Page 103 of The Compass Series

CONNOR

I left New York and flew down to Kentucky with my tail between my legs.

I knew I’d made a huge mistake ending things with Aaliyah, but I couldn’t figure out how to make it right.

Also, the idea of losing her was still so heavy on my chest. I couldn’t stop researching heart failure ever since I’d found out.

I’d been looking for treatments, calling specialists, falling apart and hating the universe for bringing Aaliyah back into my life only to take her away from me again.

This shit wasn’t fair.

As my plane landed in Kentucky, I was greeted at the baggage claim when Mom rushed over to my side.

Within seconds, her arms were wrapped around me, squeezing me so tight.

I got choked up just from the comfort of her embrace.

You’d never knew how much you needed your mother’s hug until you were on the verge of a breakdown.

“Oh, sweetie! I’m so happy to see you!” She looked around the area with wide eyes filled with hope.

My chest just about caved in when I realized she was searching for Aaliyah. “She’s not here, Mom.”

“What? But I thought you were bringing her into town to show her?—”

“She’s dying,” I spat out. I couldn’t hold it in anymore as I choked on my words. Tears began falling down my cheeks as I whispered. “She’s dying, Mom.”

We got back home, and I fell into a deeper depression, just thinking about Aaliyah. I hated myself for being such a little shit. I hated myself for being afraid of losing her. I hated myself for abandoning her.

“Heart failure? But she’s so young,” Mom said as she made a pot of coffee. “That’s so heartbreaking.”

“Yeah,” I said. It was all I could manage.

Before she could say anything else, the front door opened, and a man walked into my mom’s house as if he owned the place.

“Honey, I’m homeeee!” he said in a singsong voice.

He came marching into the house, and the moment he saw me, he clapped his hands together.

“Oh, my goodness! Connor! Put it there!” he said, grabbing my hand and shaking it aggressively.

It must’ve been that Danny guy Mom had been going on and on about. Great.

Clearly, he couldn’t read the energy of the room because he was smiling and giddy as ever.

He was dressed in a Hawaiian shirt with pink and yellow flowers all over it, neon green pants, and a tie-dye hat on his head.

The dude was well into his sixties, dressing as if he were a toddler who got to dress themselves for the day.

Really, Mom? Him?

“Yeah, good to meet you, too, Dan.”

“It’s Danny,” he said. “So, where’s this special lady that I heard you were bringing home today?” he asked.

I knew he didn’t mean for it, but that question was a sucker punch to my soul.

Mom walked over and wrapped her arms around Danny’s waist. “I wish this was better news, but it turns out Aaliyah has some serious health issues. She wasn’t able to make it.”

“Is she going to be okay?” Danny asked.

“No. She’s not. She’s fucking dying and I can’t save her. I broke up with her because I can’t sit there and watch her die.”

Mom’s face dropped. “You broke up with her? You two were dating?”

“Yeah, we were, and yeah, I did. She’s moving out of my place as we speak. It’s over.”

“No…Connor. You can’t do that…I mean…I know this is a lot, but you can’t abandon her…I know you’re scared but?—”

“I’m not scared, Mom. I’m fucking terrified. I’m terrified. But I can’t do it again. I can’t sit there and watch someone I care for lose the battle of their life. I can’t go through that. I did it twice with you, watching you fight, and I can’t do it again.”

Mom’s eyes watered over, and she covered her mouth with her hand, choking up.

I didn’t want to make her cry, but I was being honest. I couldn’t suffer through that trauma again.

I couldn’t spend late nights sitting up wondering if Aaliyah was still breathing.

I couldn’t sit on the edge at all times, wondering if today was the day I was forced to say goodbye. I couldn’t watch her die.

Danny stepped forward and gave Mom a half-smile. He was much more somber than before, his energetic personality taming. “Can I talk to him alone for a minute, sweetheart?”

Mom nodded, and left the room, leaving me uneasy with the idea of interacting with Danny. I didn’t even know this guy.

He sat down at the table with me and released a weighted sigh. “Life is shitty sometimes, eh?”

“No offense, Dan, but I?—”

“Danny.”

“Right. Danny. No offense, but I don’t want to talk about this. Especially with someone who is pretty much a stranger to me.”

“I get it, but I understand where you’re coming from.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Yeah, I do, Connor. Probably more than you’d believe.”

“No. You have no clue what it’s like to go through what I’ve been through.

You have no clue how hard it is to watch someone you love battle cancer two times.

You have no clue what that can do to your head.

Then when you get past that trauma, you have no clue what it’s like to fall for someone who will bring up those same fears. You don’t fucking know.”

He brushed his thumb against the bridge of his nose and sat back in his chair.

He stared forward as if he were looking past me, and he pushed out a forced grin that didn’t have a drop of happiness in it.

“You might not think I know what it’s like, but I do, young man.

I was married before I met your mother. Her name was Jules, and she was phenomenal.

I was by her side through her first cancer scare and through her second that took her life. ”

Danny’s brows knitted together as he lowered his hands to his lap and fiddled with his fingers.

My heart sat heavily in my throat as he revealed his truths to me, and I felt like a complete jackass because I didn’t have a clue what he’d been through.

“No one suffers more than the victims of that ugly disease, of any disease, truly. No one knows what the pain those individuals went through was like. But I remembered I’d prayed to God that he’d shift it. Shift her pain to my body. Give me her hurts so I could feel them for her.”

I remained quiet but invested.

I prayed that prayer one too many times, too.

“But the people who hurt the most after the ones with the diagnosis? Their loved ones. I never showed her my sorrow because I didn’t want her to have any more of a burden to bear.

I knew her sadness and fear was tenfold more than my own.

She was already suffering more than words.

What kind of asshole would I have been if I told her that I was hurting, too?

Instead, I cried in my car. Before work.

After work. During my lunch break. Whenever I had a chance to fall apart, I’d fall.

I’d fall apart because the woman I loved, the woman I cherished with all of my heart was slipping away from me and I had no control over it. ”

He took a deep breath and clasped his hands together.

“Please believe me when I say, I know the fears you have with Aaliyah. When I met your mother and found out about her past run-ins with cancer, I hesitated just like you. I thought what if it comes back? What if she leaves me sooner than I’d hope?

What if I have to go back to that part in my life of falling apart in my car again?

The what-ifs are the worst part of it all because there’s no way to truly ever know. ”

“How did you get past it?”

“With her smile, with her heart,” he said effortlessly as if loving my mother was the easiest thing to do.

“You don’t meet a woman like your mother and skip the chance of happiness because of the fear of loss.

No, you dig your feet in deeper. You hold on to her tighter because you know her love will be worth it, time and time again.

I realized that I couldn’t live my life, waiting for the unknown, but I had to take the leap.

Besides,” he breathed out a cloud of hot air and smiled.

“What kind of lucky bastard like me gets to fall in love with two extraordinary women in his lifetime? If life needed a reason for existence, love is the solution.”

Damn.

I really wanted to hate that guy.

“I already messed things up with Aaliyah,” I said, feeling gloom and doom about the whole situation.

Fuck, I missed her. I missed her so much that I didn’t even know how to cope.

I didn’t know my heart could do that—I didn’t know it could keep shattering into a million pieces each day that passed.

It was my own fault for pushing her away, too. Due to my struggles. My fears. My past.

“Do you love her?” Danny asked.

“Yes, I love her.” That was the first time I’d admitted it. It was the first time I’d allowed those words to leave my mouth even though they’d been sitting heavily in my chest for weeks.

“Does that scare you?”

“Terrifies me.”

“Good.” He nodded. “Sometimes you have to be afraid of the things you love in order to make sure you don’t ever lose them again.”

“She’s already gone. I can’t even blame her because I’m the asshole who pushed her away when she was struggling the most.”

“Do you think she loves you, too?”

I nodded slowly. “I believe so. I hope so.”

“Then it’s not over. When two people love each other, you work through the pitfalls.

You fight for one another. You don’t give up.

Now, just figure out a way to prove to her that no matter what, no matter when times get hard, that you will not run anymore.

From the sound of it, this poor girl has been abandoned in her life. Prove to her that you’re here to stay.”

The next morning, I woke up feeling even more exhausted than the night before. Perhaps drinking half a bottle of whiskey with my newfound friend Danny-boy wasn’t the greatest idea, but at least I wasn’t drinking alone.

“Connor! You have a visitor!” Mom hollered through the house, making me groan.

My head was pounding as I pulled myself out of bed and headed to the living room. A small, broken smile hit me as I looked up to see a familiar face.

“Hey, kid,” Jax said, frowning. He slid his hands into his oil-stained jeans. “Heard you were in town.”

“My mom called you?”

“Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “She said you were going through some major shit.”

“Yeah.”

“As you know, I’m not really good with dealing with emotions and stuff…so how about instead, we go old school, and you join me on a plumbing job this morning?”

“Like the good ole days?”

“Yup. Come on. I made you a protein shake.”

I grimaced. “Can we just grab some donuts?”

“Never. Go get dressed fast, will you? You’re late.”

I hurried off and went to get ready. About fifteen minutes later, I was hopping into Jax’s passenger seat, and I instantly was transported back to when I was seventeen-years-old, having my daily drives with him.

Sometimes I wished I could go back to that time just so I wouldn’t have to feel the way I felt today.

“How’s Kennedy and Elizabeth doing?” I asked about his wife and daughter.

“Good, good. Elizabeth’s into gymnastics nowadays, and let me tell you, that’s not a cheap fucking hobby.

But I can’t say no to the girl, even if she’s a demon child as a preteen.

Kennedy’s pregnant again. We just found out last week.

I’m not supposed to tell anyone yet, but you’re not anyone, you’re you. ”

“Me, your bestest friend in the whole world.”

He rolled his eyes. I smirked.

Some things never changed.

We showed up at Old Man Mike’s house, which was fucking disgusting.

Mike was a hoarder with at least thirteen cats running around his house.

Everyone in town knew that the idea of going into Mike’s house was hell.

Whenever he made pies for the town’s festivals, people smiled in his face as they took a slice, then tossed it into the trash.

We were working on Mike’s toilet, which looked as if it’s been backed up for years. The color of the water, along with the smell, almost made me gag.

“I don’t miss this job,” I confessed, holding my shirt over my nose. Jax seemed unmoved by it.

“Mostly, I focus on the landscaping business, but every now and then, I pick up a plumbing job. Keeps me connected to my roots,” he explained.

“You see, the thing about these pipes that Mike has is they are old, and he allowed them to build up junk for too long. He didn’t face the damage right away and just looked away from it.

Never really acknowledging the shit that’s been building for years up until one day, it began to overflow. ”

He grumbled as he worked the snake down the drain, fishing it around as he kept talking.

“But it’s never too late to start clearing out the shit that’s been sitting there for so long.

The shit he overlooked, the shit he tried to pretend didn’t exist”—he hit a mark with the snake, and the toilet automatically flushed, signaling his breakthrough—“can all be fixed with time, forgiveness, and care.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Are you trying to use a poop analogy on me, Jax?”

“I’m a small-town man. I don’t know what an analogy even is,” he joked.

“No. You’re saying my soul is full of shit, and I need to deal with my emotional trauma from my mom, so I can flush this stuff out and be there for Aaliyah.”

He grabbed a rag and began wiping his hands clean. “Is that what you heard from what I said?”

“Yeah. You said I was full of shit.”

“That’s because you are full of shit.” He shrugged. “Kennedy’s my best friend. If I found out we only had today left, I’d do everything in my power to spend every last second with her. So do it, Con. Clear out your shit.”

“Do all middle-aged men in this town just have powerful words of wisdom up their sleeves?”

He stood up and patted me on the back. “Call me middle-aged again, and I’ll knock your teeth out.”

“Whatever you say, old man.” I paused for a moment. “Are you currently touching me with your shit hand?”

“Yeah, I am.”

“And this is exactly why I don’t miss this job, but I do miss you.”

“Don’t be corny, kid.”

“I love you, too, Jax.”

Just then, my phone dinged with a message from Damian. I opened it and felt as if my chest was seconds away from collapsing.

“What is it?” Jax asked, noticing the look of panic on my face.

“It’s Aaliyah. I have to get back to New York.”