Page 26 of Healed Hearts (Mended Hearts #2)

Chapter Twenty-Five

Holden

F ucking Motel Guy. What a goddamn asshole. Guess what, you sick fucker? I’m not fourteen anymore, begging for a place to sleep at night. I take off across the street, ignoring Roman yelling after me. I’m going to give this guy a piece of my mind. He had no right at all to touch me, to fuck me, to make me suck him off just so I could stay in his seedy-ass motel filled with roaches and bedbugs.

An icy chill races up my spine, and a dull sense of fear tingles in my stomach at the memory of him holding me down on those bedbug-infested beds—his hot breath on my neck, the pain, the complete desolation I felt.

“Hey!” I shout. His eyes light up, a sickening smile spreading across his face.

“I thought that was you,” he says, and my stomach churns at the sound of his voice. “My, my. You grew up nice.”

I have to fight down a gag. I get across the street and stand toe-to-toe with him, ready to let him have it. Fuck this sick old fuck. I did a lot of things I’m not proud of, but letting this guy do what he did to me ranks at the very top of the things I can’t stand.

I glare up at him, rage burning in my stomach. I know I only have minutes before Roman is going to chase me down and put a stop to this. I open my mouth, but before I can speak, his thumb touches my lip. “Now, now. Don’t look at me like that, little one. Be a good boy for me like you used to be. You liked being my good boy, didn’t you?”

I freeze, his words transporting me back in time. I’m fourteen, crying into a pillow, being torn in half, wishing I could have my mom back—wanting it to be over so I could curl up in a ball and sleep. He caresses my lower lip with his thumb, a predatory smile on his face.

“What the fuck did you say to him? Get your fucking hands off him!” I hear Roman yell, and then Motel Guy is being shoved away from me.

My lower lip is burning from his touch, and I want to puke. I want to run. I want to scrub his touch away, but I can’t move. Why did he touch me? Why did he have to touch me? Why did I let him? “Holden?” I hear Julian whisper, but I can’t even turn to him. My eyes are glued on Motel Guy, his eyes lit up like he’s enjoying this.

“Holden here was always my good boy, weren’t you?” he asks, and I feel Julian tense beside me.

No, he can’t tell Julian that.

He won’t love me anymore.

He’ll know what I am. What I did. It’s going to ruin everything.

I’m not his good boy.

I’m not. I’m not. I’m not.

I want to tell Julian he’s lying. That what he’s saying about me isn’t true, but I can’t make myself. Can’t make my mouth open.

“He always did anything I asked of him. No matter what. Didn’t you, my good boy?” he says, glancing toward Julian as he does.

My stomach lurches, but I still can’t move.

No. No. No. No. Stop. He has to stop.

Before I can even blink, Julian is striding toward the guy, grabbing him by his shirt, and dragging him in close. He’s yelling, but I can’t make out his words over the sound of my blood rushing in my ears. Motel Guy tries to wrestle Julian’s hands off his shirt, and I catch sight of his thumb.

His thumb that was just pressed to my lip.

His thumb that he used to rest on my tongue, testing my gag reflex.

I bring a hand up to my mouth, rubbing my palm over the spot, trying to get it to go away. Roman pulls my hand away.

No.

Why is he doing that? I have to get his touch off me.

I have to. I have to. I have to.

It’s gross. I’m gross.

I have to get it off. Doesn’t he understand?

“Holden. Look at me,” Roman urges, and I pull my eyes from the scene before me to lock eyes with him. “You’re okay, Hold. You’re alright.”

I’m not alright. I’m not alright at all.

“Julian!” I hear Beck shout, but I don’t know where he is.

Did he leave me? He must have. I’d leave me too. I’m disgusting. Tainted. Dirty. I jerk my hand away from Roman to scrub at my lip again.

Suddenly, Julian is in front of me, pulling my hand away, cupping my face, staring into my eyes. “Let’s get you out of here.” I shake my head. No, I can’t. I have to stand up to this guy. I have to. I shove past him, taking off toward Motel Guy.

I feel Roman grab my arm, trying to hold me back as Beck steps in front of me. I don’t even have time to take a breath before Beck’s pulling his fist back and punching Motel Guy. His head snaps to the side as he grunts and falls to the ground. Beck drops onto him, straddling his stomach, swinging over and over. Until blood is slicking his hand, until Motel Guy is barely moving, until Beck is drenched in sweat and there’s blood everywhere. So much blood. Why did he do that? Not for me. I’m gross. He wouldn’t do that for me. I’m not worth that.

“Beck! Stop! It’s enough! Stop!” Roman shouts, rushing across the sidewalk to them as Julian takes over holding me back.

“I’ll have you arrested!” Motel Guy shouts when Beck finally stops hitting him.

Beck lets out a laugh that chills me to the bone. He grips Motel Guy’s chin roughly, the smile on his face as he stares at him a bit unhinged. “My dad’s the chief of police, you sick fuck. You think he’s gonna arrest me for hitting a kiddie rapist? Nice try. There’s no statute of limitations on child rape. You wanna call the cops? Let’s go. Matter fact, I’ll call them for you. I’ve got them on speed dial.”

Motel Guy’s eyes widen. Well, as much as they can through the swelling. My stomach lurches again, and this time I can’t fight back the gag. I lean over, throwing up my dinner on the sidewalk. “Fuck,” Julian says. Ugh. This is the worst. Now he sees you for who you are, Hold. A weak, pathetic fucking whore who can’t even stomach standing up to a man who used to fuck you.

I’m being lifted and tucked against a familiar chest. Julian . Why isn’t he leaving? Why is he holding me? I’m going to taint him. Doesn’t he see that? My hand finds its way to my lip. It hurts to rub it, like it’s raw, but I can’t stop. “Come on, darlin’,” he whispers, brushing my hair back and pulling my hand away from my face. “Let’s get you home.”

Tears burn the backs of my eyes, and I suck in a sharp breath. I try to force them down, but it doesn’t work. A broken sob tears from my throat as I bury my face in his chest. I know he’s going to leave, but I’ll take his comfort while I can get it.

“Our house,” I hear Roman say. “I like you. I think you’re good for him, but if you think I’m letting him out of my sight right now, you’re fucking crazy.”

“That’s where I planned to take him,” Julian says. Of course he doesn’t want to take me to his house. I wouldn’t want me there, either. I don’t blame him at all. Doesn’t stop me from clinging to him, though. If it’s the last time I get to, I want to take what I can. I want all the seconds until the second I have to give him up.

“And Beck. What the fuck were you thinking?” Roman yells. I’ve never heard him yell at Beck before. Hell, I actually don’t think I’ve ever heard him yell at all. Until tonight. Because of me.

“I was thinking about a tiny Holden being taken advantage of by a disgusting old fuck and how I couldn’t keep him safe then, but I can now.” He sounds completely unbothered, like he didn’t just beat the shit out of someone on the sidewalk.

“You’re a fucking idiot, Beck,” Roman growls. I shrink into Julian’s arms, a whimper rising from my throat at the anger in his voice. I don’t want him to be mad at Beck. I don’t want him to fight with Beck over me. I don’t deserve that.

“Cut it out. Y’all can have your spat later. You’re freaking Holden out,” Julian says. I think he’s trying to sound calm, but there’s a hint of anger in his voice. I can’t help what I did when I was a kid. I was trying to survive. I don’t want him to be mad at me because of it. I want to tell him I’m sorry, to please forgive me, to please still love me, but then he’s talking. “We’re at the cars, darlin’. I’m going to put you inside, okay?”

“No,” I croak, clinging to him harder. I’m not ready for it to be over. I don’t want him to leave me.

“Ride with us,” Roman says.

Julian hesitates. He’s probably trying to figure out how he can drop me off and run. I can’t blame him. With all the things that I let happen to me? I wouldn’t want me, either. I choke on another sob. Julian shushes me, brushing my hair back again. “It’s okay, darlin’. Okay, yeah, open the door for me, please.”

Julian adjusts me in his arms and climbs into the car. I can tell it’s awkward for him, but he manages, and then he’s pulling me in closer to him, squeezing me almost too tightly. I love it.

Please don’t let me go. Please please please.

“Hold,” Beck says. “If you’re going to be sick again, let me know and I’ll pull over, okay?”

“You’re not driving,” Roman says. “Your knuckles are busted to shit. Get in the damn passenger seat. I’ll drive.”

I hear the doors shut, and then we’re moving. Julian doesn’t loosen his grip on me, and I try to sink deeper into his embrace—try to soak it all in—to commit it to memory, so when he’s gone, I’ll have it.

His fingers find their way into my hair, and then he’s playing with the strands, massaging my scalp, touching my ears. I hear a whimper, and Julian’s hand stops moving. “Is this okay? Do you want me to stop touching you?” he asks softly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t even think that you might not want to be touched. Do you want to sit beside me instead?”

“No. Please no,” I whisper, begging. He can’t let me go. “My lip. He touched my lip.” My stomach twists. Oh, can’t think about that, or I’m gonna get sick again. But now that I’m thinking about it, I can’t stop.

His hands on me, holding my hips, spreading my ass cheeks apart. That’s my good little boy.

Fingers on my lips, down my throat, gagging me, his sweat dripping onto my skin. Be a good boy for me. You can take it.

Fingers in my hair, shoving my face onto his dick, choking me with his cum. Good boys don’t let any spill.

Pain. So much pain.

Julian brushes his fingers down my temple, like he can tell I’m not with him, but my stomach lurches. I think I’m going to be sick again.

“Pull over, Roman,” Julian says. Roman stops the car and Julian throws the door open. He sits me up, leaning me over the edge just in time for me to throw up again. “You’re okay, darlin’. It’s okay,” he whispers as he rubs circles on my back.

“Do you have water in here?” I hear Julian ask. There’s rustling, people shifting, then Julian is cradling me to his chest, holding a bottle of water to my lips. I take a sip and hold it in my mouth for a second. “Spit it out, darlin’.” Leaning over, I spit out the mouthful of water. “Here, again,” he says. I swish more water in my mouth, repeating the process until the taste of vomit is rinsed away.

I chance a look in his eyes. He’s looking at me with concern, but no anger, no hatred, no disgust. Just concern and sadness and… love? That doesn’t make any sense. How can he look at me like that? I’m disgusting. Used. Dirty.

“My lip,” I say again.

Julian brings a hand up slowly and touches his thumb to my lip in the same spot. “Just my touch, darlin’. Only mine.” I blink at him, tears dripping down my face as he uses his thumb to wipe away the old touch, leaving only his behind.

I nod. “Keep it there.” My voice sounds raspy to my own ears, thick with tears.

He pulls the door shut, never once taking his thumb off my lip. “My touch only. No one else’s, okay?” he whispers.

“We’re almost home, Hold,” Roman says, but I barely hear him, and I don’t take my eyes off Julian. I don’t want to. I can’t. I stare at him, and he stares at me, his hold on me tight. He just stares at me, while I focus on the color of his eyes and the pressure of his thumb on my lower lip. The doors are being opened, but I still don’t take my eyes off Julian. I love him so much. I hope he doesn’t leave me. I hope he still loves me too. Fresh tears well up.

He leans in, touching his lips to my forehead. “Let’s go in.”

He climbs out of the car, not once releasing his hold on me, and carries me inside. Once we make it to my room, he lays me on my bed. I cling to his shirt, not wanting him to leave. “I want to talk to Roman for a second. Can Beck stay here with you?” he asks. He doesn’t want to talk to Roman, he wants to leave. I can’t keep him here if he doesn’t want to stay. My heart cracks in my chest as I nod. Keep it together for a minute and then you can fall apart, Hold. Wait until he leaves.

I force myself to release my grip on his shirt. It wouldn’t be fair to make him stay. Not with what he saw. Not with what he knows. It wouldn’t be fair at all.

He steps back and then Beck is climbing in beside me. He doesn’t touch me. Why isn’t he touching me? He’s not as cuddly with me as Ro is, but he doesn’t usually shy away from touching me, either. Julian I understand, but Beck? I thought he was my friend. My family . Does everyone think I’m gross now? I didn’t mean to do it. I didn’t know what else to do. I was a kid. I was afraid and alone and cold. And tired. So tired. Tears spill over as Beck watches me, his eyes following their path as they pour down my cheeks.

“Will I scare you if I touch you, Hold?” he asks. His voice is shaky—thick—like he’s upset. His eyes are glassy, the usual clear blue swimming with unshed tears.

I shake my head. I don’t think he’ll scare me. I trust him. I need him to touch me. If he touches me, it means he doesn’t think I’m gross. “Come here,” he whispers, holding his arms open. I fly across the bed, pressing my body into his as his arms wrap around me. He throws a leg over my hip, pulling me in tightly to him. Again, I’m faced with the thought that this is fine. Fine, but not Julian. Julian left. I sob into Beck’s chest, grief over losing Julian and my past tearing me apart. I’m so selfish. Why can’t Beck holding me be enough?

“Shhh, you’re okay. I’ve got you,” Beck says, his voice cracking on his words.

“I want Julian,” I whisper.

“He’s in the hall with Roman, Hold. He’ll be right back.”

I shake my head, almost violently. “No, he won’t. I’m disgusting, Beck. Dirty. He doesn’t want me.”

Beck’s chest expands on a shuddering breath. “No. That’s not true at all, I promise.”

“It is,” I sob, my body starting to tremble.

“Oh, Holden. That man is so in love with you. He doesn’t think those things about you at all. No one does. You were a child. This isn’t your fault.”

“It was,” I gasp, the pain in my heart making me feel like I’m having a heart attack. “I want Julian, Beck. I want Julian.” Another sob escapes me as my teeth chatter and my body shakes violently against his.

Beck pulls back a little. “Julian!” he shouts and I flinch. He’s not here. I don’t know why he’s yelling. My bedroom door opens. I wait for Roman to tell me Julian’s not here. That he left. Why wouldn’t he? But then the bed dips behind me, and I’m being pulled from Beck’s arms and into a broad chest by strong arms.

“I’m sorry, darlin’. I needed to talk to Roman. I’m here now. I won’t leave again. I promise.”

My nose is running, so I sniffle, but it doesn’t help. I sniffle again. “I need a tissue,” I mumble. Julian tilts my head back and pulls the front of his shirt down, using it to wipe my nose, then his thumb is brushing under my eyes. “You just wiped my snot with your shirt. That’s gross.”

Julian’s lips twitch with the start of a smile. “I love you, Holden. Do you honestly believe I’m worried about a little snot?”

Shock blasts through me, stealing my breath. “Really?”

He tilts his head to the side, confusion marring his face. “Yes, really. We’ve established this.”

“But I… But I’m gross. Now you know I’m gross. You know .” I gasp, my throat threatening to close up with unshed tears.

Julian’s eyes widen. “Jesus, darlin’. Is that what you think? No. You most certainly are not.”

“I am, though. That guy, Motel Guy—”

He cuts me off. “Motel Guy is a fucking child predator, and you are a survivor. Not gross. Not dirty. Not any of the things I’m sure are running through that beautiful mind of yours. You’re perfection.”

His words make my heart sing. “You mean that?”

“Of course I do. You’re everything, darlin’.”

“I thought you were going to leave me.” My voice comes out in a cracked whisper.

“No. Of course not,” he says, dropping a kiss to my forehead. “How’s your lip?”

“Better, I think,” I whisper, thinking about the way he held his thumb there, replacing the bad touch with something good.

He nods. “Do you wanna go brush your teeth, and we can come lay back down?”

“Yeah, can I shower? I want to… I need to—” My breathing ticks up until I’m almost gasping for air.

“Shh. Yeah, darlin’. You can shower,” Julian says softly, his voice low and soothing.

“You too?” I ask. I don’t want him to leave me alone. I want him to stay with me.

He eyes me warily, indecision warring in his warm gaze. “If you’re sure.”

I nod. “Carry me?” I whisper.

“I thought you didn’t like me packing you around?” he teases. I like that he’s doing that. Teasing me. It makes me feel safer. Like he means what he says about not being grossed out by me. I don’t think I’m quite ready to laugh about the trauma this particular time, but I do really appreciate that he’s trying to keep things light for me.

“I lied. I really like you packing me around.”

He gives me a grin. “I know, darlin’. Let’s go.”

He waits patiently, holding his arms open for me, so I stand, stepping into his embrace. He slips his hands under my ass and lifts me into his arms. I lean against his body, wrapping my arms around his neck, and bury my face in his throat.

He carries me into the bathroom, sits me down on the countertop, and gets my toothbrush ready for me. “It’s strange seeing you use Dad Mode on me,” I say.

He smiles, but it’s a little sad. I don’t want to make him sad. “This isn’t Dad Mode, Hold. This is I’m In Love With You Mode.”

I hum, taking the toothbrush from him. I brush my teeth in silence as he gets the shower ready. By the time I’m done brushing, he’s standing in front of me. “Wanna get undressed?” he asks, studying my face.

I glance down at my clothes. “Can we throw them away?” I whisper. I never want to wear them again. I never want them to touch my body.

“Whatever you want.”

Julian helps me down and steps back while I strip down. He holds his hands out, and I place my clothes in them as I take them off. When I’m fully naked, he tosses the clothes into the trashcan by the toilet. “Are you sure you’re okay with me getting in with you?”

I’m standing in front of the man, completely naked while he’s fully dressed, and I have not a single drop of fear that he will hurt me. Plus, the thought of doing this alone fills me with terror. I’m scared if he leaves, the monsters will get me. “Yes. I trust you.”