Page 42 of Healed Hearts (Mended Hearts #2)

Chapter Forty-One

Holden

I t’s been quite possibly the longest week of my entire life. No one warned me how fucking hard it would be to watch a piece of your heart struggle. Thankfully, Wren has handled the chemo being used to condition her marrow well. She hasn’t been sick. Mostly just tired. But I can tell it’s taking a toll on her and on Julian.

She’s stir-crazy, since she’s unable to do much but sit around and stare at the walls. Ruby and Henry are here at least once a day. And Ro has given control of most of the day-to-day operations at the center to his assistant so he can be here for us. It’s nice. I won’t lie. But there’s a constant stream of people in and out and between being cooped up, being poked and prodded, and all the people, Wren is overwhelmed. Julian’s overwhelmed. I’m overwhelmed.

Since today is the day of the transplant, Julian and I decided that everyone needed to go home. He told everyone that he appreciated them so much, but that he wanted to spend time with his family and that I’ll call them when everyone is done, and we’re ready for visitors.

I won’t lie, the spend time with his family thing is nuts. I mean, yeah, I like it. I love it, actually, but it’s still so strange. Julian has taken to calling me Daddy Hold when he’s talking to Wren about me. Ruby and Henry too. I haven’t. Not because I don’t want to be Daddy Hold, but because I want her to feel free to do things at her own pace. I’m happy with whatever she wants to call me.

At the end of the day, I get to be her Holden and while I would love more, I’m in no rush. Everything will happen in exactly the right time. I have faith in that. It’s strange, actually. To have that faith. That belief that things are going to work out. But I really do. In my soul, I know things will work out exactly the way they’re supposed to.

“Darlin’?” I turn to Julian. “I think they’re about ready for me.”

I step toward him and press my face to his chest, inhaling a deep breath. Hey, I said I had faith it would work out. Not that I wasn’t upset about Julian being carted off to surgery. We debated me going with him and having someone come sit with Wren, since her part comes after Julian’s. But we ultimately decided that I would stay with Wren while Julian was donating, and then we’d both be able to be there for her during her transplant. “It’s all going to be okay.”

He slides his fingers into my hair and tilts my head back to kiss me. I sink into him, losing myself in his taste and the feel of his solid, strong body against mine. When he pulls back, I try to chase his lips. “It’s time for me to go,” he murmurs against my mouth.

Ugh.

“I know. I love you, and I’ll see you in a couple of hours. I’ll take care of your girl.”

He kisses me again. “ Our girl. And I know you will, darlin’. I love you too.”

I watch as he walks out the door. I know this is a routine procedure, and he’ll be fine, or at least, the risk is minimal, but I can’t help but be nervous. It’s strange to have your entire heart walking around outside your body.

I stare at the closed door for a couple more seconds before climbing into bed with Wren. “Hey, pretty girl. What do you wanna do while we wait for Daddy?”

“Play hippos, Hold?”

I hop up to grab the hungry hippo game that Beck brought to the hospital a couple of days ago. “Absolutely. Are you going to cheat this time? Or do I get a fair shot?”

She laughs. “Unka Beck says cheat.”

I shake my head as I climb back up beside her with the game. “Uncle Beck is a bad influence. You shouldn’t be listening to him.”

She looks at me like she’s not impressed with that at all. She loves Beck. It burns Roman up because she very much liked him more. At first. Until Beck taught her how to cheat at hippos. And bribed her with candy and juice. Then she was all about Beck.

Those two idiots can argue about it all they want. At the end of the day, we all know Hold is her favorite. “Okay, pretty girl, let’s see if I can finally beat you one time.”

I don’t beat her. Of course I don’t. I genuinely don’t get it, either. Because there’s no fucking way to cheat at Hungry Hungry Hippos. Statistically, there’s no possible way that she’s won all ten rounds. But she has. I’m going to have to ask Beck how in the actual fuck he taught her to win at this game.

“I won again,” she says. Smug little shit.

“You sure did.” I glance down at my phone. We have about an hour or so until Julian should be done. “Do you want to watch a movie with me?”

She nods excitedly. “Frozen?”

I giggle. Julian has tried to cut Frozen out of our lives, but can’t relate. “Yes, ma’am. We can definitely watch Frozen.”

By the time Olaf is singing In Summer, Wren is crashed. Prepping her for this transplant really took it out of her. I keep my phone propped against my thigh and run my fingers through her hair while she naps against my chest.

I decide to close my eyes for just a minute and rest while I wait for Julian to get back.

The sound of a camera shutter brings me back to the world. I jolt awake, looking around the room. Wren is still tucked against my chest, sleeping soundly.

“Sorry, darlin’. I didn’t mean to wake you. You two just looked so precious, I couldn’t resist.”

Julian.

“I’m so glad you’re back,” I rasp, trying to blink the sleepiness from my eyes as they settle on him. “How are you feeling?”

He shrugs. “My hip is a little sore, but I’m okay.”

He carefully sits down on the edge of the bed. “That’s good. I’m glad everything went okay.”

He grins. “The doc told me to try to rest for a couple of days. Like I have anything else to do.”

I scoot over more in the bed and pat the spot beside me. Julian takes the invitation and lies down next to us. He rolls carefully to his side, wincing a bit as he does, and rests his hand on Wren’s back. He hums. “Wren and I are so lucky to have you, darlin’.”

I cover his hand with my own. “I’m the lucky one. What time is it?”

“Almost three in the afternoon.”

I glance at him. He went back at 8:00 a.m. “I can’t believe I slept so long. I slept through you being stuck in recovery and everything. Worst boyfriend ever.”

Moving his hand from Wren’s back, he brushes my hair back off my face, and grins. “I can. You’re run down, darlin’. Hell, we all are. And you’re not a bad boyfriend at all. I’m glad you slept through it. Otherwise, you might have been stressed the entire time.”

I most definitely would have been stressed the entire time. “I need to go find out what time we’re doing the infusion.”

Julian shakes his head. “No need. Lydia stopped me in the hall and told me they’d be in within an hour to get her set up.”

I hum, tugging Wren a little closer to my chest. I’m thankful all over again that I’m not expected to be her nurse right now. I know this isn’t a huge deal, and it’s not even as invasive as what Julian went through today, but it’s still going to suck. She’s my little girl . And I don’t want her to be in pain. Ever. For any reason. And that lets me know just how fucked up my parents actually were. How fucked up Roman’s dad was. I mean, I already knew, of course. But still. Knowing how far I’d go to keep Wren safe from harm, knowing how much damage our parents caused us? It’s fucked up. I don’t understand how they could treat us the way they did.

“Are you okay, darlin’?” Julian asks, pulling me from my thoughts.

I grin at him. “Yeah, I’m just thinking about how happy I am that I’m not like my parents.”

He gives me a soft smile. “Yeah, I don’t even have to know them to know you’re nothing like them.”

“Yeah, I know.” I sigh, then carefully adjust until I’m on my side and Wren is tucked against my chest between Julian and me. “Let’s just snuggle with Wren until it’s time, yeah?”

Julian’s eyes light up and he nods. “Sounds perfect, darlin’.”

He moves a little closer, and wraps his arm around my waist. His eyes fall closed within seconds and in no time at all, I’m staring at my entire world sleeping peacefully.

The peace is interrupted close to an hour later when Lydia comes in with Dr. Mays, and they have Julian and I get up so they can start Wren’s infusion. Lydia has pulled up a chair and is smiling at Wren, while monitoring her vitals.

And once again, Julian and I are cuddled up together, holding hands on the love seat, inches from Wren’s bed. She sleeps through the entire thing, which is probably for the best. Every once in a while, Julian squeezes my hand, and I squeeze his right back. Trying to let him know without words that I’m here.

It’s been three weeks since Wren’s transplant, and so far, things seem to be going well for her. She hasn’t had any adverse reactions. She’s been sleeping a lot, which is to be expected. She’s getting a little stir-crazy, though. Which is why I’m extra excited about today.

“I can’t believe you’re doing this,” Julian says, blowing up yet another balloon.

“She can’t just skip her birthday because she’s in the hospital, Julian.”

He laughs. “I know. But we could have celebrated when we got home. She’s not going to know the difference.”

I set down the banner I’m holding and turn to him with a glare. “Julian Foster, I am excited about throwing her a birthday party. It’s her birthday . The first birthday I get to spend with her. So you better just blow up those balloons and let me have this.”

He holds his hands up in supplication, clearly trying to placate me. The laughter dancing in his eyes gives him away. “Yes, sir,” he says, giving me a mock salute. He does go back to blowing up the balloons, however.

As he should.

“Real talk, though. I probably should have planned it better. With your doctor’s appointment today, it’s not the best timing.”

Julian ties off the balloon he just finished blowing up and leans down to kiss the top of my head. “Don’t worry about that, darlin’. I do want to talk to you about that, though.”

“Your appointment?” I clarify as I step back to make sure the Happy Birthday banner I hung up is straight.

“Yeah, I’m thinking about telling the doctor I don’t want any medication.”

That stops me short. “Yeah?”

He nods. “Yeah, my anxiety is very situational, right? So I don’t feel like I need to have something all the time. I’m not sure a daily pill is something I really want. I’ve been doing pretty well since Wren has been in the hospital.”

He really has. And Lydia and I taught him some breathing techniques that he can try, and he’s really only needed them a couple of times. I nod. “Yeah, I think that makes sense. Can I offer a suggestion?”

“Of course.”

“Talk to them about coping techniques. I fully support your decision to not have medication, but I think it would be good to have more tools in your tool belt to help you. I think you could also benefit from therapy.”

Julian laughs. “Oh, look who’s advocating for therapy.”

I shrug. I’ve always advocated for therapy. I just hate it. I’ve been doing weekly sessions since I got triggered by Motel Guy. “Yeah, I mean, I hate it. But it does help.”

He glances around at all the balloons covering the floor. “Do you think there’s enough now?”

“Yeah, I think that’s probably enough,” I admit with a grin.

Julian wraps me up in his arms and buries his face in my hair. “I’ll work on finding a therapist. I’m sure it’s not the worst idea in the world to talk to someone. I did go briefly after Maya died. But that was more grief counseling than anything else.”

I snuggle deeper into him. Another reason I’ll be glad to get out of here is that I barely get to cuddle him anymore. It’s the worst. “I miss cuddling,” I mumble into Julian’s chest.

“Aww. I miss cuddling, too, darlin’. Just a few more weeks.”

A knock on the door interrupts our mini cuddle session. I pull back with an irritated huff that has Julian chuckling.

“We come bearing cake and ice cream,” Ro says as he and Beck step into the conference room I commandeered to have this party.

Beck looks around at the decorations, then gives me a grin. “You did good, Hold. It’s cute. She’s going to love it.”

“Thanks, Beck.” I gesture to the gift in his hand. “You can set that on the table over there.”

Roman laughs. “It’s one of many.”

Beck glares at him, but does set the gift down. “Yeah, I’ve got to run out and bring the rest up.”

“The rest?” Julian echoes. “My God, Beckett. How many?”

Beck looks a little sheepish, and Roman laughs again. “Um, many.”

I sigh. “How many is many, Beckett?”

He shrugs. “Look, I couldn’t decide what to get.”

Roman wraps his arm around Beck’s waist and kisses his temple. “I tried to reel him in, but I couldn’t say no. I’d like to see you try.”

Julian and I share a look, and then he’s striding across the room and hugging Beck. Beck freezes for a second, but then he’s wrapping his arms around Julian in an equally tight hug. “Thank you,” Julian whispers, just loud enough for me to hear the tremor in his voice. Then he’s pulling back and giving Ro the same treatment. “You guys don’t know how much it means to me that you’ve accepted us so quickly into your family.”

I watch them with a smile. I can’t help it. When Julian pulls away, his eyes are a little wet.

“Okay,” Beck says, wiping a little at his own eyes. He’s such a sap and I love it. “Who’s going to help me bring these gifts up?”

Twenty minutes later, with a table full of gifts and a room full of decorations, Wren steps into the room. Ruby, Henry, and Lydia follow her in. “Happy Birthday, Wren!” we all shout as Wren looks around the room with wide eyes, before she breaks out in a huge grin.

We keep the party short and sweet, since Julian has an appointment and Wren tends to tire easily. Well, as short and sweet as you can when you have over twenty presents to open from two overzealous uncles alone. She’s gotten everything from coloring books and crayons, which Beck claimed she needed because he was going to teach her to draw, to new Frozen dolls. By the time she’s almost through the pile, she’s dozing off sitting up.

“Aw, man. I feel bad,” Beck says. “I shouldn’t have gone so overboard.”

Julian glances over at him. “Don’t even worry about it. She can finish opening them later. She’s going to be so excited when she’s actually awake enough to play with them.”

She hasn’t opened mine yet, and for that, I’m thankful. I can put off telling Julian I got his kid an iPad for just a little longer. She will love it, though. And I’ve already loaded it with tons of educational games. But also some fun ones. Because life is all about balance.

When Wren lists to the side, Julian stands. “Hey, baby girl. Let’s go take a nap, yeah?”

She nods, and raises her hands up to him. When he picks her up, she immediately settles her head on his shoulder and is out cold.

After the party, Julian left to go to his doctor’s appointment, and Wren and I went back to her room. She’s curled up on her side, still asleep, which is not a surprise. She’s a tired baby. I glance up at her from over my phone, and study the rise and fall of her chest. I can’t believe this is my life. That I get to do this. That I get to be a part of this.

I watch her sleep for a few minutes, then go back to scrolling on my phone. It’s mindless and boring, but it’s boring being here by myself in general. I haven’t gone this long without working since I started working, and I’m really not sure what to do with myself.

Wren makes a strange sound in her sleep, and I sit up straighter, tossing my phone down on the cushion next to me. I watch her for a second, and she drags in a shaky breath, before sitting straight up and bursting into tears.

“Oh, hey, pretty girl. You’re okay,” I say quickly, jumping up to climb in beside her. I’ve never seen her cry like this.

Her chest heaves as her little cheeks darken with color. “Oh, pretty girl. Come here.”

She climbs into my lap and grips my shirt with her hand as she sobs. “Daddy,” she whispers through her tears.

“Daddy will be back really soon. Okay?” I murmur, brushing her hair back off her face. I have no idea what’s going on. But she doesn’t seem to be running a fever. I almost wonder if she had a bad dream. Especially with the way she woke up.

“Daddy,” she says again.

“He’ll be back, pretty girl. I promise.”

I squeeze her a little tighter to me, rocking her gently. “No, no,” she whines, seeming to cry harder.

“Shhh, it’s okay, Wren. Daddy won’t be long. I promise. Let’s cuddle until he gets back, okay?”

She makes a frustrated little sound, and then her teary brown eyes are locked on mine. “Daddy’s here.”

I cup her cheek. “Not yet, baby. Soon.”

“No. Daddy Hold’s here,” she says.

Fuck.

Oh fuck.

Holy fucking fuck.

Now we’re both sobbing. Perfect. “Yeah, baby. Daddy Hold’s here,” I somehow manage to choke out. “I’ve got you.”

She sighs, her entire body relaxing as her sobs taper off to gasping inhales that seem to wrack her entire body every few seconds. I wish I could say my tears have tapered off. But no, I’m still sobbing. Openly. Cradling this tiny person that I love so fucking much to my chest.

She called me daddy.

Me.

Holy shit. She really called me daddy.

“I love you, Wren,” I get out.

“Love you too,” she murmurs before falling back asleep in my arms.