Page 163 of The Compass Series

STELLA - PRESENT DAY

M y mind was overtaking me. I thought my anxiety would go away after finding out Grams would be okay, and the panic attacks would disappear, but they didn’t. They only increased in intensity as each week passed by.

I had nightmares about losing the baby. I’d wake up in pools of sweat, covered in chills.

Some nights, I’d dream about Grams losing her life and me not finding her in time.

Then I’d dream about Damian. Dying. Disappearing.

Leaving. Or even him getting in a car crash like Mama.

He had Kevin’s genetics. What if he was prone to suffering from health issues, too?

My mind…it wouldn’t slow down.

Everyone left at the end of the day.

No matter how much a person wanted them to stay.

Mama was gone. Kevin was gone. I was breaking, breaking, breaking…

“A break?” Damian asked, stunned as he stood in front of me. “What do you mean?”

“Well, we just completed the six months of the will. Everything has happened so fast within those six months, and honestly, I don’t think we’ve had a chance to catch up with the craze of it all.”

His brows knitted as he lowered his stare to the floor of the bedroom, and then he looked up at me. “So, you want a break from me? From us?”

I hated this. I hated how I was hurting him, but I didn’t know what else to do. I was so consumed by the idea of loss that I feared holding on.

“I mean, the marriage wasn’t really real to begin with, you know?

We were forced into proximity with one another.

Plus, you never really had a chance to live the life you wanted over the past six months.

You deserve more than me. Besides, I can’t truly expect you to be okay raising another man’s child. ”

“You can expect that because I will, and I will love them as my own.”

He said it so confidently that I almost backed out from saying what I felt needed to be said.

I wanted him. I wanted him so much that my heart ached thinking about the idea of him leaving, but I’d rather let go now than someday in the future when the love was so deep that the idea of losing him would make me lose myself.

Like how when Kevin lost my mother.

I wasn’t certain I’d ever recover from that kind of break.

“I’m…” I took a breath and looked away from him. I could not stare at those ocean eyes as I let go. “I’m sorry I can’t do this right now, Damian. Not with everything going on. I feel as if I just need to focus on myself and keep the baby and me healthy. I can’t focus anywhere else at this time.”

He stepped backward, and I saw it. The walls crumbling around him.

He cleared his throat and nodded. “You’re scared.

I get it. I promised myself I’d never beg someone to keep me after being misplaced so many times, but that’s what’s happening here.

You’re letting me go because you’re scared that something will happen down the line.

I thought I feared being left behind, but I can tell that fear is much deeper within you. ”

“Damian…”

“It’s okay, Stella,” he swore, stepping closer to me. He took his hands into mine and kissed my palms gently. “If you need me to go, I will go. But just know that I am not truly going anywhere. I’ll be right there around the corner when you’re ready to let me back in, okay?”

“Damian—”

“I’m not afraid of waiting, Stella. I have waited my whole life to find a home, and I found it within you. You taught me to feel again after so many years of feeling nothing.” He lay his lips against my forehead and whispered, “Stella?”

“Yes?”

“Stay with me.”

I didn’t know how to do it, though. I didn’t know how to stay and not fear the idea of losing him somewhere down the line.

He spoke before I could, almost as if he could read my mind.

His forehead lay against mine. “I don’t mean physically.

You need your space, and if that makes it easier for you to get through each day and protect the baby, that’s fine.

We’ll find a nurse to look after you and make sure you are all right.

But I need you to stay here with me,” he said, placing his hand against my chest. “Stay with me with your heart. Stay with me with your love, and it will be enough to bring us back together when the time is right. When you’re ready. ”

“I can’t ask you to wait for me, Damian…it’s not fair.”

He let out a small laugh and shook his head. “I’ve waited my whole life for this feeling. What’s a little bit longer?”

“I love you,” I breathed out.

“I know. I love you, too. Remember what I said about love? You don’t need to be with a person to have the deepest level of love, and that’s what this is.

This is love without limits. So I’ll wait for you.

This is temporary, Stella. At the end of this, we’ll be together.

At the end of this, we get the happily ever after. ”

Two weeks had passed since Damian and I fell into our break. I missed him more than words, but I wasn’t certain what to do about my fears. Grams stayed by my side the whole time, worrying about my soul, my spirit.

“I didn’t see it before,” she murmured one night after she came to check to make sure I was okay.

“All this time, I thought you were the one who stayed. I never noticed that you were the one who was truly afraid of being left behind. I’m sorry I missed that, Stella.

I’m sorry I missed how fatigued your heart had been throughout the years.

Not only with your mother and Kevin, but every time one of the women left Kevin’s life, they were walking out on you, too.

And the miscarriages… I’m sorry so many people left you, Stella.

But please… know that Damian isn’t them.

He’s one who stays. Take your time, sweetheart.

Feel your feels. The sun will still come out in the morning. ”