Page 21 of The Compass Series

KENNEDY - PRESENT DAY

R ain, rain, go away, please take Kennedy’s anxiety away.

It rained for two more days, and my body was aching from no sleep. When I tried to close my eyes, I’d see flashes of my past within my eyelids. If I did fall asleep, I’d have nightmares.

Nothing was working. I’d tried every sleeping pill known to mankind. I’d done almost every sleep meditation on the internet, saged my house, taken bubble baths, watched The Office ten times over, and still, nothing.

The pounding of the rain on the house was growing more and more intense with each passing day.

I had officially been living on Chinese food takeout and pizza delivery.

Not my proudest truths, but it was where I was in my journey.

On top of the rain, I hadn’t left the house since my panic attack.

Honestly, my body had been going through waves of emotional exhaustion.

When I’d awaken from my nightmares, I’d be stuck alone with my own hellish thoughts.

I hadn’t known minds could grow so overwhelmed that they could focus on a million things all at once, but mine had managed to do it.

Currently, my thoughts consisted of: What am I going to do for a real job?

Will I stay in Havenbarrow or move back to the city?

Where is Penn? Does he really miss me, or is he just lonely?

If he does miss me, why hasn’t he come looking for me?

Because he doesn’t know where you are, Kennedy.

If he really cared, wouldn’t he try to track me down? Wouldn’t he call me instead of just texting?

I also wondered what Jax was up to during the storms. Had he really meant he didn’t want to reconnect?

It was hard for me to believe that. I still had so many questions, like how had he bulked up so much from being the skinny boy he was?

Why had he stopped writing me? And, most importantly, what had happened to his mother?

Every time I spoke to Yoana, the worry in her voice grew stronger. I sometimes wished she wasn’t so good at reading me—even through a cell phone speaker—but my sister knew the heaviness in my soul was so hard to handle some days.

“I’m okay,” I kept promising her. I felt bad for promising lies, but she was halfway around the world—so there was nothing she could do for me to make everything better. My anxiety and sadness needed to be dealt with by me and only me. No one else could save me.

Well, no one except maybe Joy Jones.

As I was stuck in my house, wandering back and forth in my dining room anticipating yet another night of failed sleep, I heard a tapping at my window.

I looked up and saw Joy standing there, throwing something in my direction.

She was reaching out of her fully opened window, tossing things in my direction to get my attention while allowing her arm to get extremely soaked.

Uncertain what she was doing, I went and opened my window.

“Hi,” I said hesitantly, raising an eyebrow.

“Are you okay?” I knew she was in her late eighties, and if there was something to be alarmed about, I wanted to help her the best I could.

I knew I wasn’t the most stable person, but if I could somehow build up enough courage to help another, I was all over that idea.

“Hi, sweetheart, yes. I just wanted to see if you’d like to come over for a cup of tea,” she sweetly replied.

“Um, it’s past ten at night, Joy.”

Her smile spread, and she nodded once. “So wine?”

I laughed and agreed. What else was I going to do? Sit and overthink everything for the remainder of the night? I tossed on a raincoat and boots. When I opened my front door and saw the downfall of rain along with the lightning striking above, my chest tightened with nerves.

Just walk, Kennedy. It’s right next door.

But I can’t move.

The more the sky cried, the more tightness gathered in my chest as the sense of panic began building. I should’ve been better at this. I should’ve been able to walk forward without concern. But flashes of the night from the accident swirled in my mind, and I hadn’t been able to push them away.

I can’t do it , I thought to myself, closing my eyes from embarrassment, from shame.

“Yes, you can,” a voice called out. I turned to my left to see Joy smiling my way with the most sincere look. “Come on now, you’re not alone. Just a few steps, and your glass of wine awaits.”

“I… My…” I shut my eyes and inhaled deeply. My hands were beginning to tremble as the fear began filling me up inside.

“It’s okay to be afraid, sweetheart,” Joy commented. “You can be afraid and brave all at the same time. Now, come on. The wine is chilled, and the company is good. Even if you have to hold your breath and dash over here, do it. Then we can breathe together.”

I did as she said. I held my breath and dashed across the yard, wrapping around the sidewalk and sprinting up her footpath. The moment I made it up to her front porch, I ran into her house without being invited in, like a crazed lunatic.

I shivered in her foyer, shaking off the rain, and Joy followed me inside, handing me a towel she already had waiting. “There we are.” She smiled. “That wasn’t so bad.”

If only she knew the speed of my pounding heart. It had been a lot harder than it seemed.

“White or red?” she asked.

“Um, white if you have it.”

“Oh, honey, I have everything. Now, come on, sit down on the sofa and make yourself comfortable. I made a little charcuterie board for us to snack on while we chat. It’s right there on the table if you want to pick at it.”

“Thanks, Joy.”

I took a seat on her sofa and tried to tame my still-elevated heart rate.

Her house was very much a home in that everything felt authentic and important.

The walls were covered with mismatched frames displaying black and white pictures that highlighted all the beautiful moments in her life.

Plus, all of her furniture was vibrant, and there was no shortage of light because different lamps both short and tall were scattered around.

There was a wall of art pieces that were spotlighted and so beautiful. There were paintings and sculptures that radiated such warmth. It was as if I were in a museum looking at masterpieces. Simply breathtaking.

When Joy came back, she had the biggest wine glasses I’d ever seen in my life, and within a split second, she was officially my new best friend. Each glass had to hold at least half a bottle of wine on its own.

I smiled, pleased. “That’s a very impressive glass.”

She handed it over to me. “Some nights call for bigger glasses.”

Hear, hear.

“How did you know I needed a break for wine?” I joked, sipping at probably the best glass of white wine I’d ever had in my life.

“I’ve noticed you pacing back and forth the past few nights. Not that I was spying or anything, but my reading nook is right across from your dining room. I figured you couldn’t sleep during storms.”

“They shake me up a little,” I confessed, seeing no reason to lie about it. “So, thank you. I really appreciate the company. I have to admit, I was going a little stir crazy and on the verge losing my mind.”

“Hmm.” She nodded in understanding. “It’s like that sometimes. Storms can feel like they last forever, but from my experience, I’ve learned that no matter what, they always pass.”

That was a nice thought that I’d have to remember.

“You know what’s nice to know?” she asked.

“What’s that?”

“Even behind the rain clouds, the sun is always there.”

“That is a nice thought,” I said. “It’s just sometimes hard to remember.”

She patted my knee. “Trust me, I know. I’m almost ninety, and sometimes I forget, too. Then again, I guess that’s why there’s wine.” She shifted around on the cushion. “So, Jax seems to be drawn to you.”

I puffed out a laugh. “Drawn to me? Not in the least. He actually made it clear that we should keep our distance from each other.”

“Oh, sweetheart”—she waved me off—“Jax didn’t mean that.

He’s just hardheaded like my Stanley was.

Showing emotions is hard for Jax. He doesn’t come by them all too often, either.

I’d been sharing a drink with that boy for many years now, and he still hardly opens up.

He acts tough, like a brick wall, but he’s goo, just a big softy.

And ever since you’ve come to town, I’ve seen the way he looks at you. ”

My stomach filled with nerves. “How does he look at me?”

“As if you’re something he wants to know more about.”

I lowered my head and fiddled with my fingers. “Years ago, he was my best friend. We went to summer camp together for two years, and we wrote letters back and forth to one another for about three years. Then, one day, his letters stopped coming. He just…disappeared.”

Joy’s eyes widened with surprise. “You knew him as a boy?”

“Yes. He was…” I smiled, thinking back on Jax as a kid. “He was the kindest boy I’d ever known. The quietest boy but the kindest.”

“Yes. Those facts haven’t changed over the years. And he knows? That you’re…you?”

“He does, but he told me it would be best if we don’t dive deeper into our history.”

“Oh horseshit,” Joy groaned, making me burst into laughter. “You can’t listen to a dang thing Jax says—you know why?”

“Why is that?”

“His heartbeats are set to self-destruct. He pushes good things away because he doesn’t think he deserves them, but I know that boy—probably better than he knows himself—and he needs a friend. I think he needs you more than he’ll ever admit.”

I shook my head as I took a sip of wine. “I doubt he wants me to be that friend. Plus, like you said, he’s a brick wall. I have no way of getting through to him.”

“Sure you do.” She placed her wine glass down and walked over to her fireplace, where a few candles were sitting. She picked up a lighter and began lighting each one. “You’ve lost someone, no?”

I stood straighter. Even with all the gossiping people, I hadn’t told a soul about my daughter. “I…I’m sorry? What do you mean? How do you…?”

She looked back to me and smiled. “I see it in your eyes, and I see their light around you.”

Chills began spreading over my body as the words left her lips. “I… It…” My mouth grew dry as I tried to form the words, and she shook her head.

“No, no, sweetheart. You don’t have to talk about it if it’s too hard.

I get it, but I want you to know you aren’t alone in your loss.

If there is anything in this world that unites us all, it’s life and death, day and night.

Jax went through a tragedy, too, and since you two have history, I figure perhaps you two can connect on some level again. ”

“I don’t think he wants me in his life, not very much at least.”

“I bet he does. Jax’s father is currently reaching the end of his life, too, and I know that’s eating at him even though he won’t talk about it.

Now, I’m not telling you this so you’ll force yourself onto him.

I just think healing comes with time, patience, and friends, and I believe the two of you could both use a friend right now,” Joy explained.

“How do I get him to want to be my friend? How do I get him to open up to me?”

“Just be you. That’s good enough, I’m sure. If all else fails, push him. Sometimes in life we need to be pushed to be reminded that we can still move.”

I thought back to just a few days earlier, when my panic attack hit me straight on, and I was unable to move forward. There Jax was, pushing me, helping guide me back to my home. If he could help me, I could at least try to do the same for him. What was the worst that could happen?

Joy and I finished our wine and talked about life. She made me laugh when I would’ve otherwise been at home dealing with my own thoughts and sadness. I was so thankful for her kindness. She was one of the first people in town who felt genuinely interested in becoming my friend.

When I asked why she hadn’t left her house for so long, she replied with the simplest answer: “I go where the love is. This place is filled with my loved ones’ heartbeats. When love goes somewhere else, I’ll be sure to follow. This is my haven until God tells me otherwise.”

As I stood to leave, I stopped in her hallway, which was lined with photographs. I took in the smiling faces, which made me smile, too. “Is that your husband?” I asked.

“Yes, that’s Stanley, my stone-cold sweetheart.”

“And the girl?”

“My Bethany. She passed away early in life. We had eighteen great years with one another before the cancer took her away from us.”

My chest tightened. “I’m so sorry.” I wanted to hug her, and wanted to cry, but instead, I just stood still.

“I’m sorry, too, Kennedy. I truly am.”

I hadn’t told her, but somehow Joy knew of my loss. I put on my coat and boots then stepped onto her front porch. We exchanged goodbyes, but before I could leave, I turned back to her, asking the question I’d been trying to answer for some time now. “How do you get over losing a daughter?”

She walked over to me and crossed her arms. “You don’t get over it.

You just get through it, and you count your blessings for any amount of time you had together.

Me personally? I like to believe that once Bethany left my side, she became the wind.

Therefore I feel her everywhere.” She held her hand out and closed her eyes as she took in a deep inhalation. “Even during the storms.”

I smiled her way before pulling her into a tight hug. I thanked her for everything she’d given to me that night and then hurried back over to my front porch. This time, though, before rushing inside, I closed my eyes, and I felt the wind as it danced across my soul.