Page 15 of Healed Hearts (Mended Hearts #2)

Chapter Fourteen

Julian

H olden seems like a man obsessed, and I am not complaining. Not one fucking bit. I dare a man alive to have him look at you with those gorgeous green eyes and not fold immediately. I didn’t stand a single chance.

Even now, he’s this vibrant ball of energy on top of me, literally stealing my soul from my body with his sweet mouth. I groan, my hands caressing his back through his borrowed shirt. He should be wearing my clothes all the time. He looks like mine in my clothes. But I’m not going to tell him that. He may have been brave enough to share his first kiss with me— something that still has me fucking mind-blown and feeling so overwhelmed and honored—but even so, there’s a layer of fear under each interaction. Like he’s scared the very next move will be me flipping him over and violating him.

He rocks his hips against me as he deepens the kiss a bit, his tongue coming out to hesitantly brush my lower lip. I moan, trying to keep myself perfectly still and let him explore without scaring him. He pulls back, staring down at me with wide, lust-filled eyes. “I think I’m going to need to do this every time we get the opportunity to.”

His words make me chuckle. “You have free rein. Do whatever you’d like.”

He cocks his head to the side. “Did you mean what you said earlier?” he asks, and I’ll be so honest, I have no idea what he’s referring to. His hip is grinding into my cock, his lips are wet from our kiss, and his eyes are… fuck . What was I going on about?

“Um, about what?” I ask.

A pink flush spreads across his cheeks, and I have to bite back a smile. “About me topping?”

I nod rapidly, the tiny bit of blood I had left in my brain rushing south quickly, making my cock throb against his body. “Oh, yes. I definitely meant that.”

“But… why?” he asks. He genuinely looks confused, like he can’t imagine a world where one, someone would actually want that and two, someone would want that with him. It breaks my heart.

I can not have this conversation while he’s on top of me like this. My brain function simply won’t allow it, so I grip his hips and gently move him until he’s sitting beside me on the bed. I sit up against the headboard, and he pulls his legs up, sitting cross-legged at my hip, staring up at me.

My eyes drop to his thighs as his borrowed shirt rides up, exposing the supple skin. I groan and squeeze my eyes closed. “I moved you so we could have a productive conversation, but there is nothing productive happening in my brain with you sitting there looking like that.”

He giggles, and the sound lights me up inside. I can feel him shifting on the bed, so I open my eyes and watch as he pulls the blankets over his lap. “Well, you didn’t need to cover up.”

“I’d hate to be the reason you’re so distracted,” he says with a wink in my direction.

“Being distracted by you is hardly a chore, but maybe for this conversation, my blood should be in my big brain instead of my little brain.”

“Nothing little about it,” he mutters under his breath, and I laugh.

“Yeah, well. It’s not like you’re exactly hurting in the size department yourself, darlin’,” I say, smiling when his cheeks darken with color. Surely he’s not embarrassed by that. I definitely can’t let myself think about it or I’ll be even more distracted. “But back to the topic at hand. I enjoy it. I’ll admit that I’m lucky enough that my first experience was with someone I liked a lot, and he didn’t hurt me. There have been a couple of times when we went too fast, and it was painful for a minute, but as long as there’s adequate prep, it’s not painful. Or at least, it shouldn’t be.”

Holden’s eyes are wide, like he doesn’t believe what I’m saying, but he doesn’t say anything. “You know that what you went through and what two people who care about each other experience are separate things, right?” I ask, watching his reaction closely.

He nods slowly. “Of course I do.” It doesn’t sound convincing in the slightest.

“Do you?”

His features sharpen, and he turns a glare on me. “Yes, Julian. I had the ‘consent is important, and you offering your ass up in exchange for dinner wasn’t consent,’ talk with Roman many years ago.”

It’s clear I hit a nerve. I’m torn. Do I push further because I don’t actually feel like he believes that? Or do I let it go? We truthfully don’t know that much about each other, but I’d like to know him. At any rate, I think this conversation is important, so I decide to take the risk. “Okay, I’m glad that you had that talk. Do you believe it?” I ask softly.

None of the anger drains from his face. In fact, it gets worse. I hope I’m not fucking this up. “I don’t see why that matters any to you.”

Fuck, I have to navigate this carefully. It won’t do me any good to push him too hard. I lower my voice when I respond. “It matters to me because I like you, and I’d like to see where this goes. If you do, that is.”

He scoffs. “You like me? You wanna see where this goes? So you’re doing what, exactly? Trying to get me to understand that it’s not all that bad, so I’ll just bend over and let you do it to me?” His facial expression is pure fury, but his eyes are sadness steeped in protective armor.

“Absolutely not,” I say immediately, not wanting to leave him any room to stew or freak out about what my response might be. “I want you to know the difference so that if you decide that’s something you want to do to me , you’ll know in your mind and in your heart it’s not the same as what happened to you.”

His glare is strong, only his eyes betraying him. His chest heaves, and then in slow motion, he breaks down in front of me. His shoulders drop, the fury bleeds from his expression, leaving only sadness in its wake. His chin quivers, and his eyes fill with tears. He lets out a choked sob and covers his face with his hands. Dammit, I pushed too far. “Oh, darlin’,” I whisper. “Come here, you’re okay.”

He hesitates for only a second before he’s pulling his hands away from his face and practically throwing himself against my body. I wrap my arms around his waist, holding him as he shakes in my hold. Soft whimpers and sobs fall from him, tearing through my heart as they do. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m sorry.”

I slip my fingers into his hair and rub circles along his scalp. I’m the one who pushed too far. I shouldn’t have. “It’s okay. You have nothing to apologize for.”

I feel him nod against me. “I do, though,” he cries. “I shouldn’t have been so hateful.”

He wasn’t hateful, and even if he was, I think I know what’s happening. “Holden, I triggered you. You thought I meant something I didn’t. I would never, ever do something you didn’t want. And I would be incredibly upset if I found out you did something you didn’t want to or didn’t feel comfortable with. Everything is your choice. Well, our choice, actually. Because I can promise I will also never do anything I don’t want or feel comfortable with.”

“Really?” he asks. The tears seem to have slowed, and thank God for that.

“Yes, really. Consent is a two-way street.”

He sighs. It’s resigned. Sad. “Do you want me to go home?”

My arms automatically tighten around his body at the mere thought of him going anywhere. “Nah, I think you need to stay right here.”

“Right here?” he asks with a small laugh. “Or should I sit back up so we can finish our conversation?”

“I think our conversation can wait,” I murmur, turning my head to breathe in his scent.

“Because I yelled at you?” he asks, his voice shaky.

I tilt his chin until his eyes are forced to meet mine. “No. Not because you yelled at me. Because we’re not there yet, and we don’t need to be.”

“But you want to be,” he grumbles.

I take a deep breath. “No. I want this . Right here. I didn’t tell you yes to staying here so I could take advantage of you. You were the first person I slept with after Maya.” His eyes widen in shock, but I barrel on. “And when I think about the things I had and lost, sex doesn’t even make the top twenty. When you watch the person you love die, it realigns your perspective. And when the person you’re holding in your arms, that you really like, and could easily see yourself falling for, is crying because the idea of sex makes them uncomfortable…” I let my voice trail off as the implications of that hit him.

“You don’t pull your punches, huh?” he asks softly. “You just put it all out there.”

I chuckle. “I know that the start of our… relationship was unconventional, and you’ve seen a lot of me at my worst, because of Wren, but I’m a pretty straight shooter. I know I said I trust you with Wren, and I do. But I do still have to consider her and her well-being. I don’t play games or beat around the bush. That won’t get me anywhere. I know better than most how fragile life is, and I don’t take it for granted. All I might be given is this moment, and if that’s the case, then I want to make the most of it. No matter what that looks like.”

He nods slowly, understanding passing across his features. He lays his head back against me and relaxes once more. “Will you tell me about her?”

“Maya?” I ask.

“Yeah,” he whispers.

“What do you want to know?”

“Whatever you feel comfortable sharing. If it’s too painful to talk about, I understand.”

“No,” I whisper, releasing my hold on him so I can run my fingers up and down his back. It used to be too painful to even think about, but I had to work through my grief so I could keep Maya alive for our daughter. “We met when we were twenty-two. We had only dated for a few months when she got pregnant with Wren. I was terrified, but also really excited.”

“What was she like?”

I laugh. “Vivacious. Full of life. She didn’t know a single stranger, and she could make friends with anyone. Everyone who met her loved her. She was soft-spoken and always kind. I swear to you, at one point, we had ten stray cats outside. They kept showing up, and she kept feeding them. I joked that if she kept it up, I’d have to take out a loan for cat food. I never understood why she wanted to hitch her wagon to me. She truthfully could have done a lot better.”

Holden hums. “I’m not so sure about that. She sounds remarkable. Do you have any photos of her?”

“Yeah, on my phone.” I hesitate and then add, “Not like, for my own reasons. I’m saving them for Wren.”

He lifts off my chest and looks at me with a cocked head and a raised eyebrow. “Why does it sound like you’re trying to justify to me why you’re keeping photos of her?”

“I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable,” I admit.

“Yeah, hearing the love and reverence in your voice when you talk about the woman you love and who gave you that precious baby of yours makes me real uncomfortable. Such a terrible human being you are.” The sarcastic tone of his voice brings a smile to my face.

“Well, to be fair, most people would be upset about it.”

“Honestly, to me? It’s a relief.”

“How so?”

“It’s proof that you are capable of loving someone enough that they linger with you forever. Ro was in love with his high school sweetheart for ten years. He left town when he was almost nineteen and didn’t go back for ten years. And they still loved each other to the point of madness. Mostly my own because Ro never shut the hell up about it.” He giggles, the sound so musical and bright it takes my breath away, and I can tell that he wasn’t driven as crazy as he’s acting. “It’s nice that they aren’t the exception, you know?”

“Yeah, I get that,” I say, smiling despite the way my heart is racing. It almost sounds like he’s saying it’s a relief that I can love deeply because he would be okay with me loving him deeply. “I can show you some pictures if you want?”

“I do want,” he says, nodding.

He sits up, much to my dismay, but I grab my phone and go to the folder I have of all Maya’s photos. I hand the phone to him and watch him as he flips through the photos. So many pictures—her and me together, her pregnant with Wren, her and her parents, and even her in her hospital bed with a baby Wren in her arms, her smile proud but her eyes tired, so very tired. I can barely even look at those photos anymore. Not because I didn’t love her, but because it hurts too damn badly being reminded of how she died.

“Wow,” he breathes as he scrolls through, taking a long time to stare at each one before moving to the next. “She’s beautiful. Wren looks just like her.” When he reaches the end of the album, he sets the phone down. “I haven’t noticed any photos of her around the house? Why not?”

I shrug. “At first it hurt too badly, but then I don’t know. I just never hung any up.”

“We really need to change that. She deserves to be shown, not hidden away on your phone.”

My throat tightens at his words and tears spring to my eyes. I haven’t intentionally been hiding her away, but he’s right. I really should get some photos of her up. Not of her at the end. Especially not with Wren’s health so uncertain. We’re no closer to answers than we were before, and I know we may have a long road ahead of us. “I’ll work on that,” I choke out.

He gives me a little smile and snuggles back into my embrace. We lie in silence for a while until I feel his body growing heavier and his breathing evens out. I give him a gentle shake. “Hey, Holden.”

I almost chuckle at the parallel to the first night we spent in bed together. But when he raises sleepy eyes to me this time, he doesn’t bolt from the room. He offers me a soft grin and says, “Yeah?”

“Let me up for a second so I can change.” He glances down, like he’s just noticing that I’m still in jeans.

He nods, rolling off me onto his back on the bed beside me. I jump up and quickly strip down, changing into a pair of shorts, and climb back into bed beside him. I’m barely even settled before he’s attached to me again. I grab at the blankets and pull them up around us. He drops a hand to my stomach, and remembering his comment from before, I resist the urge to suck it in. He hums.

“You’re awfully snuggly. I like it,” I say.

“Used to cuddle Ro… has Beck now,” he murmurs, clearly half-asleep.

“You can cuddle me anytime you like, darlin’,” I whisper, pressing a kiss to the top of his hair. He breathes out softly, and he’s out like a light. I stare at the ceiling. How the hell did I manage to get this lucky not once, but twice, in my life? I’m nothing special. But as I hold Holden’s sleeping form in my arms, I think maybe I could be.

I wake up before sunrise to the pitter-patter of feet across my floor. Wren comes to a stop at the edge of the bed and looks up at me with sleepy eyes. “Hey, baby girl. Are you okay?” I ask, trying to keep my voice down so I don’t wake Holden.

“Sleep in Daddy’s bed?” she asks with a yawn. I hesitate. Is that appropriate? We aren’t doing anything, and we’re both fully dressed, but I’m not sure how Holden would feel if he woke up and Wren was in bed with us.

“I’m not sur—” My words are cut off when Holden sits up beside me.

“If you don’t let that sweet baby in this bed, I’m going to be most upset with you.”

Asked and answered. I pick her up and scoot over so I can make room for her beside me. Holden makes grabby hands. “Come cuddle with me, Wren. We don’t need stinky Daddy cuddles.”

She giggles and climbs over me and right into his arms. He lies down, tucking her against his chest. He lets out a jaw-splitting yawn before closing his eyes. I stare at them in disbelief, an incredulous laugh bubbling in my chest. Did they just completely cut me out? I can’t even be mad about it, not with the way he’s protectively cradling her. Not when she clearly feels safe and comfortable with him. My heart feels like it’s about to burst as I lean in, pressing soft kisses to each of their heads. Wrapping my arm around Holden’s waist, I close my eyes and drift off in seconds.

The next time I open my eyes, sunlight is streaming into my windows and Wren is still wrapped in Holden’s arms, both of them sound asleep. I grab for my phone and snap a quick photo of the two of them. I regret not taking more photos of Maya when she was alive. The small moments most of all. If losing her has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t want to make that mistake again.

I climb from the bed, careful not to disturb them as I do. I think some breakfast in bed is in order, so after going to the bathroom and doing my business and brushing my teeth, I head into the kitchen.

I have coffee brewing, and I’m cracking eggs into a bowl to scramble them when there’s a knock at the front door. I set the bowl down and turn the burner off. Who the hell is at my house this early?

I pad across the floor and open the door. A man about my age is standing on my front porch. His brown hair is a mess, like he’s been running his fingers through it, and his eyes are laser-focused on me. “Um, may I help you?”

“I’m looking for Holden Nash,” he says.

“Is there some kind of trouble or something?” I ask.

“Is he here?” Something in his tone sounds like worry, so I nod.

“Yeah, he is. Is everything okay?”

He sags in relief. “Holy shit. Thank god. The only trouble is gonna be the trouble he’s about to be in for not checking in with me. Jesus. I’ve been a nervous wreck. Do you have any idea how hard this recon mission was to hide from my fiancé?” He doesn’t seem to want an answer because he continues, almost under his breath, like he’s not actually talking to me. “Little asshole says, ‘don’t tell Beck,’ and then he just disappears without a word?” He takes a deep breath. “Oh, I’m Roman, by the way. Sorry. I should have led with that.”

I blink at him. “How did you know he was here?”

“I didn’t. Not really. We have a system, and this was the last place he sent me before he started acting all fucking strange. And then yesterday he runs out of the house like his ass is on fire and never comes home.” He shrugs. “I put two and two together and hoped my math came out right.”

“Um, come in?” I say, holding the door open wider. “You do know his car is right there in the driveway, right?”

Roman’s mouth drops open and he turns around with a laugh. “Oh shit. I didn’t even see it.”

He turns back to me with a grin. As he steps over the threshold, I hear Holden’s voice. “Let’s go find Daddy, Wren.”

Roman turns to me with wide eyes and mouths what the fuck, right as the door to my bedroom creaks open. Holden steps into the living room, Wren by his side and her hand in his. And fuck… he’s still wearing my t-shirt.

The second his eyes land on Roman, he freezes. “Oh. Um, hello,” he mumbles. His cheeks are fire engine red. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so flustered.

Roman laughs, then raises an eyebrow at him. “Hello, indeed. You got a family you’re hiding from me, Hold?”