Page 28 of Healed Hearts (Mended Hearts #2)

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Holden

I t’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real.

“You’re okay, Hold,” Roman says.

My chest is burning, though. And I can’t really breathe, and my throat is aching like I’ve been yelling, and I’m crying and nothing feels very okay. Nothing feels very okay at all. It’s been so long since I’ve had a nightmare. I thought they were gone. Why did they come back? Does Motel Guy really have that much power over me still?

I choke on a sob, burying my face in my knees. Julian. Julian was here. Where’s Julian? I pop my head up, eyes frantically searching for him. He’s sitting on the ground a few feet away from me, staring at me. I can’t believe he saw that. He doesn’t deserve this. I don’t deserve him. I’m so fucked up. I groan, dropping my face back to my knees, hiding from all of them. “Leave,” I force out. “All of you. Get out.” I’m drowning in shame and pain, and I don’t want or need an audience. They can all get the fuck out.

Roman sighs. “Please don’t make us leave, Hold.”

“Get out, Roman. I don’t want you here. I don’t want any of you here.”

Julian makes a soft sound, but I don’t dare lift my eyes. I want to. I want to so badly I can feel it in my chest. An incessant ache that nothing can fix. Nothing but him. But I can’t. I can’t look at his face, or I’m going to beg—beg him to stay, beg him to hold me and keep me safe. “Get the fuck out!” I yell, my voice cracking.

Finally, I hear them moving, and then the door is being shut. I lift my head, peeking around the room. They all left. Even Julian. Pain spikes in my chest. I can’t even be mad at him, though. I’m all, “Fuck you, respect my boundaries.” And he does. He did . Just once, though, I’d like someone to fight for me. To stare into the demons in my mind and stand up against them.

I don’t even get back into bed. Lying down on the hard floor, I curl up into a small ball, and cry. Sobs rip from my chest as the weight of everything crushes me, as the memories filter through my mind. Why did I think standing up to him was a good idea? I’m such a fucking idiot. I guess I figured I’d taken so much of my life back that it would be safe. He was a monster I had slain in my mind, and I wanted to slay him in the real world, but this isn’t a fairy tale, and I’m no brave warrior. I’m nothing more than a stupid man who still doesn’t know better.

Why did I do that? Why? I should have ignored him. Kept walking. Kept talking about the wedding. Pretended he didn’t exist. Like I do with all the others.

I cry until I have no tears left, until I’m empty. Empty and hollow and miserable. I don’t even know how much time has passed. I pull Julian’s shirt up, using it to wipe my nose and my eyes. Fuck, everything hurts. Forcing myself to my feet, I crawl back into bed.

I bury my face in the pillow Julian was using, sucking in his scent like it’ll somehow make me feel better. I know one thing that would make me feel better. Him. The real him—not the fading bits of his scent—his strong arms, his warmth, his soft touch, his concern and love. I told him to go, though. And he did.

If he had fought me, I would have given in. I would have collapsed in his arms and let him chase away the monsters. But he didn’t. Probably counting his lucky stars that I asked him to leave, probably couldn’t get out of here fast enough.

Fresh tears well up in my eyes. Huh, guess I’m not all cried out after all. I really need to be held. I wonder if Ro would be mad if I went to his room. He never has before. He’s always given me space before when I needed it, and welcomed me with open arms when I was ready. He’s never had Beck when I’ve gotten like this. But Beck was the one who came in and held me earlier, and he’s also let me sleep in bed with them. I didn’t stay the whole night with them, of course, because Julian came.

Julian .

A whimper rises in my throat. Why did I tell him to leave?

“ I was tired of crying alone in my bed like a sad sack ,” he had said that night when he showed up. Now I’m the sad sack crying alone in my bed, but the man I love left me. That’s not fair, though. I told him to go, and he did. I can’t be upset with him for that.

Be scared with him.

I don’t know if I can be, Ro. I want to be. But I don’t know if I can. I roll over, grabbing my phone. It’s just after 3:00 a.m.

What did Julian say? If the man I love is gonna run from me, I’m damn well gonna chase him down? Is that what I should do? Should I go to Julian? Is he going to be mad at me? Is he going to turn me away if I do?

What if he does? If I go to him, and he turns me away, am I going to recover from that? He says he loves me. I believe him. I trust him. But what if he breaks my trust? What if he hurts me? Not physically. I know he wouldn’t do that. But emotionally, that’s something else entirely.

I love him and I want him. I want him to keep me safe and hold me. I need him to hold me. More tears drench my face, my stomach twisting and my heart aching. I shouldn’t have told him to leave.

I’m not sure I have the answer to any of my questions, though, and that scares me. Would I forgive myself? Probably not. But am I the best judge of that right now? Also, probably not. I’m not feeling particularly nice to myself at the moment. I look at my phone again. 3:42 a.m.

Fuck. How did I lose half an hour? I lay the phone back down. Part of me wants to text Julian and tell him I’m sorry, but I’m scared. If he doesn’t forgive me, I don’t know what I’m going to do. It’s probably better to leave him alone. But I don’t want to.

I pick my phone back up, opening my messages with Julian. The last one he sent me was a picture of Wren with a kissy face emoji, telling me they missed me and couldn’t wait for me to come home from work. Tears burn my eyes, my fingers hovering over the keys.

I type and backspace and type again.

Me

I’m sorry. Are you mad at me?

I hit send before I can talk myself out of it. He’s probably already asleep anyway, so it’s likely I won’t get a response until later. I’m proven wrong when my phone buzzes.

Julian

You have nothing to apologize for. Of course I’m not mad at you.

I stare at his message, reading it over and over. The three dots that show he’s typing pop up and go away repeatedly, before finally stopping all together. I wait to see if a message is going to come through, but nothing does.

Me

I’m sorry I made you leave. Do you forgive me?

The dots appear again, and I hold my breath, waiting to see what he says.

Julian

Nothing to forgive, darlin’. Are you feeling better?

I’m not feeling better at all. I want him. I need him. I shouldn’t have made him leave. I climb from the bed and look around the room. My shoes are by the closet. He came to me when he was sad. It’s my turn to be brave and go to him. I sit down on the floor, and pull my shoes on.

Me

If I come to your house, will you turn me away? I need you.

I don’t get a response for a second, and it worries me, but before I can let myself dwell, I stand and head toward the door. Two steps into the hallway, I’m being swept off my feet. I gasp, fear swooping in my stomach. “Darlin’.” The low rumble of Julian’s voice soothes me instantly. He presses his face against my hair and inhales deeply.

He’s here. He didn’t leave.

He stayed. He stayed. He stayed.

“You didn’t leave,” I whisper.

“Of course I didn’t leave. Roman and I were sitting on the couch. I wasn’t going to leave you. Never. He told me sometimes you need space. I was giving you space, but the living room was as far as I was willing to go. Not sorry.”

I let out a wet laugh that quickly turns into hysterical crying. “Fuck, I’m such a goddamn mess,” I sob, hot embarrassment rushing through my body.

Julian chuckles. “My beautiful goddamn mess, though. So it’s all good. Let’s go say goodnight to Roman and go back to bed, yeah?”

I sniffle. “Okay, yeah.”

Julian packs me down the hallway, and when we cross the threshold, Roman is smiling at us. He looks exhausted, and a pang of guilt hits me in the chest. “Hey, Hold. Are you okay?”

Julian places me on the couch. Against my will, I might add. It’s okay, though. I use the opportunity to lean into Roman, who brings his arms up to wrap around me. “I’m okay, I think.”

“I’m glad. Therapy, Hold.”

“Ugh. I hate therapy.”

“I know you do, and I’m going to tell you the same thing you tell me. Non-negotiable. Get a session booked.”

“Fine.” I haven’t had a therapy session in years. I was pretty sure I didn’t need it anymore. I told Ro way back when that he should talk to someone, and he said only if I did too. But he kept talking to his therapist after I had deemed myself cured and healed. Not all that healed, I guess. He gives me a final squeeze and a forehead kiss before releasing me.

Roman stands, quickly pulling Julian into a hug, and I watch as Julian’s face shifts from shock to relief. Ro’s good at that. Making you feel safe and calm. Not as good as Julian is, but hey, we can’t all be perfect. Besides, it’s not like he can hug himself.

Roman pulls a page from Beck’s dad’s book. He never lets go first. He always lets you break the hug, letting you take what you need from him without cutting you off. The hug goes on for a long time, and even though I know that Roman is tired and most definitely wants to get back to Beck, he doesn’t drop his arms until Julian clears his throat and steps back. “I’ll see you two in the morning,” Roman says, turning on his heel and taking off down the hall.

Julian stares after him. “Is he always like that?”

“Kind and caring with the biggest heart in the entire world? Yeah, pretty much. Kinda sickening, huh? How one person who went through so much could be so fucking pure and kind after it all?”

Julian sits down beside me on the couch and pulls me onto his lap. I lean into him, laying my head on his shoulder. “You’re the same way, darlin’. Such a good fucking person.”

I don’t really feel like a great person right now, but I figure I should keep that to myself.

Julian makes that easy to do when he whispers, “I really like your friends. They seem like great guys. It’s clear how much they love you.”

“Yeah, they’re pretty great. I’m… I’m sorry about before.”

Julian nuzzles my hair. “I already told you. Nothing to be sorry for.”

“I know. But… did I yell at you? I don’t remember much, but I feel like I yelled at you.”

He hums. “You did, but that’s okay. You weren’t actually yelling at me. You were stuck. I didn’t take it personally. I’m glad Beck beat the hell out of that guy, though.”

“Yeah, me too,” I whisper. I remember wondering once, after the first time I met Julian, what Beck would do if someone hurt me. I figured there was no way he was going to wreck his life for mine. Why would he? But I guess he proved me wrong. “Does it make me a bad person that I’m happy he fought for me?”

“Darlin’, I don’t think you could be a bad person if you tried.”

“Can we go back to bed?” I ask.

“Of course. Do you want to walk?”

“Not really.”

His deep chuckle washes over me, and I find myself smiling for the first time all night. A real smile. A smile that feels like me. He saw my worst. He saw my nightmares, and he’s still here. Still holding me. He stands and takes off down the hall.

We slip back into bed, and I lay on my side, my head resting on his bicep like a pillow, my body flush with his and his other arm wrapped around my waist.

“Hey, Julian?” I ask, my voice soft.

“Yes?”

“Can I kiss you?”

Julian pulls back, searching my eyes in the dark. “Are you sure? I don’t want to bring up bad memories.”

“How can it?” I whisper. “My only memories are of you.”

He groans, pulling me in close, and softly presses his lips to mine. I don’t want more. And I think he knows that because even though we both get hard, neither of us does anything about it. We just kiss. Softly, slowly, his tongue stroking over mine, his hand tangled in my hair, mine pressed against his chest. We kiss and kiss until my stomach is full of butterflies and my body is tingling with all the good feelings. The darkness recedes in the comfort of his arms, in his taste, in the feel of his lips moving with mine.

“I love you so much,” I whisper into the kiss, catching his returning smile with my lips.

“I love you, too,” he responds.

We kiss for what feels like hours. My closed eyes grow heavy, our lips slowing until they’re resting against each other’s, connected but not actively moving.

Is he asleep? I think he is. Judging by the even rise and fall of his chest under my palm, he’s definitely asleep.

Should it offend me that he fell asleep kissing me? I giggle and he jolts awake. “Fuck, I’m sorry.”

“You fell asleep kissing me,” I say, giggling again, happiness bubbling in my chest.

“Hey, you fall asleep on me all the time, darlin’,” he grumbles, tugging me in closer to him. “It was time I returned the favor.”

“I don’t fall asleep kissing you, though.”

He opens an eye, peering at me like he’s trying to figure out if I’m actually mad. I’m not. I’m grinning at him. I can’t help it. No one has ever chased away the monsters in my head like he has. “Fuck, Hold. You have no idea how beautiful that smile of yours is.” That makes me smile wider. He lets out a little breath, and then he’s tugging me forward, kissing me again. It doesn’t last long, and then he’s pulling back. “We should get some sleep. Do you want to go with me to get Wren in the morning? I’ve got to run by the house and get some clothes and stuff.”

“Why do you need clothes and stuff?”

“Well, because we can’t very well stay here for a couple of days without something to change into, you know?”

My breath catches. “You guys are going to come stay here for a couple of days?”

He nods. “Yeah, I need you. And you need Roman and Beck, so here will be home base, at least until you feel better.”

I don’t even know what to say to that. I’m so thankful for him. “I need you too, you know? And I feel a lot better already.”

“I’m glad, but I still want you to be around your support system for now. I think it’s important. Plus, it’s a guarantee Roman will lose his mind if I try to take you away right now.”

Yeah, he honestly probably will. He’s always worried about me. To be fair, I worry about him too. I’m not the only one with nightmares. I nod. “Okay, sleep time. Almost time to get my Wren.” I pause, replaying my words. “Not mine, of course. You know what I mean, right? I know she’s not actually mine,” I ramble. Julian cuts off my spiral with his lips on mine.

By the time he pulls back, I’m breathless. “She could be yours. If we’re together, and we’re doing the future thing, which, I’ll be honest, is what I want. Then she would be yours too.”

His words almost make me forget how to breathe. I guess I never looked at it like that before. Didn’t consider that if I stayed with Julian, I would essentially be Wren’s other parent. “Do you want more kids?” I ask.

Julian hums. “I used to, but then I was a single parent. But if I wasn’t a single parent anymore, I’d definitely want more,” he says pointedly.

“With me?” I ask softly, almost too softly for him to hear.

“Of course with you, Holden. You’ll make the most amazing dad. Soft and kind and compassionate. I’d be lucky to have you as my partner in life and love and parenting.”

That’s way too much for me to process right now, so I don’t even try. But it does make me smile. I close my eyes, snuggling into Julian’s chest, and fall asleep thinking about our future. And for the first time in a long time, I feel hope for it.

When I wake up with the sun streaming into my room, I’m still encased in the warmth of Julian’s arms. I feel a little emotionally wrung out, and a little sad that I couldn’t stand up for myself, but I’m still happy overall. Roman is right that I probably should talk to my therapist. It’s been too long and between everything happening in my personal life and my professional life, it wouldn’t be the worst thing to talk to her. But this is not how things usually go for me. I rarely wake up mostly okay after being triggered that badly and having a nightmare on top of it.

I tilt my head back, just enough to look at Julian. He’s completely lost in sleep—face relaxed, lips slightly parted, lashes fanning across his cheeks. He stayed. He stayed for me. I pushed him away, and he didn’t run. I guess, in a way, he did stay to fight my monsters. He gave me the space I asked for and respected my boundaries, but then the second I realized I wanted him, he was right there. Ready for me. My heart thuds heavily at the thought.