Page 75

I woke with a start, my heart pounding. For a moment, I just stared at the strange walls, the morning sunlight creeping past the edges of the blackout curtains.

Then, as the aches and pains in my body returned to inform me just what I'd gotten up to yesterday, it all came back, including the ache in my neck.

My hand slapped against the skin and felt the corrugations of scarring where before, there was only smoothness.

I felt a traitorous throb in my groin in response, even as my mind recoiled with disgust.

And there was a lot to be disgusted by. I flopped against the bedhead as it came rushing in—Shaun, Hawk, Jack, Slade... Fuck. I didn't know if I'd ever behaved as badly in a twenty-four-hour period in my entire life.

As if to throw fuel on the fire, I realised I stank of sweat, my hair stringy with it, and I felt sticky between my thighs.

God, I felt disgusting, this awful post-orgy crustiness.

No , my mind supplied, you are disgusting .

'You don't want to hurt anyone, but you do.

Shaun only stopped drinking when he passed out.

' Jack's words reverberated through my brain, coupled with the look of agony on Shaun’s face, when he realised I wasn't going to accept his petition.

It was about then that it all began to snowball.

Slade's look of devastation when I walked out on him, jumping the fence to get away from him, looking blankly at his mum when she offered to give me one of her beautiful dresses, Brandon's look of horror when I marked Slade, Finn's long-suffering stoicism.

And the sex. So much fucking sex. I rubbed at my face, harder and harder, just wanting it all to stop.

I leapt from the bed, needing to do something, anything to stop this feeling.

I felt the tatters of Slade's shirt around my neck and ripped that off, leaving the pieces on the floor as I opened the door. It felt just like me, stepping away from the destruction I’d caused and walking free.

Plenty of the guys were up when I walked into the living room, naked.

Finn's eyebrows shot up when he saw me, the coffee pot he was holding missing the cup he was trying to pour it into.

Brandon took me in and started towards me, but I stopped him with an upheld hand.

Jack and Hawk huddled together on the couch, their eyes burning on my skin as I passed.

"Jules..." Aaron said with a smile as he came out of the bathroom. "What happened to you last night? I missed you." He moved into my side, the damp heat of his towel pressing into my skin. "I had the most delicious thing planned for you this morning. We could?—"

"I can't," I said, backing away and seeing the hurt on his face, which only had me scuttling further.

I cared for these men, would do anything I could to protect them from pain, but I realised then that I was the biggest threat to them.

Left alone by my Tirian, Jack's words hit me like knives. "I'm sorry, so, so sorry?—"

"It's OK, love. You don't look happy, and we have a few days. Did you want to?—"

"I need a shower. I'm covered with cum."

His smile darkened at that, became somehow predatory.

"It doesn't make me feel sexy. I feel like shit."

His smile dropped, but his eyes softened. "Then let’s get you clean."

"No, no." I held back the tears that suddenly pricked at my eyes, hating the sound of them in my voice. "I need to do this myself."

"I don't think that's right," he said, placing a hand on my shoulder and steering me through the bathroom door. "Jules, you need someone to look after you."

"No." I shook my head, a few drops fighting their way free now, and my sockets burned as they came through. "No, I can't keep doing this."

"Doing what?"

He pushed me under the shower head and turned the water on. For a moment, I just looked up at the spill of water, glad for the opportunity it gave me to cry without it being seen.

Or was it? Aaron ditched the towel and poured soap into his hands, moving them over my body and washing me meticulously as my ribs shook with my sobs. He then went to work on my hair, soaping it up.

"No," I said as I felt the slow unravelling of tension under his fingertips, trying to move away from him.

"Yes," he said, yanking me back. "You need this."

So I let him clean me, care for me, and soothe me, right when I felt I deserved it the least.

He had needs that cried out to be cared for as well.

As per usual, his cock was hard as he worked.

When he caught me looking down, he shrugged.

"I'm always going to respond to you, Jules.

I did in the car when I first met you, when you made a ridiculous attempt to fire that gun, and I am now.

Just because I'm hard, doesn't mean anyone needs to do anything about it. "

"Can you get some relief with another guy? It doesn't have to be Brandon. If I'm fucking a legion of guys, I can hardly complain if you do."

He chuckled at that and pulled me in against his chest.

"Doesn't work like that for me, Jules. I'm not like Jack and Hawk.

I've never been emotionally interested in guys.

In the past, it was just a hole, a mouth to get me off.

Now, I like the performance element of it.

" His thumb brushed the corner of my mouth.

"That you're watching the two of us fuck, getting wetter and wetter so that when I bury my face in you after Brandon's come inside me, you cover me from nose to chin. "

I felt that low down thrum of arousal, so easy to summon forward since I'd come to Sanctuary, but I beat it back. The memory of the black wolf's licking of his fingers as he touched me quenched that quick smart.

"I'm sorry," I said, not totally sure for what specifically.

His thumb brushed across my cheek. "It's OK, Jules. It'll all be OK."

He left me in the main bedroom to dry off and get dressed.

It smelled like them, a woody, musky scent that provoked a momentary desire to jump on the bed and roll around in it.

Instead, I pulled on warm clothes, covering every inch of my skin that I could.

I needed the protection, a buffer between the guys and me.

When I walked back into the lounge room, they were all clustered around, drinking coffee or chatting.

That all stopped when they saw me. Aaron was now in a tight khaki t-shirt and some shorts, and he smiled at me encouragingly as I moved closer.

"Jules—" Brandon started as he leapt down from the counter, walking towards me, but I stopped him with a shake of my head.

"Everyone, just sit down. At the dining table, I think."

I got my fair share of searching looks and expressions of concern, but they did as I asked.

Of course, they did. That was the thing about this place.

I'd thought it was some kind of paradise, where women ruled the roost and there was an embarrassment of riches when it came to hot men.

But I realised with plentiful dick comes great responsibility.

I was free to sleep with whomever I liked, but it was more than that for these guys.

Women were by default precious, due to our rarity.

If I was to be what they said I was—a pack leader—I needed to start acting very differently.

I took the chair left to me, the one at the head of the table.

I paused, just letting myself take them all in.

God, how had I ever gotten so lucky? Even Jack's guarded face and Hawk's haunted one were important to me.

These were good guys, guys I wanted to be around, spend time with, get to know better.

I blinked, Shaun's face popping up as well, for a moment.

No matter what my beast thought, that was an ugly and shit way of dealing with things and as leader, it was on me to do my level best to avoid that and make amends when I could.

"First of all, I want to start by saying sorry.

" I turned to Finn, who sat by my right hand.

"You stepped out to do some work for a few hours, and then came home to total chaos.

You must despair of us, feel like you can't leave us alone without adult supervision.

I'm sorry you feel like it falls on you to try and be that person, though I'm thankful every day that you do.

I'm sorry you have to carry this burden.

I'm going to try and be the leader of this pack that I'm supposed to be, and start taking some of that from you, but I'm probably going to need your help. "

Finn's hand snaked over to take mine, and I squeezed it for a second.

"I can't let myself touch you for long," I said as I pulled it back.

"You guys are so fucking addictive. You said the heat would abate, but it doesn't seem to be.

I had sex...more times than I could count yesterday.

That's not me, that's not my life. I feel like I'm just this clit on legs, dragged hither and thither by what turns me on in that moment.

For at least some of you, this is about more than just getting off with a willing female, am I right?

" Most of them nodded their heads. "I need to start taking that into account, and I need you to remind me when I get caught up in the physical side of things.

Any woman would be proud to have you by their side.

" My eyes skipped along each of them until they settled on Jack and Hawk.

Hawk's eyes simmered with something, I didn't know him well enough to guess at what at that point, but Jack's burned.

"You deserve better than what you've been getting.