Page 104 of The Compass Series

AALIYAH

E xhaustion wasn’t a strong enough word for what I’d been feeling as of late.

Each morning, I felt worse than the previous day.

All I wanted to do was stay in bed and fall into a deep slumber, but I still had a job to do.

I was trying my best to hold on to any kind of normality even though it was seeming more and more impossible each day.

I’d turned my article on Connor in to Maiv for approval right when he showed up to my office. Greta texted me straight away when he’d entered the building. When he reached my office, I felt as if I would pass out simply from my nerves.

“Hi,” he breathed out, days after he’d gone off to Kentucky. I figured that was the end of our story. It had to be the end of our story. I couldn’t allow myself to give him any more of me. It wasn’t healthy for us. It wasn’t right.

“You shouldn’t be here,” I said, trying to hide any true emotions. I couldn’t let him see how his proximity made me want to step in closer. I couldn’t show him how much I missed him, how much I wanted him back with me. How I still craved every single thing about him.

“I hurt you.” He sighed. “I’m sorry, Aaliyah. I panicked and pulled away.”

“I’m over it.”

His brows lowered as he stared at me. My coldness toward him probably threw him off, but I couldn’t help it. I had to be cold so I could be strong.

“Give me another chance, Red. Please.”

I wanted to cry, but I didn’t. “You’re too late.”

“I love you,” he breathed out, his voice cracking and pained.

I looked at him, and I was certain my eyes were flashed with emotions. Then I parted my mouth and whispered the words, “I loved you, too.”

“Loved?”

“Yes. Loved.”

Past tense. It was a lie, but one I had to tell him.

“Aaliyah—”

“Please leave,” I stated sternly.

“But I…I hurt you,” he whispered again, his voice pained with the realization of what had taken place.

I nodded. “Yes.”

“Let me try again.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because the first time it was you hurting me. If I let you come back, the second time would be me hurting myself.”

“Aaliyah—”

“I don’t have time for this, Connor. I don’t have time to waste anymore. I can’t do this back and forth thing with you.”

He slightly gave a nod, before parting his mouth to speak. I couldn’t let him do that, though. I couldn’t allow him to give me another word because his sounds made my heart skip beats. His sounds made me want to fall into him and forgive him. His sounds made me weak.

I couldn’t be weak anymore.

Still, his voice…

The way it spoke to me…

Just a little bit more of him…I just wanted a little more…time.

“I know you’re upset with me, and I know I’m a fucking idiot, but I need to tell you something, Aaliyah, something really important,” he urged.

“Can you leave?” I asked, not wanting him to go but needing him to leave.

“I will, but I need you to know that?—”

“Connor, I mean it, can you?—”

“She’s your mother,” he blurted out, making me still my body completely.

“I’m sorry what?” He took a step in my direction, and I took a step backward. I held up a hand. “Stop, what do you mean? Who’s my mother?”

“Marie. She’s your mother. I, uh…” He cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck.

“I had Damian do some digging into her after she showed up to my office acting like a nutcase. She was going on and on about how she didn’t go through all of this only to have you end up with someone other than Jason.

Honestly, it was erratic, and crazed, and made no sense until Damian brought me proof. ”

“Proof,” I huffed, shaking my head in disbelief. Why was he doing this? Why was he saying those words? There was no way that Marie was my mother. I would know if she was my mother. I would know if I was her daughter.

There’s no possible way…

I felt lightheaded as my mind began spinning, trying to recall every situation I’d been in with Marie. I met her at my barista job, and she was always so kind to me. She introduced me to Jason and she told me she always wanted a daughter like me. She cried every time I called her a good mother.

No.

There was no way that could be true.

“I need you to leave,” I pushed out, feeling as if I was on the edge of having a mental breakdown. This was all too much for me to deal with. I was already swimming in a pool of issues, and I didn’t have the mental strength to add something this massive to the pile.

“Aaliyah—”

“Please,” I begged, closing my eyes to try to still my dizzy spell. When I reopened them, his blues were pinned on me. “Please leave, Connor.”

He swallowed hard and nodded slowly. “I’m sorry, Aaliyah.

For everything. I know this is a lot, but I figured you should know.

I love you, Aaliyah. I always will, and I hope you truly know that.

” His eyes locked with mine for a brief second before he slid his hands into the pockets of his slacks and whispered, “I’m never giving up on you.

On us. I’m going to keep showing up for you.

I love you, Aaliyah, and I’m not going to give this, give us, up. ” He turned around and walked away.

If it weren’t for my brain, my heart would’ve begged him to stay. I didn’t let him walk away because I hated him. I let him go because I loved him. I knew he was sorry, and I knew if I allowed it, he’d stay. But I didn’t want that for him. I didn’t want him to suffer as my life came to an end.

I knew his past traumas and I couldn’t put him through more. Therefore, I lied to him in order to allow him to let me go. As he walked away, he hadn’t even known that he took a piece of me along with him.

I melted into my chair and tried to push down my emotions.

My mind went right back to Marie. Breaths became harder and harder to breathe as she filled my head.

Before I could process everything that had taken place, Maiv was standing in my doorway with a stern look on her face.

Which wasn’t surprising, a stern look was Maiv’s default.

“Aaliyah. I read the article,” she said with lowered brows.

“Oh? If there’s anything you need me to change?—”

“Congratulations on the promotion. You’re going to make a great senior editor.”

My heart didn’t know what to do with itself.

It was broken from losing Connor, but proud for myself.

I knew I wrote the hell out of that article because I wrote it straight from my heart, broken pieces and all.

I bled those words onto the page, highlighting Connor in the only way I knew how—the brightest of lights.

It was easy to write about someone as special as him.

“I’m thinking we’ll title it ‘The Modern Day Gent.’ This is one of the best reads this magazine has ever had. You should be proud of your hard work. I expect nothing less than this moving forward.”

“You have my word,” I told her. She left my office as I sat and thought about the title. “The Modern Day Gent” was fitting. It described Connor Roe perfectly.

After my workday, I hopped right into a taxi and headed to Marie and Walter’s home. I knew for a fact that I wouldn’t be able to do anything else until I looked into her eyes and asked her the question that had been sitting heavily against my chest.

She wasn’t home when I arrived, so I sat on her front porch, waiting.

Hours passed as day kissed nightfall, and I kept waiting.

When her car pulled up, and she climbed out of the vehicle, she seemed stunned to see me sitting there.

She hurried over to me with a look of alarm.

“Aaliyah, sweetheart, are you okay?” she asked, probably noticing the paleness to my skin and the heaviness that sat in my eyes.

I stood up from the steps and looked her straight in the eyes as my whole body began to tremble. “Are you my mother?”

The moment’s hesitation and guilt that flooded her stare told me more than any words she’d deliver ever could’ve.

Oh, my goodness, I was going to be sick.

“You can’t be serious!” I cried out, my voice cracking as I placed my hands on top of my head. My heart pounded at an unbelievable speed against my chest as I sat on the verge of a panic attack.

Tears hit Marie’s eyes as she took a few steps toward me. “Sweetheart?—”

“Don’t,” I cut in, holding a hand toward her. “Do not call me sweetheart.”

“I don’t know how you found out, but…” She swallowed hard as her hands trembled.

She placed her palms together in prayer formation and held them against her lips.

She shook her head. “You weren’t supposed to find out.

I had it worked out so you’d never find out, but we were going to be a family.

You were always going to be a part of my family when you married Jason.

I know it sounds insane and odd, but I knew that there would never be a good way to bring you back into my life without all of the guilt and trauma attached to the fact that I?—”

“Abandoned me. You abandoned me at birth.”

Her tears fell down her cheeks, but I refused to allow mine to do the same. “It’s not that simple.”

“Don’t make it simple. Just tell me the truth.”

“I grew up like you…I was young and alone. When I met Walter, I felt as if I meant something to the world for the first time. Someone wanted little ole me. It was magical at first. Then Walter began to work later. He became obsessed with success, and he did anything—and anyone—to climb up the ladder. When I found out he was having an affair, my whole world crashed, and I felt betrayed. Disgusted with him, with me. So, I figured I should be a better wife. A better woman to him. I tried to get pregnant, and I couldn’t.

He kept cheating, so I went and gave myself to another man.

I figured if he was a cheater, I should be, too. ”

I waited for her to continue. I needed all the pieces to the puzzle I’d been searching for my whole life. No matter how much it burned me.

“I, um, I met a man at a bar. His name was Cole Simms. He was smooth and funnier than any person I’d ever met.

He was a jazz performer and played at Ralph’s in Queens every Saturday night.

I went for weeks to listen to him play. I fell into his bed, and came out pregnant with you.

I told Walter everything. He told me that he’d never take me back unless I’d give the baby up at birth.

He told me he’d leave me with nothing and ruin my life.

I know it sounds insane, but Aaliyah, I had nothing.

I was just a poor girl with nothing to my name, and I didn’t expect to get pregnant.

All I wanted to do was make Walter feel an ounce of what he made me feel. ”

“So, you gave me up to stay with a man who’d been unfaithful to you.”

“It’s so much harder to explain…” she told me, but I knew it was a lie.

“No. It’s not. You gave me up, you left me alone and abandoned, then you adopted a little boy to call your son.”

She lowered her head. “I know how it sounds…”

“It sounds like you’re the devil,” I agreed, feeling short of breath.

I can’t breathe…

“I think it was Walter’s punishment for me.

After I had you and gave you up, he began to speak about how much he actually wanted a child.

A boy. He said if he could have that, he’d start therapy with me.

So we adopted Jason…a five-year-old because Walter didn’t want to deal with diapers and those early years. ”

“You chose Jason over me.”

“You need to understand?—”

“The-there’s no-nothing to under-st-and,” I breathed out, feeling an ache in my chest.

I took a step backward, and Marie moved in my direction.

“Aaliyah, you should sit. You’re really pale,” she ordered.

“What happ-ened to my fa-father?” I pushed out, feeling faint.

Syncope.

Noun.

Definition: The temporary loss of consciousness caused by a fall in blood pressure.

Also known as the medical term for passing out.

I felt it coming as my vision waved in and out.

“Aaliyah, please,” she urged.

“Tell me.”

She grimaced as more tears kept falling from her eyes. “I went back a few years ago when Walter and I hit a tough patch, to see if Cole still played jazz music. I found out he passed away.”

“How?”

She swallowed hard. “He had a heart attack. He had a genetic family trait that was passed down the line, and…” She shook her head toward me and cupped her hand over her mouth.

“I’m so sorry, Aaliyah. I’m so sorry. The moment I found out about his condition, I went on a mission to find you.

I found out where you worked, and I knew after meeting you, I couldn’t go on not having you in my life. ”

So many thoughts crashed into my head. So many feelings, so many emotions, so much pain.

Pain.

I was in pain.

I began to fall backward, catching myself as I hit the step of Marie’s porch. I lowered myself down and placed my hand over my chest as I fought for every breath that came to me.

“Marie?”

“Yes?”

“Call 911.”