped my chin up, making me stare into those warm brown eyes. "How many people have said they actually don't like you?" he said.

"None, I guess. I know what you're doing.

I get it, really, but this process is way more brutal than I thought it would be.

It all sounded like a fantasy come true, hot guys throwing themselves at me willy nilly, but that's only true if you're a hard-hearted bitch.

If you give a shit at all about not hurting people, it's a minefield. "

"I'm gonna tell you something that might not help, but we know.

You turn up here, new blood—which is always exciting—with this body," his hand slid up my side, "and to be really blunt, these tits, which look just fucking luscious.

" My breath came in a quick gasp as his thumbs brushed along the sides.

"That'd be enough to make the single male population a pest of themselves.

But the real problem, Jules, and it's gonna be a cross to bear.

" He leaned in, and I watched him approach until his mouth was only inches from mine.

"You smell so damn receptive. The local girls are much more reticent, probably bored with all the boys they grew up with, but you?

You breeze into the mess, and all of us are groaning, smelling your desire on you and your attempts to fight it.

I could smell your want when we got into the car, I could smell it when Mick was flirting with you, and I can smell it now.

That's what Shaun's probably the angriest about.

That he was in a position any of us would love to be in, and he's lost it. "

I should have moved back to my seat, put on my seat belt, and drove home.

I should have had a long, hot shower to wash off whatever stink was on me that was pushing the guys’ buttons.

I should have given myself some time to process all of this, spend some actual moments reflecting on what had just happened.

Instead, Hawk moved closer, nostrils flaring, and said, "Unless you say otherwise, I'm gonna kiss you now. "

I didn't, and he did. He pulled me so I laid across his chest, feeling a stretch in my groin that had my clit twitching even before his lips landed on mine.

He wasn't cautious or hesitant, instead forcing my lips open and sliding his tongue inside.

I tasted coffee and cigarettes and something else that was probably Jack.

My hands went to his hair, burying them into the heavy weight of it.

"Fuck, Jules," he said between kisses. "I could do this forever."

A weird kind of acceptance settled over me.

I wish things hadn't gone the way they did with Shaun, but I couldn't change my mind.

It would have been crueller to pretend we had a future, when I now knew we didn't. I didn't know how things were going to work with either Hawk or Jack, but perhaps I didn't need to.

Maybe all I could do was be more aware of what the hell I was feeling.

Can you tell me if someone's not acceptable to you next time? I said to my Tirian.

You pretend I am a separate part of you, because I do not fit with your idea of who you are.

If you do not want to hurt the men, look to your own heart for guidance , she replied.

And that was that, because if she was a part of me, she was a really stubborn, opaque, all-knowing, grumpy Yoda part, and not the cute baby version, either.

I took a deep breath and tried to bring my awareness back to what was happening in the car.

I heard Buddy's rhythmic pant, felt the close air on my skin, the hardness of Hawk's chest under my hands, the soft worn flannel of his shirt.

I looked into those fathomless brown eyes and saw the golden flecks there, as the sun sent a beam across his face.

He looked like a cup of coffee feels like—warm, inviting, ready to help me get through the day.

My mouth twisted. If the rasp of his breath and the hard lump beneath me was anything to go by, being compared to beverages wouldn't be cool.

What do I feel about you? I asked myself, running my hand down the side of his face, digging the tips into his beard.

He turned his head and kissed my palm. I watched his lips fasten around my thumb and suck, his mobile tongue doing something that made me ache.

Just good ole garden variety lust, then.

His eyes, when they looked back at me, were sparkling with amusement at my rapt attention. And a bit of a connection.

"Let’s go home and kiss forever."