Page 36 of Healed Hearts (Mended Hearts #2)

Chapter Thirty-Five

Holden

J ulian stares down at me with tears building in his eyes. “You’re not, okay?” I repeat.

He sighs and wraps his arms around me, squeezing me tightly against him. “I just don’t feel like I’m handling this well at all.”

It’s easy to hear the irritation with himself in his voice. “You are handling it.”

He laughs, but it’s sad. “I can’t even make it through a single bad situation without anxiety medication. It… it makes me feel like a bad dad.”

My heart clenches painfully. I am a little concerned that he’s taking more than prescribed. “Julian, we know bad dads. We had them. Do you really think you’re even close to that?”

“I can’t even take care of my daughter, Holden.”

Fuck, he really believes that. Or at least, he does in this moment. I’m not convinced he thinks that most of the time. Surely he has to know how fucking amazing he is. How well taken care of and loved Wren is. How in awe I am of the type of man he is in general. But especially with her. “She’s in the hospital getting a blood transfusion.”

He sighs. “I know that.”

I pull back and look up at him. “You’re missing the point. She’s in the hospital, getting what she needs. You’re doing fine.”

He shakes his head. “No. You are doing fine. You got us here. You made sure she got what she needed. Not me.”

I blink at him. How can I fix this? I’m honestly not sure. “Actually, we are doing fine. This is a partnership, right? That’s what you said. You said you wanted to raise Wren with me. That’s what this is, right? You don’t have to do life all alone anymore. Neither of us do.”

He gapes at me, like he hadn’t really considered that before. His throat bobs as tears well in his eyes. “You’re right.”

Relief floods me. Thank God. I grin up at him. “Yeah, I usually am. So remember that for any and all future disagreements.”

He tugs me back toward him with a choked laugh. “Can we sit with Wren?” His question is soft, so much pain in it that it makes my stomach hurt.

“Of course we can.”

He doesn’t let go of me for a long minute, and I don’t step away. He’s so good at giving me what I need. I hope I can be as good at giving him what he needs. And if what he needs is to stand here and collect himself, then I’m all for it.

When he pulls back, he quickly wipes his eyes. Like the last time we were here doing this same thing, I drag the love seat across the room so it’s right next to her bed. God, my life has changed so much since then. Because of the two of them.

Julian and I sit down beside each other. Wren is asleep and has been since they started the transfusion. I lean my head on his shoulder with a sigh, watching the rise and fall of her chest.

“You know,” Julian says. “When we came here before, that night I called and you came running, you laid your head on me just like this.”

“I remember. I was upset. I don’t like confrontation. But I got into it with Dr. Mays. I needed comfort.”

“I was a mess that night. You leaned against me and I thought I was going to lose it. My heart was pounding like crazy. I felt like a teenager with a crush. You were so fierce that night, defending her and fighting for her. I think I fell in love with you a little right then.”

I can’t help the small giggle that escapes at that. “Really?”

Julian grasps my thigh, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Yeah, really. Thank you, Hold. For being patient with me today. For talking me down. I’m not sure I deserve it, though.”

“Of course you deserve it. What does that even mean?”

He glances at me. “I don’t like being like this. Needy. Whatever. I like to be able to take care of things.”

I narrow my eyes at him. “You do take care of things. Hell, you’ve taken care of me. Multiple times. Even when you didn’t know you were. Like the night I yelled at Dr. Asshole. You’re one of the few people in this world I can trust. I don’t mind taking care of you too. I love it, actually.”

Julian sighs. “You break my heart sometimes, Hold,” he says, completely ignoring the last part of what I said.

I adjust so I can rest my head in his lap. The second my head lands on his thigh, he’s bringing his hands up to run them through my hair. We sit quietly together while Wren sleeps through her transfusion. I know that when she wakes, she’s going to feel so much better. Most likely going right back to her normal happy little self.

“No more broken hearts,” I whisper.

Julian pauses before letting out another little sigh and resuming his unhurried stroking of my hair. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that I found you and you found me. We have each other. No more broken hearts. At least, I hope not.”

He sighs again, but doesn’t say anything. I look up at him. He looks blank. No emotion on his face at all. I can’t even take it personally. I know that right now isn’t the time and I should probably do some reading before I go making any claims, but I think his medication is doing more harm than good. His reactions have gotten worse each time he takes it. He’s harder on himself each time, even though none of this is his fault.

Mental health is so not my specialty at all, but something about it doesn’t seem right to me. Every time he takes it, my sweet, confident Julian disappears—leaving a sad, almost depressed version of the man I love in his place. I know enough to know that is not normal.

The sound of Wren moving around pulls me from my thoughts. I sit up quickly as Julian lets his fingers fall from my hair. When she locks eyes with us, her lower lip comes out in a pout, her eyes welling with tears. Julian tenses beside me. “Aww, what’s wrong, pretty girl?” I ask, standing to sit beside her in the bed.

She climbs into my lap and settles her head against my chest, bringing her thumb to her mouth. I run my fingers through her tangled curls. “Did we pack a brush, Wren? We need to do something about these crazy curls,” I say, glancing at Julian.

He looks at us and shrugs. “Not sure. You packed the bag.” The detached monotone of his voice is almost as hollow as his eyes.

I study him for a second, wondering if I should tell him that I actually didn’t pack the bag. He did. It doesn’t seem like the right time. He’s clearly not in a good headspace, and unfortunately, there’s nothing I can do about it right now. Wren shifts against my chest, her fingers drumming absently on me. I can’t do anything about Julian right now, but I can take care of Wren. I can show him that I’m worthy of the trust he’s placed in me. “That’s okay. We can text Uncle Ro and see if he can bring us some supplies.”

I fish my phone out of my pocket and send Roman a text.

Me

Hey, can you bring me some little elastic hairbands and a comb to the hospital? We’re in room 203 on the peds floor.

His message comes through before I even have time to put my phone away.

Ro

Sure thing. Be there in twenty.

I send him a quick thank you text and turn to Julian. His eyes are on us, but not really. He’s more staring through us than anything. I’m familiar with this look. Although, I’m usually seeing it on Roman’s face. “Hey, Julian?” His eyes move slowly to meet mine. He’s sluggish. Like he’s not really with me. To be fair, he’s not. “Do you want to hold Wren for a while?”

He hesitates. “If she needs me to.”

I glance down at her. She’s fine. Content, sucking on her thumb, but I feel like he’s the one who actually needs it. Not her. Before I can offer that perspective, he’s shrugging again. “She’s fine with you. You look like you have it under control.”

I study him for a second. I don’t mind having it under control, but I’m not liking the look on his face or the emptiness in his eyes. Not at all. I nod. “Okay.”

Turning my attention back to Wren, I try to distract her. “Do you wanna play a game with me on my phone?”

“Yes,” she says, nodding slightly. I downloaded a counting game on there last week. It’s quite cool, actually. I may have played it a bit to make sure it was going to be a good game for her. I think it will be. It’s full of bright colors and a cute little voice that counts out loud each time you click on a fruit.

I adjust the hospital bed until I can sit up straight, and then I turn her in my arms so I can rest her back against my chest. After pulling up the game, I hand her the phone. It doesn’t take her long to figure out how it works. And when she starts counting out loud with it, I smile. “Wow. You’re so smart.”

She turns to grin at me. “I am. One, two, three.” Her proud little smile melts my heart.

“Can you keep going? How high can you count?”

She looks deep in thought, such a serious facial expression for such a small little person. “Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.” She pauses, clearly thinking. Then nods to herself and continues. “Eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fiveteen.”

I giggle. “Fifteen.”

She cocks her head at me. “No. Fiveteen, Holden.”

I grin. She’ll figure it out eventually. “Okay. Fiveteen it is.” I glance at Julian to see what he thinks about the adorable counting, but his face shows nothing. Not a twitch to his lips, not a frown or smile or anything. There’s just nothing. I wish there was something I could do, but right now, I can’t. Hopefully, after the transfusion is over, I can take them home and get him taken care of.

I turn my attention back to Wren. “Is that all, or can you go higher?”

“That’s all.”

I drop a kiss to the top of her head. “You did real good. Want to play some more?”

She doesn’t answer with words. Instead, she nods, turning back to the phone in her hand. She’s still counting along with the game when there’s a knock on the door and Ro walks in holding a bag in his hand. “Hey, guys. I come bearing hair care gifts.”

Wren drops the phone and looks up at him. “Hi, Unka Ro.”

He offers her a soft smile. “Well, hello there. You doing okay?”

She nods. “Playing counting on Holden’s phone.”

Ro glances at Julian. “Hey, Julian. How’s it going, man?”

Julian drags his eyes slowly to Roman, like he’s just noticed that he’s here. “It’s fine.”

Roman watches him, knowing damn well it’s not fine. He bites his lower lip, likely trying to decide if he should say something or not. I clear my throat to get his attention. He looks back at me with a frown, his eyes darting quickly to Julian before settling on me again. He raises an eyebrow, his unspoken question clear on his face. I give a subtle shake of my head.

He sighs, then plasters a smile on his face. “I picked up a couple extra things. I know you said just elastics and a comb, but then I watched a YouTube video and got some extra stuff.”

He sits down on the edge of the bed, pulling out a comb, some detangling spray, curl cream, and the elastics. After spreading everything out on the bed between us, he pulls some pink nail polish out. “I figured you could do with some pretty nails too.”

Wren giggles, taking the nail polish from his hand. “Thanks, Unka Ro.” It’s impossible to miss the excitement in her voice.

Ro laughs. “Do you want to paint my nails while Hold does your hair?”

She turns back to me as if to ask if it’s okay, so I smile at her. “That’d be fun, huh? Painting Uncle Ro’s nails?”

She nods. “Yeah, and Daddy too?”

My smile falters a bit. I glance at him. “What do you think, Daddy? Can Wren paint your nails after she’s done with Uncle Ro’s?”

His lips part on a shaky inhale, but he nods. It’s not much, but I’ll take it.

Turning my attention back to Wren, I settle her on the bed in front of me. Ro helps her open the bottle of nail polish, laying his hand on his thigh so she can start working on his nails as I spritz her hair with the detangling spray. I work the comb gently through her knotted curls, careful not to hurt her. She doesn’t flinch, so I must be doing a good job. It’s been a long time since I’ve done this. Not since I did all the girls’ hair in Sunday school with my parents about a year before I got kicked out, honestly.

Wren cautiously paints Roman’s nails, getting more on his skin than his actual nail, while I start sectioning off her hair and working the cream through the strands. She’s calm while I start braiding. I don’t want to be overzealous since I’m so out of practice, but my fingers seem to remember what to do because by the time she’s finished Roman’s nails, I’ve got half her braids done.

“All done,” she declares.

Roman holds his hands up, inspecting the work. “Wow. You did a good job. They look amazing. Uncle Beck is going to be so jealous.”

He gives her an indulgent grin that has her giggling, then she turns to look at Julian. “Daddy! Your turn.”

Roman gets up, offering his spot to Julian. After a brief hesitation, he takes it. Ro clears his throat. “Well, I’m going to head down and say hi to Beck, then I’m gonna head home.”

“Tell him I said hey.” I know I should probably tell him I’m moving out and into Julian’s, but it doesn’t seem like the best time, so I bite my tongue. There will be plenty of time to tell him later.

Roman smiles, his worried eyes shooting back to Julian. “If you guys need anything at all, please call me. I’ll be here.”

My eyes find Julian. He’s not looking at me. He’s glancing down at the hand that Wren is currently covering in hot pink nail polish. “Thanks, Ro. We will. Love you.”

“Love you too, Hold.” Then he’s walking out the door.

With another glance at Julian, I go back to Wren’s hair. I ended up doing a more intricate style than I thought I would, the braids zigzagging across the top of her head. She looks adorable, and her hair is off her face. Plus, she should be able to get at least a week out of them, so it’ll be a bonus that I can do it when she’s in the hospital for her transplant. Not that her hair is ever a mess. Julian takes great care of her curls. Whether he learned that from Maya or he just figured it out on his own, I’m not sure.

“Thanks, Wren. Daddy loves them.” Julian’s voice startles me. It’s a little flat, but I do love that even though he’s clearly not in a good headspace, he’s still trying to be present for her. He’s such a good fucking dad. I wish I could make him see what I see—what Wren clearly sees as she beams at him, pride and adoration written all over her face.

“Welcome, Daddy,” she says, grinning at him like he hung the stars.

His lips quirk up in the barest hint of a smile, but almost as soon as it’s there, it’s gone again. With a heaving sigh, he stands and moves back to the couch.

I get Wren situated with my phone again, YouTube this time, while I try to figure out what I’m going to do about this man.

Talking to him about changing his medication is definitely on my list. I’m still not sure if this is a reaction to his medicine, but at any rate, if it’s something that he’s going to need frequently, he needs to be on something he can safely take every day.

Cuddling him and taking care of him for a change is going to be first on my list. He’s always so sweet and attentive, now it’s my turn to give back to him. If I can give him even a sliver of what he’s given me, I’ll be happy. He deserves the world and I want to give it to him. I want to give him everything. Fuck, I love him.

They wanted to keep us for a few hours after Wren’s transfusion was over to monitor her, and by the time we got home, it was late. Late enough that I was half-tempted to order pizza, but I figured I better not. So after I made a quick dinner of frozen chicken tenders, mac and cheese, and broccoli that I didn’t eat, but Wren devoured, I took point in getting her ready for bed.

She was animated, talking about her day, showing off her nails to me for the fiveteenth time, telling me about how she wanted to paint Unka Beck’s too. I don’t have the deep drawl that her daddy does, but when she asked me to sing to her, I couldn’t say no. It took her no time at all to fall asleep.

Now, I get to take care of her daddy. With a kiss to her head, I make my way back to Julian.

He doesn’t even flinch when I sit down beside him. “Jules.” He turns his head to look at me. The nothingness in his eyes is breaking my heart. “Come on. Let’s go to bed.”

He nods, standing when I do to follow me to the bedroom.

We strip down in silence, and then we’re climbing into bed together. In a rare change of events, I open my arms to him. He looks at me in confusion for a second before scooting forward and resting his head against my chest. I bury one hand in his hair and place the other on his back, holding him to me. He lets out a shuddering breath that I can feel all the way to my toes.

He sniffles, the sound pitiful and weak. “Don’t think I can do this, Hold.”

My heart constricts. “You’re wrong, Jules. You can.” He shakes his head and I feel wetness on my bare skin. “Look at me.”

He shakes his head. I don’t force it. I let my fingers trail idly up and down his back as he cries against me. The worst kind of tears. No gasping or theatrics. No sobs. No indication of what’s happening at all except for the soft hitch in his chest every few minutes. “You’re the best dad.”

Another shake of his head. I gently tug on his hair. “You are, though. You’re so attentive and kind. Patient. You go above and beyond for her. She trusts you so much. She looks at you with stars in her eyes.”

He’s quiet. Not that I need him to speak. I just need him to know. “Her being sick isn’t your fault. She’s going to get through this. And so are you. You’re so strong. So capable. She’s a lucky little girl to have you. Watching you with her heals my inner child a little. I won’t lie.”

I pull him in a little closer, and he gets the hint, throwing his leg over mine and burying himself deeper in my embrace. “Can you look at me now?” I ask softly.

Slowly, he tilts his head back, his deep brown eyes finding mine. They’re wet with tears and full of so much sadness, it almost splits my heart in two. Pulling my hand from his hair, I wipe his tears away with my thumb, letting my touch linger on his cheekbones. “You’re not alone. I’m here. You can get through this and I’ll be here every step of the way.”

He closes his eyes, leaning into my touch the slightest bit. I trace mindless patterns on his back, trying to soothe him. He makes a sad little sound low in his throat. “Holden,” he whispers, my name almost like a soft prayer on his lips. “I was wrong before. I said I could do this alone and I… I don’t think I can.”

His chest hitches again, more tears falling from his closed eyes. I brush them away too, leaning in to press a kiss to his forehead. I stay there for a second, letting my lips rest against him, trying to infuse him with strength and love. When I pull back, he opens his eyes. “You don’t have to. I’m right here.”

I roll to my side, pulling him into me. It’s a little awkward considering how much bigger he is than me, but I eventually get us in a comfortable position. If my arm isn’t asleep before I am, I’ll be surprised, but I’ll suffer just about any amount of discomfort to make sure he’s okay—that he feels safe and loved.

As I hold him in my arms, his body gets heavier. The tears don’t stop, though. Not even when the weight of his exhaustion pulls him under. “I love you, Julian. You are one of the best people I’ve ever met. I’m so thankful to have you. You mean everything to me.” I’m not sure if he can even hear me, but I’d like to think that I can speak good things into his subconscious at any rate.

When I finally start to doze off, it’s to the soft sounds of his breathing and the weight of his body against mine.