Page 190

“Mum, can I have a drink?”

Kade sounded as querulous as a much younger child.

“Sure, baby. What’s up?”

“My head hurts.”

I almost took my foot off the accelerator at that, realising what I was doing and indicating before pulling over on the verge.

I’d packed a lot of supplies without remembering doing it, including Rick’s wallet.

We’d hit one of the petrol stations on the way to wherever we were going, and I’d cleaned out the family accounts, filled the car full of petrol, and got some supplies.

Kade stayed in the car, but the guy behind the counter took in the bruises and blood on my face with just a nod, giving me back my change.

I’d gone to the bathrooms there, cleaned my face as best I could, and dumped the wallet in the rubbish bin.

There was a sharp pain in my nose that had never been there before that stopped me from doing too much, and then I’d gotten back into the car.

I rustled around in my bag now, pulling out some children’s paracetamol and handing it to Kade along with a juice.

Keep Kade safe. Keep Kade safe. Keep Kade safe. The need pulsed with the beat of my heart.

“Try this, love. It’ll make you feel better.”

“OK, Mum.” He bent over like an old man, taking the stuff from me, and I watched him swallow the medication. “I think I’m going to sleep. I feel really, really tired.”

“Sure, love.” I smiled, trying to hide the spike of fear that ripped through me.

Was he more severely hurt? Could he have a concussion?

I didn’t remember him hitting his head, but it was all such a fucking jumble.

Rick’s fists swinging in a flurry of blows, Kade screaming for him to stop, Rick’s hands around my throat, then Kade’s…

I should Google it, shouldn’t I? See what the symptoms are, to be on the lookout?

Soon. Sanctuary. Healers are in Sanctuary.

I shook my head, the sore muscles in my neck immediately protesting. I couldn’t afford to touch that right now. We weren’t there yet. I turned on the indicator and steered the car back onto the road, following the instinct that thrummed inside me like a beacon out into the darkness.

We’d been on the road for five hours when the rattle started.

I’d done everything right, checked the tyres, the air pressure, topped up the radiator, made sure we had a full tank of fuel, but the noise from the engine still came.

It was a blessing in a way, shaking me out of the slit-eyed daze I had been in.

It was all dark shapes out here, the only comming light from my headlights and the stain starting to form on the horizon.

My eyes snapped open, glancing at the fuel gauge, then the temperature one.

Hot panic swamped over me when I saw how much higher the needle had jumped.

As I didn’t drive the piece of shit car often, I had no idea if this was just what it did or something brought on by hours of solid driving.

I pulled over again, on a flat of bare earth, and killed the engine.

I’d gone down several roads, taking lefts and rights almost at random, not knowing where I was going but trusting that burning impulse.

One that deserted me now. I looked around at the seamless blackness and wondered where the hell we were.

“Mum…?” Kade was groggy, sitting up and blinking before asking, “Where are we?”

“I’m not sure, love.”

“I need a drink, and my head still hurts.”

I busied myself finding him a bottle of juice, then pulled out my phone.

I stared at the screen. I should ring someone, anyone, but who?

And what would I say? Come and get me from…

? Had I gone past any road signs lately?

The need to run still throbbed within me, but to where?

If I was going to listen to mental delusions, they could have at least had the decency to stick around.

I looked back at Kade, who was drinking, and took in his slender limbs, his vulnerable little body.

My eyes flicked out to the dark around us.

For a moment, I could have sworn I saw the blink of two bright green lights, but as I searched, all I saw was blackness.

I didn’t get a chance to ponder that, as Kade clambered into the front seat once he’d finished his drink, folding his body up into a small ball on my lap. My hands instantly went to his back, his hair. I hunched my frame around his, the urge to shield him strong.

“Are we lost?”

His voice was thin, low, hoarse, as if he was afraid to ask, afraid of the answer.

“I’ll work it out, baby.”

He just stared out the window for a moment, looking over my shoulder, and then he began to cry.

These were the tears that should have come beforehand, ones he’d been too afraid to let out.

Crying just led to more violence, as if showing any evidence of the pain Rick caused had to be exterminated by him.

In some ways, this was worse than watching him brutalise our son—seeing my little boy’s eyes go wide, watching his heart break.

I stroked his hair as he buried his head against me, sobbing and sobbing and sobbing.

My eyes felt like they swam in a sea of acid. All my tears had been scoured away, leaving only aching sockets and an aching heart.

“Why, Mum! Why would he?—?”

Because you fucked up. Because you hadn’t the guts to walk away and protect your child until it was too late. Because you’ve hurt him just as much as his father did. Because you failed him, failed yourself, failed everything.

We protect the cub , came the growl. Nothing else matters.

“Why wo-wo-wo-uld he—?” His voice kept catching on the words, the misery stopping him from forming them. I knew what he asked, knew what he wanted to know, but I had no answers to give him. Well, none that were fit to share with a young kid.

My answers curled up, black and spiky, in the pit of my belly. They would rip me in two coming out, and then once free, they’d tear into him. So instead, I held him tight against my aching body and rocked him.

You learn something about yourself you never wanted to know when an intimate partner hurts you.

You lose that happy, White Ribbon-ed delusion that you had too much pride or self-esteem to stick around if a loved one hit you, that you’d be straight onto the police.

That first fist smacking into the side of your face was a wake-up call, a slow, painful reveal of the real me.

The me that had been systematically separated from family and friends for this amazing relationship, tied tighter and tighter to him until he had me just where he wanted me.

“Why, Mum?” Kade wailed into my sodden chest. “Why?”

“I don’t know, love.”

How long did we sit there? I wasn’t sure.

The sky grew lighter, the temperature gauge dropped, and the desolate landscape slowly emerged.

It was flat, windy, and the only vegetation was a scrubby low-lying bush so grey-green in colour, it looked almost dead.

This was no place to break down. I needn’t have worried about who to call, as there was no reception out here.

I tossed my phone on the passenger seat, Kade jumping at the movement.

When he finally pulled his face away from my chest, his skin was red and blotchy, eyes swollen.

“What are we doing out here?” he asked, finally taking it all in.

“I…just need to cool down the car, maybe get a bit of sleep.”

He studied my face, reaching out gingerly to twist it so he could see the damage more clearly.

“OK.”

With that, he moved into the passenger seat, setting himself up with a drink, a muesli bar, and his Nintendo DS, though his eyes seemed to be more on the plains around us than his game. I wound my chair back, turning on my side, and watched him.

As I lay there, feeling the chill on my skin and smelling the closed in, stale stink of the car, I listened to the wind wail and tried not to join in with it.

Despite the ache in my face and throat, the huge pressure in my nose, I found myself drifting off a little.

It was the quiet. We might be about to die in some semi-arid wasteland, but there was no one coming for me, no one likely to break down my door.

The ever-present greyness I carried within me rose up, smothering me like smoke until it all fell away.