Page 155 of The Compass Series

STELLA

W e drove home in silence. Both of us were uncertain what to even say to one another. I felt as if I owed Damian an apology, yet I wasn’t sure how to phrase it.

Hey, sorry I’m an awful human and got you excited about the idea of a child after you struggled your whole life searching for a family, just to have that dream that made you so happy ripped away right in your face, ha-ha. My bad. Do you want to go get frozen yogurt?

Yeah, no. I felt like the worst person alive.

When we pulled up to the house, Damian climbed out of the car quickly, walked over to my side, and helped me out. Still, no words from him. I saw the sadness dripping out of his eyes, but he still pushed out a smile. I never knew smiles could mirror frowns so deeply.

“Thank you,” I softly spoke.

He nodded as his response, unable to find words.

We headed inside, and he muttered something about going to get some work done. I didn’t push him because I knew his mind had to be running on speed. I spent some time in my bedroom, staring down at my cell phone, uncertain of what I should tell Jeff. I mean, I had to tell him, right? Of course.

The thought of speaking to him was enough to make me feel nauseous.

I couldn’t even deal with that idea without first trying to repair things with Damian.

After a little too much swirling of my stomach, I went to the kitchen to prepare some decaf peppermint tea.

When I reached the countertop, I looked out at the ocean and saw something I hadn’t seen since I moved back into my childhood house.

Damian was out there, shirtless with his pants rolled up, standing in the ocean.

His built physique was relaxed, and I couldn’t help but wonder what he was doing out there. I set my mug down and began walking out toward the water. When I reached the waves, I called out to him.

“Damian? Are you okay?”

He turned to see me, and the emotions bled out from his soul. He didn’t say a word.

I crossed my arms, feeling a bit chilled as concern hit me. “What’s wrong? It’s cold out here. What are you doing?”

He frowned and pulled out something from his pockets. White flowers. “I was talking to the ocean. I was going to give it some offerings and ask that they keep you safe.”

I raised an eyebrow. “You speak to the ocean?”

“Only for you.” Walking over to me, he took my hands in his and stared down at our interlocked fingers. “I know today is hard, but I wasn’t kidding when I said it before. Whatever happens, whatever the outcome, I’m all in,” he repeated, making me fall so much more for him.

“Even if it’s Jeff’s?” I asked with a tremble in my voice. Saying those words stung my soul.

“Even if.”

“Damian?”

“Yes?”

“I’m in love with you.”

“Do you want to know a secret?”

“Yes.”

His eyes softened more than I’d ever seen them do. There was a gentleness in his stare as he kissed the palm of my hand. “I think I’ve been in love with you before I even knew what love was.”

No part of me wanted to see Jeff. When I reached out to him, he was cold toward me but agreed to allow me to stop by his new apartment. The place was in a sketchy neighborhood, and a pool of guilt settled into my stomach as I walked inside.

“Welcome to paradise,” Jeff joked, gesturing around his studio apartment.

It was a mess. There were liquor bottles and beer cans scattered across the small kitchen counter.

Old pizza boxes were piled on the coffee table, and the bed was unmade.

There was a stack of scratched-off lottery tickets that I was almost certain were all duds.

“Are you okay, Jeff?” I asked. I wished I didn’t care, but I couldn’t help it. He appeared drunk, but at least he wasn’t slurring his words.

“What do you want, Stella?” he grumbled, flopping down onto his tiny loveseat. I sat on the chair across from him, hugging my bag.

“I, well, I have news.”

“Out with it.”

I took a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.”

He raised an eyebrow. “With me or that asshole?”

“It’s yours.”

“How can you be sure? You were, after all, sleeping with us both at the same time.”

“What? No, I wasn’t.”

“Please, Stella. I’m not an idiot.” He stood from his seat and moved to the fridge to pull out a beer. “It was clear as day that you two were screwing from the jump.”

“Stop it, Jeff. That’s not true at all. You were the unfaithful one, not me.”

“So, how long did it take you to mourn our relationship? Did you screw him that same night? Maybe a week later? Two? Wait. Are you going to sit here and pretend that you aren’t sleeping with him?”

My lips parted, but no words came out.

Jeff cracked open his beer. “Exactly.” He chugged it.

I stood from the chair. “Listen, I just wanted to notify you of the pregnancy. I don’t know if you want any involvement in this, but there it is. We can talk in the future about how you’d like to be involved if you want to be at all.”

He rolled his eyes. “Here comes passive-aggressive Stella to the stage, folks.”

He felt so bitter, so cold. I stared at him, wondering how I ever thought he was the road to my happily ever after.

“I’m not going to do this right now, Jeff.”

“Then leave.”

“I will.” I pulled my purse strap up my arm and headed for the front door. As I opened it, I felt chills race down my spine as he spoke.

“You could always do what you did when we were fifteen, you know. Seemed easy enough for you back then.”

Those words stung a part of my soul, but he knew when he said them that they would. “When did you become so cruel, Jeff?”

“I’ve always been me, Stella,” he replied. “You chose to ignore it. And if you think for a second a man like Damian will stay faithful to a woman like you, you really are na?ve. People don’t stay in love with people like you. They always leave. You’re nothing more than a paycheck for people.”

Just like that, I could feel the dam within me beginning to crack.