Page 179

Hawk

I piled Jules’ plate up with food. Probably too much, but Mum’s words the last time I’d been around stuck with me.

“She hasn’t been eating much. She just picks at things. She’s not feeling sick anymore, I know that, but…” I stopped my pacing in the family kitchen, Mum and my Dad watching me with amused expressions. “She’s all belly. Her arms look thinner, and she’s getting these purple shadows under her eyes.”

“Son,” Mum said, placing a hand on my arm so I stopped.

I felt it straight away, that warm feeling of safety, security.

Her smile faltered a little at what she felt, the fucking crazy raging inside, but it didn’t stop her from wrapping her arms around me.

I was a fucking grown man, I’d faced down the Great Wolf with my pack, so why did it feel so bloody good to be held by my Mum?

“Mate, women get the rough end of the stick with this pregnancy malarky,” Dad said, stepping forward and slapping me on the shoulder.

“But you’ve got a burden to bear as well.

We have to watch them go through it. The sickness, the tiredness, the complete transformation of their body.

We have to stand there, wanting to do bloody anything to take the pain away when they bring our kids into the world, but not being able to.

That’s yours now, Hawk. But mate…” Dad looked me square in the eyes, that same unwavering stare that had me confessing when I’d fucked up and wanting to be a better bloke after I had.

“You can do this. Look at what you’ve withstood so far with bloody Jack. ”

“His mate. Jack is his mate now.”

“With your mate, then. You’ve had to put up with people putting shit on you, looking down on the one you love, and you’ve gotten up each day and shown yourself to be a man. That’s what you’ve got to do, son. Keep getting up.”

“Tempt her with protein,” Mum said, finally letting me go. “She can survive on surprisingly little if she gets enough protein. What sorts of stuff does she like? Beef, chicken, eggs?”

Which is how I ended up here. I’d gotten up before the sun rose and dragged out all the ingredients I’d collected from the mess, feeling a sense of satisfaction from just looking at all of them.

I’d snorted to myself, sipping a cuppa as I looked it over.

I was providing for my mate, and my Tirian chuffed with pleasure at the idea.

I closed my eyes for a second and just let that stupid bloody instinct rush through me.

I fucking loved her so much. It’d been bloody agony watching her go through this, leaving me unsure if I wanted her to do it again.

I shoved that feeling away, I couldn’t bloody go down that route.

I pushed myself away from the kitchen bench, set the mug down, pulled out a knife and chopping board, and started to cook.

I was about halfway through cooking the spread I’d planned when she staggered out.

That was part of the whole big snarling ball of shit that hurt me.

She used to bounce out of bed, bright as a star and fucking chatty.

Drove sleepyhead Jack mad. Seeing her transform into this—a zombie that shuffled across the floor, hands going to her aching hips, her face crushed by exhaustion, it fucking killed me.

For a second, just one bloody second, I resented our baby girl, that in her quest to live and grow she had to take so much from the woman I loved.

My hand tightened around the knife as the tangle of emotion in me pulled that bit tighter, guilt and concern and love, for her, for our baby, all of it tearing me apart.

She didn’t see me. That’s my thing, I guess.

I was a bit of a bloody lurker, hiding in the background, observing my pack.

Because I loved it, watching them when their guard’s down, seeing the sides of them they think they’re hiding when those smiling masks come down.

Which is why I saw it now, that brief flicker of despair on Jules’ face as I put food on her plate.

I stopped for a sec, staring down at it, at all the food I’d worked so hard to make.

At the stuff I tasted and mixed, checking that it tasted good and wasn’t too salty so as to make her ankles swell further, and trying to combine the foods she will still eat in more and more appetising combinations.

You fucked up , a voice in my head tells me.

You think making a big breakfast is gonna fix this shit?

She’s wiped, this kid is gonna kill her.

You thought you had it all sorted out once you got through that portal, but you had no fucking idea. This is just gonna ? —

My Tirian jumped to his feet and let out the loudest fucking snarl, filling my head with the sound of his bloody awful threat, until everything inside me settled. I blinked, seeing the plate in my hand, then deposited it in front of me and swapped my empty one over.

This is what she needs , he said to me, sending me images of a few different dishes and ingredients. She will balk at them, but get her to taste it. Her instincts will take over.

I quickly followed his advice, scooping different stuff on there, as my Tirian gave me indications of how much when relevant. I put it before Jules, ignoring the look on her face and taking her hand. I looked down at it, so small by comparison, and rubbed my thumb across the back of it.

Your mate is strong . She has faced down that which has decimated so many, she can bear your young safely. Just help her on her journey.

Jules looked up at me in surprise, probably due to something she felt down our bond.

I smiled at her, feeling the fucking tears prick at my eyes, things that had seemed to have taken up permanent residence since we got back.

I loved her so fucking much, I would never let anything take her from me, not even death.

“Try some, love,” I said. I could never put what I was feeling into words, my tongue tripping over itself when I tried, so I used the only kind of communication I had. “I spoke to Mum, and she said this makes a lot of pregnant women feel better and gives them energy.”

I saw the moment she gave in, the love I was pouring down our bond buoying her up a bit, enough to get her lifting her fork and taking a bite.

I drank every bloody second of her reaction in, the way her eyes flared wide, her hand and mouth stilling, then felt like my bloody heart would burst when she actually chewed with enthusiasm.

Seeing that fucker Lonan getting taken down, returning with the women and children felt like nothing compared to this.

My Tirian shifted, his head rising with pride as he watched our mate eat, reaching across the table to pull the dish she’d liked towards her and spooning more on her plate.

I just stroked the back of her neck and watched her eat.