Page 30 of Healed Hearts (Mended Hearts #2)

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Holden

M y mind is racing. I’m freaking out. I think I’m more nervous now than I was when I kissed Julian for the first time. I’m so fucking nervous that I haven’t been able to keep up the facade. Roman and Julian both are seeing right through me. I’m not used to that. It makes me feel… exposed. I’m not a fan.

Julian pulls his arm from around my back. “Let me get her into bed.”

I nod, scared that if I open my mouth, my thoughts are going to come flying out. The second Julian stands and his warmth is gone from my side, a rush of anxious energy washes over me. My fingers start tapping against my thigh and my throat goes dry.

Ro reaches over, patting me on the leg. I lock eyes with him and he quirks a brow at me. I nod at him, trying to let him know without words that I’m okay, before turning my attention to Julian as he carefully tucks Wren into her sleeping bag inside the tent.

Roman sits back, turning to Beck with a fake yawn. “I’m tired, baby. You ready for bed?”

Beck pulls his attention from the TV. Who knew he would be into Disney movies? “Yeah, sure thing, beautiful.” He stands, pulling Ro up with him. “We’ll see you guys in the morning.”

Julian settles back beside me on the couch. “Night, guys. Thanks for everything.”

Ro gives him a salute and Beck tells him no worries, and then they’re taking off down the hallway.

The second they’re out of sight, Julian is gently gripping my chin and tilting my face to his. “What’s wrong?” The anxiety is clear in his expression, and it makes my heart plummet. I didn’t mean to worry him.

“Not here. Not in front of Wren.”

He glances toward the tent. “She’s asleep.”

“I know. But… please?”

He sighs. “Okay. Let’s go then, Hold. You’re kinda freaking me the fuck out a little.”

Fuck. I don’t want to freak him out. This isn’t anything bad. Or at least, I don’t think so. I mean, it’s making me freak the hell out, sure. But it shouldn’t be affecting him that way. I wish I could hide from him better—in moments like this, anyway.

He stands, pulling me up with him. Oh fuck. We’re going to the bedroom. It’s the moment of truth. My stomach is a fucking mess and my head is even worse.

The second we step into the bedroom, I’m pacing. With all the distractions of the night, I’ve managed to keep myself in check, mostly. But now? Now, I’m losing it.

“Hold, are yo—”

“I want you to top me,” I blurt out, interrupting Julian’s sentence. He freezes in place, hands halfway to me in the air like he was reaching for me before I started talking, but says nothing. Oh my God. Why isn’t he talking? It’s good, Hold. All good. Stay calm. “You did the thing with your thumb, right? And you washed Motel Guy’s touch away. Wiped it right off. And I thought, well, what if you could do that in other ways?”

I pause, waiting to see if he’s going to talk. He doesn’t, and it makes me spiral further. “I want it gone, you know? And he was… he was the last person who touched me like that.” I stop to take a deep breath. “I don’t want that. I want you to touch me like that. I need it, I think. Can you… can you do that for me?” Stop talking, Holden.

I look back at Julian again, willing him to say something. Anything.

He swallows hard. Once, twice, three times. Then he drops his hands.

He doesn’t want to touch me anymore?

“I don’t, um, Holden… I’m not sure that’s…” His voice trails off and my breathing speeds up.

“Please. I need him gone. He won’t go away on his own. You… you made him go away before. I know you can do it again. Please.”

He shakes his head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

My knees threaten to give out. He’s rejecting me. What the fuck. Devastation and anger war for control of my heart. In the end, it’s the anger that wins. “What the fuck, Julian. Why not?”

His mouth drops open, clearly shocked at my change in demeanor. I can’t stop myself, though. The walls are crashing in, my shame swallowing me whole. Is he disgusted by me? He has to be. Why else would he tell me no? “This is bullshit, Julian. I trusted you. I fucking trusted you. All that shit you spewed was bullshit, huh? What is it then? Sticking around because you feel bad for me? Because I can help you with Wren? Is that what this is? Keep me around, even though you’re disgusted by me, so I can help with your daughter?” I know that’s not true. I know it’s not. Shut the fuck up, Holden.

He lets out an incredulous laugh. “Wow. Is that really what you think of me?”

I wave my hands in front of me. “What else am I supposed to think?”

“Wow,” he repeats.

Stop, Holden. Take it back. Tell him you’re sorry. “Well?” I ask, irritation dripping from my voice. I know I’m losing it. I know he doesn’t deserve this, but I can’t stop it.

He stares at me like he doesn’t even know who I am. Panic is clawing at my chest, making my heart feel like it’s about to explode.

His voice is low when he finally speaks, the hurt in it piercing my heart. “I’m really disappointed and hurt that you would accuse me of that. I know logically that this is your defense mechanism. I’m trying to convince myself that you don’t truly think those things of me. That you really don’t think so little of me you’d accuse me of what? Keeping you around for my kid? I love you, Holden. And I want a future with you. But I survived as a single dad for years without you. And if something is wrong with Wren, it will suck to manage it alone, but I managed when Maya died just fine. I won’t lie and say it will be easy, but I can do it alone.”

His words sound like a goodbye, and it’s making me feel like I’m being ripped apart. “What are you saying? Are you… are you leaving me?” My anger is quickly losing its steam, panic and desperation taking its place.

“ What? Jesus, Holden. No. I’m only telling you how I feel.” He’s not looking at me. Why isn’t he looking at me? Oh god, I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked up.

I can’t breathe. My chest is burning. Oh fuck. I can’t breathe.

I have to get out of here. I have to go. I can’t stand here looking at him when he can’t even make eye contact with me. I make it two steps toward the door, and I’m being pulled backward, until my back is pressed into Julian’s upper body, and his arms are wrapped tightly around my heaving chest. “Breathe, darlin’. You’re okay. Breathe.”

I gasp, trying to, but I can’t. Oh God. I’m ruining everything. A sob catches in my throat as tears burn my eyes. Julian doesn’t release his hold on me. “Shhh, you’re okay. It’s okay. Breathe. Deep breaths for me.”

I try again, inhaling sharply, my vision going blurry when I fail yet again to get enough air. “Holden, listen to me. You’re okay. Breathe, darlin’. In for four like you did with me, yeah?”

I nod, trying to focus on the steady rise and fall of his chest. “Your face,” I gasp. I need to see him. I need to see his face. I need to look into his eyes. His eyes won’t lie. He won’t lie either, Holden. Get control of yourself.

He turns me instantly in his hold, gripping me under my legs, and lifting me up. Taking a couple of steps back, he sits on the edge of the bed with me on his lap. His hands come up to hold my face, his touch gentle, thumbs making little circles on my cheekbones. Finally, his eyes lock on mine. He doesn’t look mad or disgusted. He looks a little hurt, and a lot worried. I stare into his eyes, following his exaggerated breaths, until my own return to normal.

“There we are. There’s my Holden. You’re okay.” His voice is kind. Endlessly patient.

Something about it tickles my brain. “Are you gentle-parenting me right now?”

Julian lets out a startled laugh. “What? Of course not. I’m comforting you. Letting you know everything’s okay—because it is. This is love and connection, Hold. That’s all. You’re upset, and I’m taking care of you.”

I slump forward, dropping my forehead to his shoulder as the tears finally come at the heels of my adrenaline crash. He wraps his arms around me, holding me tightly to him. “I’m sorry.” My voice is a broken whisper.

He runs a hand up my back and slips his fingers into my hair. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay. I’m awful.”

He tsks. “You are so far from being awful, darlin’. I promise it’s okay. We’re okay. I’m here. I’m not leaving. I’ve got you, okay?”

I nod, more tears dampening his shirt. “You still love me?”

“Of course I do.”

“I didn’t mean what I said.”

He sighs, and it makes my stomach clench. “I know you didn’t.”

“I’m sorry,” I say again, a broken sob tearing from my chest.

“Shhh. It’s okay. I forgive you.”

His words are like a balm to my soul, but there’s still a splinter in my heart, dipping deeper with each second that passes. I have to dig it out. I have to find out why . “I just… I want to try. Why won’t you let me try? Do you think I’m gross?”

He chuckles. “No. I don’t think you’re gross at all.”

I lift my head, knowing I’m probably a snotty, tear-soaked mess. “Then why?” He brings a hand up to brush my tears away, then wipes my nose before dragging his hand over his shirt. I’m a fucking mess. Here I am, asking this man to have sex with me, and he’s wiping my nose like I’m a child. “That doesn’t gross you out?”

“No, darlin’. Nothing about you grosses me out. Not your past. Or your trauma. Not even that fucking fight or flight you have, that has you yelling at me one second and ready to run the next.”

I drop my eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“So you’ve said. I’ve already forgiven you, though.”

I’m thankful for that, but I certainly don’t deserve it. I never lash out at Roman like this. I don’t understand why I’m acting this way. I’m scared to talk anymore. I don’t want to make things worse than I already have. What if he had left? What if he had grabbed Wren and run away from me? What would I have done then? All because I let my mouth get the best of me. Because I couldn’t be honest about how I was feeling. Because I felt like he was rejecting me, deciding that I wasn’t good enough. Instead of just being vulnerable with him, I fought with him—said awful, hurtful things I didn’t mean. If he did decide to leave me, I’d deserve it. I deserve every bad thing that happens to me.

“Calm down, darlin’. You’re getting yourself all worked up again.” Julian’s hands rub circles on my back as I force deep breaths into my lungs and try to get my heart rate back under control. “I don’t think topping you is a good idea because I’m not sure you can handle it.”

“But… I trust you. You won’t hurt me.” I believe that with my whole heart. In a way I’ve believed nothing else.

“I know you trust me, and I’m so thankful for that gift. But I’m going to be honest, okay? And I need you to try really hard not to freak out. Can you do that?” He pauses so I can answer, so I nod. I mean, I can do my best at any rate. “I’m scared.”

What? That makes no sense. What does he have to be scared of?

“I’m scared I’ll trigger you. And break the trust we have. I’m scared that you’re asking for this for the wrong reasons. I’m scared that you’re not really thinking it through.”

“I am, though,” I interject. “I promise I am. I’ve been thinking about it all night. It’s… it’s not the first time I’ve thought about it, actually.”

He nods slowly. “Okay. I believe you. And if you had mentioned this a week ago? This would be a completely different conversation, yeah? But you brought it up twenty-four hours after confronting your past in a really ugly way. The way you phrased your request feels like you’re asking for the wrong reasons, and frankly, I’m uncomfortable with that.”

His words are like a blast shooting through my body. “Uncomfortable with it?” I ask, needing clarification.

“Yes. Remember that talk we had about mutual boundaries?” I nod. “This is one of mine. I don’t feel comfortable engaging in a sexual situation with you that I don’t feel you truly want. That’s a hard line for me.”

“But I do truly want it. I want to try anyway. How can I convince you?”

He sighs, and I feel the weight of it in my gut. “I’m not opposed entirely, but—”

I interrupt him. “So you’ll do it?”

He taps me on the nose. “Hang on, Hold. Let me finish, okay?” I nod, so he continues. “This is not a no. It’s a no for right now. I want you to think about it. Topping is not something I need to have, okay? I’m vers, with no real preference. I’m not missing out on anything. I want you to think about it. Hard. Weigh the pros and cons. Talk to Roman. Or Beck. Whoever you’re most comfortable with. You can even talk to me about it if you’d prefer. I want you to think about it, and if you still feel this way next week, we can try.”

Hope rises in my chest. “Really?”

He hesitates, searching my face. Then he sighs. “Yes, really. But I have other things I want first.”

My stomach drops out. “Like… what?”

“Like, I don’t feel comfortable jumping straight to full-on penetrative sex. If this is something you want, we need to start slow. We need to build up to that. Do other things to test your reactions. I won’t be the reason you spiral.”

“Okay, what other things?”

His cheeks flush, then he licks his lips. For some reason, it sends a wave of heat through my body. “Well, I can use my fingers. Or you can sit on my face. Both, actually. I’d prefer both.”

My jaw drops open. “ Those are your requirements?” I assumed it was going to be like a therapy session or a heart-to-heart with Roman.

“Yeah, if we’re going to explore your body in a way that could be triggering to you, I want to do it in a way that allows us to move slowly. It’s important to me. So those are my boundaries. I want you to think about it for a week. And I won’t go straight into it. We need to build up to it.”

“What the hell, though? Because we jumped straight into it with you.”

He gives me what I can only describe as a Disapproving Dad look. “Holden. I know damn well you are not trying to compare my very standard relationship with sex to the things you’ve gone through.”

Well, okay, when he says it like that, it makes sense. “Okay. Fair.”

He shakes his head, his lips turning up in a soft smile. “You’re a hot mess, Hold. You know that?”

I sigh. Yeah, I really am. I’m just glad he stuck it out with me. “I really am sorry for the things I said.”

He smiles. “I know. Stop apologizing. It’s offensive.”

“Offensive? How so?”

“Because I’ve already forgiven you and I can’t stand to watch the man I love beat himself up.”

“I’m not doing it on purpose. My head can be a real dick.”

Julian reaches up to cup my face, his touch tender. Fuck, I am so lucky. “I know, darlin’. It’s okay, though.”

I’m not sure that it is, and I feel like shit for lashing out at him. As I should because he doesn’t deserve that. He’s never been anything but respectful, always honoring my boundaries… speaking of. “Sitting on your face, though? That’s…”

He hums. “That’s hot, is what that is. But only if you want to. You know I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to do.”

“I know.” I let my mind wander a bit, trying to picture it. I’ve never had it done to me before. I mean, sure. I know it’s a thing that people do and enjoy. But it’s definitely not something I ever thought I’d try. I close my eyes, leaning my face into Julian’s touch as I think about straddling his head, his arms gripping my thighs, holding me against him while his tongue…

Julian chuckles, dragging me back to reality. I narrow my eyes at him. “What’s so funny?”

“You are. Must be some good thoughts you’re having.”

I mean, yeah, they really fucking are. I have to get us back on track, though. “Yeah, okay. I’m definitely good with your plan.”

Leaning in, Julian brushes a soft kiss to my lips. “Plans can change, yes? You can say yes now and say no later. You can say no halfway through. You know that, right?” I nod, eyes wide. I’ve never met anyone quite like him before. “Good. This only works if you’re honest with me about your limits and your comfort levels.”

“I’ll be honest about how I’m feeling. I promise.”

“Good.” He nuzzles my jaw, dropping kisses to my skin. His lips are warm and so soft, and it’s making my stomach flip.

“Can we do the face sitting thing first?” I blurt out, my cheeks heating at my inability to keep my thoughts inside.

Julian chuckles, his warm breath fanning across my jaw and neck. “We can do whatever you want. But not tonight. I want you to make sure you’re really sure. It’s late, and Wren will wake up at the butt crack of dawn.”

I sigh. “Okay. Do I have to wait a week for that?”

“Hmm, I think we can try other stuff in the meantime, while you’re thinking about if you’re sure. Honestly, it wouldn’t hurt to because then you’ll have a better idea of what to expect.”

His words have me squirming in his lap. Honestly, I’m a little turned on. I’m kind of… excited. But, also a little anxious. “And if I don’t like it?”

“Then we stop.” Julian’s answer is quick and decisive, with no hesitation at all, and it eases a lot of my anxiety, leaving mostly excitement. “Let’s get into bed, darlin’.”

I nod, climbing off Julian’s lap. I strip down, grabbing the shirt Julian slept in last night, and pull it over my head. The soft fabric feels like perfection and when Julian’s scent surrounds me, I can’t help but smile. I fucking love this, and I’m tired of pretending I don’t.

By the time that I’m wrapped up in his arms, soaking in his warmth, I feel better—all the previous anxiety gone. “I’m sorry,” I say again, needing to make sure he knows it.

“Holden,” he sighs. “Stop apologizing. Everything’s okay.”

“Okay,” I whisper, burying my face in his chest. “I love you.”

“I love you too, darlin’.”