Page 13 of Healed Hearts (Mended Hearts #2)

Chapter Twelve

Julian

I ’d been watching Holden struggle for the last five minutes out of the corner of my eye. It wasn’t until his pinky brushed mine that I realized he was struggling with reaching out and holding my hand. I’m not sure if he was unsure about actually holding my hand, or if he was simply nervous about being the one to take that step. The second his fingers slipped into mine, though, I had the feeling that I could spend the next sixty years doing this.

There’s a soft snore, and I smile as I turn to see that Wren is asleep and Holden is staring down at her in what looks like awe.

His eyes lift slowly until they lock with mine, and I watch as he swallows hard, his throat bobbing with the motion. Yeah, I feel that, Holden. On a spiritual level. At least you’re only worried about falling in love with my daughter. You could be like me and be worried about falling in love with the man falling in love with my daughter.

He smiles at me as he gives my hand a gentle squeeze. “She’s something else,” he says softly, like he’s trying not to wake her up. Nothing would wake that kid up from a nap, though.

“She is. You’re great with her,” I say, smiling at them.

He shrugs. “I’ve always liked kids. It’s why I made the switch from working in the ER to peds.”

“Oh really? How long did you work in the ER?”

“A bit over five years. Basically, right after I finished nursing school. I started in the ER and didn’t leave until this past month.”

My eyes widen. “Wait, you’ve only been in pediatrics for a month?”

He nods. “Yeah, I had my first day the morning after we…” His voice trails off.

My stomach tightens at the reminder of the night we shared. Not that I need much to remember it, since it’s almost always on my mind. Especially while he’s staring at me with those eyes. “I would never have guessed. You’re so good at it.”

He shrugs, but he has a pleased smile on his lips. “It’s not much different. Tiny humans instead of big ones. But I’m really enjoying it. Especially when I get to meet cuties like this one,” he says, nodding his head in Wren’s direction.

“I’m pretty thankful you made the switch. I’d be missing out if you hadn’t,” I say, smiling softly at him. I rub the top of his hand with my thumb, and his eyes drop to the connection. He pulls in a shaky breath, but doesn’t respond to me otherwise. “If you’d like, I can carry her to her room to finish her nap and we can talk.”

He’s quiet for a moment, like he’s considering, but then he nods slowly. “Okay, yeah, that would be okay.”

He looks nervous, but I can’t imagine why. Surely he knows I’m not going to hurt him, right? But then I remember the way he thanked me before he left that first night. And yeah, maybe he doesn’t know I won’t hurt him.

I pull my hand from his, the loss of his touch hitting me harder than I thought it would. He flexes his fingers and frowns at his hand, like he’s having the same thought. I stand and lean down to lift Wren into my arms. She’s so tightly snugged into his side that I have to slide my hand between their bodies to lift her. I feel his sharp intake of breath when the back of my hand brushes his side. I pick Wren up and carry her to her room and tuck her into bed. She doesn’t even stir. Not in the terrifying way she didn’t wake up before, but her normal dead to the world type of nap.

When I head back into the living room and sit down, I sit closer to Holden than I was before, only leaving a couple of inches of space between us. Holden glances down and for a second, I worry that I’ve overstepped, but he smiles, lifts his sock covered feet up, and tucks them under my thigh.

It feels… domestic, and it makes my heart thud heavily in my chest. I can almost picture a future like this—Holden and I sitting together on the couch, Wren sleeping. Or maybe more kids, if that’s something he would want. I give myself a mental shake. I do not need my thoughts taking a left turn right now. I almost laugh at myself. Why am I even thinking about that?

Holden sighs, relaxing into the couch beside me. The movie is still playing in the background, and he’s lost in it, like he’s genuinely enjoying watching it, but I only have eyes for him. His profile is breathtaking—his button nose, his sky-high lashes, the soft angle of his jaw, his full lips as he silently mouths the words to the song the trolls are singing. “Hey, Holden?”

“Yeah?” he asks, turning his attention to me.

“You’re stunning.” His cheeks pink up and his eyes widen, almost comically.

“Thank you,” he whispers, vulnerability written all over his face. Almost as quickly as it shows, he wipes it away, an overly cocky smirk lighting up his expression. “You’re not so bad yourself.”

I want him to be real with me. And now that I’ve seen the switch from real to facade, I’ll never be able to unsee it. I know getting him to open up will take time, and I have nothing but that.

“Wanna turn on a grown up movie?” I ask.

He giggles. “Nah, I actually love Frozen, so unless you really can’t stand it, I’m fine with it staying on. I’d rather talk anyway.”

“Okay, what would you like to talk about?”

He shrugs, a grin playing on his lips. “How old are you?”

“I just turned twenty-seven. What about you?”

Holden brings a hand to his chest, gasping loudly. “Old man!” Ensue rising panic. I thought he was close to my age. Is he not? He takes in my expression and laughs. “I’m twenty-six. I’ll be twenty-seven in a couple of months.”

“You’re a bit of a shit-stirrer, huh?” I ask, chuckling along with him.

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” he says, winking at me.

Actually, I would like to know. I’d like to know everything about him. “How did you know you wanted to be a nurse?”

He cocks his head to the side. “I just did. It wasn’t ever really a thought for me. I knew from a young age it was what I wanted to do. You know, I don’t even know what you do. Are you taking time off work for Wren?”

“Nah,” I say. “I do freelance marketing. I run socials for a couple of companies currently, and then I do random design work for extra side money. It’s nice because I can do it from home, and still be here with Wren.”

He hums, considering that. “I bet that’s nice. Although, I’m sure it’s challenging to do it alone.” He doesn’t sound like he’s fishing for information, and yet I’m finding that I want to open up to him.

“Well, Maya, Wren’s mom, had great parents. They’re wonderful with Wren and love to spend time with her. So, I’m not completely alone.”

“That’s good,” he says softly. “What about your parents? Are they around?”

I shake my head. “Nah, they disowned me.”

Holden’s eyes widen and his face falls. “I’m so sorry.”

“Eh, it’s not a big deal to me. It used to hurt a lot, but I’ve come to terms with it.”

“It’s still awful. No matter how many times we tell ourselves it’s their loss,” Holden whispers.

I can tell from his tone that he’s speaking from experience, not just from a place of empathy. “You too?” I ask.

“Yeah, me too. Couldn’t hide the gay, unfortunately.” His voice is calm, indifferent almost. “What about you?”

“Well, I could hide the bi. And they were even okay with that, oddly enough. Mostly because I guess I don’t ‘look like I’m into men’,” I say, using my fingers to make air quotes. “They were fine with that, but not the baby born out of wedlock.”

“Oh,” Holden giggles. “Liking dick was okay, but that sweet girl was too much, huh?”

His words make a startled laugh burst from my chest. “Yeah, I guess so. Oh well. I wouldn’t trade her for the world. And I definitely wouldn’t trade her for their conditional love. That’s a them problem.”

“So you were, what, twenty-three when you had her?”

“Yeah. Honestly, my entire life back then was flipped upside down. Maya found out she had cancer at her twenty-week appointment.” I drop my eyes, remembering how badly I wanted her to give up Wren and fight for her life instead. “I’m not proud of it, but I asked her to abort Wren. She refused, obviously. She died when Wren was six months old. By the time she could get treatment, it was already too late. Hell, maybe it always would have been. I didn’t really want to lose Wren. I loved her and wanted her from the second Maya told me she was pregnant. She was an accidental baby, but I still wanted her. I didn’t want to lose Maya, though.”

I glance up at Holden when his hand covers mine. He’s got his “nurse face” on. All big, soft eyes and kind compassion. “That must have been really hard for you. But it’s clear to anyone that you love that little girl more than anything.”

I swipe at the tears that have gathered in my eyes. “Yeah,” I choke out. “I do. I really do. Ugh, I’m sorry. I promise I’m not always this big of a crybaby.” I try for a laugh, but it comes out a little wet.

Holden doesn’t say a word. He simply leans over and rests his head against my upper arm. His scent invades my senses and I want so badly to bury my face in his hair and breathe him in. I resist, but just barely. Fuck, I’m in so much trouble.

“You know,” he says after a few moments. “My best friend Roman is constantly on my ass about not apologizing for having feelings.” He laughs. “God, if I had a dollar for every time that man told me, ‘Now Hold, what have we talked about? We don’t apologize for how we feel.’”

I chuckle. “Is Roman the guy you were talking about at the hospital? How did you two meet?”

Holden sighs. He’s quiet for so long I worry I’ve struck a nerve that he doesn’t want to talk about, but then he says, “Yeah, he is. He saved my sorry ass when I was sixteen, after my parents kicked me out.”

Oh shit. “Your parents kicked you out when you were sixteen?” At least mine had the decency to wait to disown me until I was grown.

He laughs, but there’s no humor in it. “No, they kicked me out when I was fourteen.”

“But you said…” My voice trails off as I try to piece things together.

“Yeah, Ro saved me when I was sixteen. But before that, I lived on the streets.”

“For two years?” I ask, shock and anger in my voice. What the fuck kind of parents did he have? How did he even survive? “How did you even manage? I couldn’t imagine making it on the streets at my age, let alone so young.”

“You have seen my ass, right? It got me quite a bit when I played my cards right.” Holden’s answer comes lightning quick. I pause, letting his words sink in. The dots all start to connect— no anal , and I have hang-ups about sex , and nobody has ever asked me before . Holy fuck. I draw in a sharp gasp, and Holden tenses against me, sitting up and putting space between us so quickly that it makes my head spin.

“Normal people don’t think trauma is funny, Hold,” he mumbles under his breath. What he just said was horrifying, but truthfully, he’s also fucking hilarious, and I can’t help but laugh.

“I’m going to take offense if you don’t park your very fine ass back over here where it belongs, darlin’.” Shocked eyes meet mine, and then he’s laughing too. But thankfully, he scoots over and snuggles back against me. This time I can’t resist. I drop my head, nuzzling my nose into his hair, and breathe in his glorious fucking scent.

He giggles. “Are you smelling me?”

“Yeah, I really am. God , why do you smell so good? That scent haunted my bed for a week. Washing the sheets didn’t even help.”

“I have no idea.” He giggles again. “I don’t even wear anything because I never know what reactions patients might have to fragrances.” He snuggles deeper against me and rests his hand on my stomach, his slim fingers spreading out and tapping against it. I try to suck it in a bit, and he looks up at me. “What are you doing?”

“Um, nothing?” I answer, but it definitely comes out more like a question than a statement.

“Liar. You’re sucking your stomach in. Stop that.” He’s glaring at me, heat burning in the emerald green. Nope. He can’t be looking at me like that. Not when his hands are on me, anyway. I try to adjust my hips to keep my unruly cock away from him so I don’t make him uncomfortable.

“My apologies,” I say, forcing myself to relax. It’s hard. My stomach is something I have a hate-hate relationship with. No matter how well I eat, or how many ab workouts I do, I can’t seem to lose the small layer of fat there or have the muscle definition I’ve managed to gain everywhere else.

He grins. “You should be sorry. This is… lowkey everything,” he murmurs, fingers caressing my lower stomach. I try very hard not to react. He’s making it almost impossible, though.

My throat goes dry as his eyes drop to my mouth. His lips part as he studies them. It seems like it takes all his effort to drag his gaze back to my eyes, and when he does, I’m almost knocked over by the intensity in the green.

He licks his lips, almost unconsciously. “I, um, I really enjoy spending time with you.”

That brings a smile to my face. “I really enjoy spending time with you too.”

He nods and lowers his gaze again before darting his eyes back to mine. “That’s… good.”

I hum, my stomach flipping when his eyes drop again.

He takes a shaky breath, then he’s inching forward—so slowly that if it wasn’t for the fact that I can feel his soft breath against my lips, it would be barely noticeable.

He leans closer until there are mere centimeters separating us. I want to pull him closer, slide my fingers into those gorgeous thick waves and find out what he tastes like. I want it so badly that it almost feels like a physical ache inside me.

I won’t be the one to close the distance, though. He laid out clear boundaries and I won’t cross them.

He lets out a small sound, a mix of want and frustration, and it has my stomach clenching and my cock throbbing in anticipation of feeling his lips on mine.

“Daddy?”

Holden’s on the other side of the couch in an instant. So quickly, in fact, I’m almost convinced he teleported there.

“I’m hungry, Daddy,” Wren says, standing at the edge of the living room, her blanket clutched in her fist and trailing on the ground behind her.

“Okay. I’ll start dinner,” I say, giving her a small smile while I work on getting my heart rate under control.

“I help?” she asks.

“Of course. Let’s go get your hands washed and you can help, okay?” She nods at me with a big smile on her face. Holden has been quiet, so I turn to him. “Are you alright?”

His eyes lock on mine, and he nods slowly. “Can I help with dinner too?” he asks.

I wink at him. “Of course. Let’s get your hands washed.”

He lets out a laugh that fills me with warmth from my head to my toes. Fifteen minutes later, Holden is behind Wren—who’s standing in a kitchen chair—helping her slice veggies for the homemade pasta sauce I’m making for dinner. His moves are precise, his hands steady as he helps her hold the handle of the knife and slice through the tomatoes and then the zucchini and onions. “You’re doing so well, Wren,” he says, his voice full of pride.

My heart does a slow roll in my chest at how gentle he is with her. God, I really am in so much fucking trouble.