Page 22 of The Compass Series

JAX

“ H e was somewhat lucid today,” Amanda said as I stopped by the reception desk to sign in for my visit with my father. “He remembered my name.”

“Did he give you a hard time?” I asked.

“Would he be Cole Kilter if he didn’t?”

Fair.

“He say anything about me?” I grumbled.

“Kind of called you an asshole.”

Also fair.

I wasn’t sure I was up for a visit that evening after a shitty day at work, but I knew I’d kick myself if I didn’t read him a few chapters.

Still, that didn’t change the fact that I was feeling burned out.

I hadn’t been feeling well for a few days.

Truthfully, all the rain had been a buzzkill, my job sucked, and I couldn’t keep Kennedy off my mind.

It was as if me realizing who she was had unleashed a whirlpool of memories I hadn’t figured out how to deal with. I was drowning in memories of her.

A part of me wanted to talk to her. To run into her in town and ask her how she’d been. That part of me was stupid. Almost everything I touched turned to shit, and the thought of reconnecting with Kennedy only to have things go wrong wasn’t a risk I wanted to take.

We had our past. We had our story.

I just wondered why the hell she’d never written me back.

“How are you handling everything?” Amanda asked, snapping me out of my thoughts about a woman who wasn’t her. I felt guilty about it, too. In the past week, I’d thought about Kennedy a million times more than Amanda even though our breakup was pretty recent.

“I’m okay,” I dryly replied. “Have a good night.”

“Jax, wait.” She reached out and grabbed my forearm, and I didn’t want to deal with her tonight. Hell, I didn’t want to deal with anything. “You don’t have to put on a strong act about your father. I know he’s the devil, but it’s okay if you’re hurting. You can talk to me if you need to.”

“Nothing to talk about. I’m fine.”

“You’re lying.”

I swallowed hard and looked down. “Amanda?”

“Yes?”

“Let me go.” I meant both my arm and me.

She dropped it. “Fine. Be stubborn. I don’t know why you live in this world where you think you have to struggle all on your own. Even if you don’t talk to me, I hope you talk to someone.”

“That’s what therapy’s for,” I muttered.

If only I’d been going.

I pulled out the novel from my jacket, hoping Dad wasn’t too lucid when I got to him. How fucked up was that? I prayed to a God I didn’t believe in that my father’s memory was so far gone he wouldn’t remember me.

I walked into his room where he was sitting in a wheelchair, facing the window.

Nightfall had already come, so he couldn’t have been looking at anything too exciting.

I cleared my throat and walked over to him, not sure what I was going to get.

He peered up at me with his blue eyes that matched the sea, and he blinked.

The right side of his body was paralyzed, and his mouth hung limp as he gazed my way.

The blank stare he gave me made it clear he didn’t recognize me.

I cleared my throat. “Hey, Mr. Kilter. I wanted to stop by to see if you’d like me to read you some chapters from this novel.”

He slightly nodded, and I wheeled him around to face me before I sat down in the chair in front of him.

He looked so broken down, and every now and again, I’d have to wipe his face.

It was tough seeing him that way, knowing his outer appearance was nothing compared to what was going on inside his body.

Nobody ever wants to watch their parent’s body shut down as years go by. It felt as if it was life’s curse—watching those who brought you into the world fall apart, a simple reminder that life is much shorter than any of us imagine.

As I read him the chapters, he stared forward. He wasn’t looking at me, exactly, but almost as if he was looking through me. Halfway through my third chapter, I noticed his lips move.

“Go-oo-od,” he mumbled, making me raise an eyebrow. Ironic how he mumbled after years of trying to beat the mumbles out of me. Life was a damn joke that way.

“Good?” I asked.

He nodded, barely moving.

My cold heart tried to beat for the poor man.

Then I noticed a small puddle of liquid forming on the floor beneath him. I rose to my feet, realizing he’d wet his pants. I hurried to get someone to assist him. Two nurses came in to help get him cleaned up and into the bed while I held the book tight in my grip.

After he was put to bed, he fell asleep quickly, and I headed out, walking straight past Amanda, who I could feel was staring my way.

I slid into my truck and tossed the book into the passenger seat. After I turned the key in the ignition, I paused. My hands rested on the steering wheel, gripping the leather until my knuckles turned white. I stayed there for a few moments, taking in all the silence that came crashing into me.

I pulled out my phone and called my brother. The conversation went as expected. “He’s not your responsibility, Jax. You should leave that town and start a new life. You aren’t to blame for Mom’s death.” Wash, rinse, repeat.

As I drove home, I thought about my father, about the man he used to be, the man he’d become. They seemed like two completely different creatures. One terrified me; the other I pitied. No man should be placed in the position where he soils himself and can’t do a damn thing about it.

My heart didn’t reserve pity for the man my father used to be. Fuck that man and the way he’d harmed me both physically and emotionally. Fuck the years in therapy that hardly led to healing. Fuck his hands that had punched me, bruised me, belittled me.

Fuck who my father used to be.

Also fuck who he was that evening.

Fuck the man who made my cold heart try to break. My heart couldn’t break any more because it’d been shattered too much throughout the years.

When I arrived home, I went out to the woods to clear my head. There were too many thoughts going through my mind to go straight to bed. I was tired, but I knew there was no way I’d be able to sleep.

As I approached my normal spot, I paused, seeing a woman sitting there against my bench. The closer I grew, the realization set in on who it was exactly.

“What are you doing here?” I barked, tilting my head in disbelief.

Kennedy looked up and gave me a halfway smile. She had a notebook in her hand that she was scribbling away at before I called out to her.

“Hi,” she breathed out. “I um, I just needed some air.”

“There’s air other places.”

“Yes, but this is the most beautiful place I’ve found yet.”

“You’re trespassing again,” I grumbled, annoyed by her need to break the rules. Secretly kind of relieved to see her. Truthfully I didn’t know what I was feeling. After the crappy visit with my father, my emotions were twisted upside down.

“I think we both are going to have to come to grips with the fact that I’m the girl who trespasses.”

I grimaced and raked my hand through my hair. How had I wanted her here and wanted her gone all at the same time?

She scooted over on the bench and patted the spot beside her. “You can join me.”

“I don’t want to talk,” I snapped.

“Of course. You’ve never been much for talking.”

“I don’t want you to talk, either,” I urged.

She frowned. “Well, we both know I have a way of being chatty, but I can be quiet tonight.”

I should’ve told her to leave, and walked into my home for the night. I should’ve told her to not come back. I should’ve told her I never wanted to see her again, because my life was fine without her.

Instead, I sat, because even misery needed company sometimes.

We stayed quiet for a long time. Kennedy kept scribbling away in her notebook, and every now and again, I’d sneak peeks at what she was writing. It was a to do list. Things to see and do in Havenbarrow.

·Meet Marshmallow the cat.

·Black and white movie nights.

·Hidden library.

·Connect with an old friend.

·Tell Jax that it’s okay that he’s reading my list.

·Ask Jax if he’s okay.

·Tell Jax to stop flaring his nostrils because he’s realizing I’m writing messages to him.

I groaned, taking my eyes from her notebook. “You’re weird.”

“I think that was one of your favorite qualities about me.”

I stayed quiet.

She kept pushing. “Are you okay?” she asked.

“What happened to no talking?”

“You know I struggle with that.”

I shook my head. “I don’t know much about you anymore. We were kids back then. A lot has changed.”

“Like what?” she questioned.

I looked into her honey-colored eyes and for a moment I didn’t want to turn away. I wanted to hug her, too. I wanted to tell her everything that unfolded over the years. I wanted to let her in on the heaviness of my heartaches. I wanted a friend.

I needed a friend, but I didn’t deserve one.

“It doesn’t matter what’s changed,” I said. “All that matters is that change has happened.”

“Are you okay, Jax?” she asked again, this time her voice coated with the sincerest care and kindness I’d heard in some time.

“It’s none of your concern.”

“I want it to be, though.” She placed a hand against my arm, and a shot of lightning struck my soul. Her simple touch sent an electric current though my whole system, straight to my heart to try to bring it back to life.

“If you need to talk, Jax,” she offered again, and I let her hand linger for a moment because the warmth felt healing.

Why didn’t Amanda’s touch do that to me?

I pulled my arm away from Kennedy as the cold returned to me. I clasped my hands together and lowered my head as my knuckles turn white. More moments of unspoken words. Then, the mumbles slowly released from my lips.

“My father is dying,” I confessed.

“Yes. Joy mentioned that. I’m so sorry, Jax.”

“He’s an asshole. Or at least he was before all of this.”

“And now?”

“Now, he’s just there and he has nothing.”

“He has you.”

“I’ve never been enough for him before, so I doubt I’d be enough now.”

What was I doing? Why was I talking about this? Before she could reach out to send another current through my system, I stood. My brows knotted, I stuffed my hands into my jeans pockets, and I began mentally retreating back to my lonely self.

“You need to stay off my property,” I told her. “If you don’t, I will get law enforcements involved.”

She stood, too. “Moon, I?—”

“Don’t call me Moon,” I snapped. “Leave, Kennedy.”

Her shoulders dropped and I tried to not look her way. I couldn’t look at her, because if I did I would’ve begged her not to go.

“I’m sorry. I figured you could’ve used a friend,” she said.

“I don’t need a friend,” I replied as a faint whisper left me. “I don’t need anyone. Remember? Town asshole here. Not interested in making friendship bracelets with you.”