Page 34 of Healed Hearts (Mended Hearts #2)

Chapter Thirty-Three

Holden

“ I ’m going to Julian’s tonight.”

Beck grins at me. “Yeah, I figured. I mean, you drove yourself today. It’d be strange if you drove yourself and planned on coming back with me.”

Yeah, that makes sense. I’m exhausted, though, so my brain isn’t quite working at full capacity. After we all got blood drawn for the HLA typing, I stayed with Julian. But then I worked my three scheduled days and picked up an extra shift. So between being worn out from work, being emotionally wrung out, and not seeing Julian and Wren in four days, I’m over it.

Beck’s voice pulls my attention back to him. “Hold, you okay?”

I nod. “Yeah, just tired.”

“Tired? You look dead on your feet. Let me drive you.”

I wave him off. “I’m fine.”

He raises an eyebrow at me. “You’re not fine. Have you even slept this week?”

Truthfully? Not really. It’s so fucked to sleep without Julian. I’m not sure how I managed before, honestly. It sucks. It takes forever for me to fall asleep and then when I finally do, I wake up over and over. “Somewhat.”

“Yeah, somewhat doesn’t work for me. Let me drive you. Leave your car. Either you and Julian can come get it tomorrow, or Roman and I will.”

I nod. I don’t really have any interest in arguing with him. As long as I get to Julian’s, I couldn’t give a shit less how I get there. I need him. I’m tired of pretending I don’t. Maybe it makes me clingy, but something has to change. I’m miserable. Leaving work, knowing I’m going back to my empty bed at Beck and Ro’s house, feels awful. I hate it.

The five minutes he takes to finish up and walk into the parking lot with me feels like a damn lifetime. I’m dying to feel Julian’s arms around me, dying to get Wren back in my line of sight. Julian and I have texted a lot, and video called each other at night, but it’s not the same. He’s kinda ruined me.

Beck walks toward me. “You ready to go?”

I’ve been ready to go. For like ever at this point, but I know if I open my mouth, something shitty is going to come out, so I keep it closed and nod instead.

We walk side by side to his car, and the second we’re on the road, I can barely contain myself. My leg is bouncing, my fingers tapping anxiously against my thigh. I feel slightly out of control, like I’m going to explode. Beck must sense it because he doesn’t talk to me the entire way there, but I can feel him glancing at me every so often.

By the time we’re pulling into the driveway, I’m ready to crawl out of my skin. I unbuckle and open the door before Beck even comes to a complete stop, barely acknowledging his request for me to let him know if we’re going to get my car or if they need to.

When I step through the front door, I see Wren first. She’s sitting on the floor in front of the TV, watching a movie with blocks stacked in front of her—so entranced that she doesn’t even look up at me. Julian steps into the living room from the kitchen. When he sees me, a smile lights up his face, and all the emotion and fucking misery of the last few days hit me all at once.

I thought for sure when everything boiling inside me came to a head, it would be anger. I thought it would explode with snarky comments and a shitty tone. Instead, it comes out in a sob. A sob that pulls Wren’s attention to me immediately. I bring a hand up to cover my mouth, but another bubbles to the surface before I can stop it. I turn to leave, not wanting Wren to see me like this. Her reactions to Julian getting upset are always so visceral that I don’t want to subject her to that from me.

I’ve barely cleared the door when strong arms wrap around my waist and pull me right back inside. “Excuse me, darlin’. Where do you think you’re going?” I can’t even answer. My throat is too tight, my chest hitching with my muffled sobs. “What’s going on, Hold?”

I inhale a shuddering breath, trying to get myself under control.

“Holden okay?” Wren’s soft, inquisitive voice would have me doubling over if not for Julian’s tight grip on me.

I force my emotions down, trying to wrangle them back into their hiding places. Wiping at my face, which I’m sure is streaked with eyeliner, I turn to her. “I’m okay, pretty girl.”

She pats my leg, much like she did to Julian’s chest the other day. “Love you, Holden.”

I have to squeeze my eyes closed at the rush of emotions that try to force themselves back up at her words. Is it normal to miss someone this much? To love someone’s child this much? For your happiness to be so dependent on them? I think I might be broken or something. “I love you too.”

She grins at me, and apparently happy with the state of things, takes back off to watch her movie.

In quick succession, I’m being turned and lifted into Julian’s arms. I wrap my arms tightly around his neck as my legs find their way around his waist. Burying my face in his shoulder, I take in a deep breath through my nose, sucking in his scent like it alone can soothe the ragged edges of my feelings. To be fair, it kind of is. At least a little. He’s quiet for a minute, but then he sighs. “Let’s go to the bedroom, darlin’.”

I nod. “What about Wren, though?”

He tightens his hold on me as he starts walking toward his open bedroom door. “She’ll be alright. She’ll come get us if she needs something.”

Us. I like that. There being an us. I mean, obviously, there’s an us, but that he included me in that statement. Like if Wren needed something, she wouldn’t just be seeking out her dad, but me as well. “Okay.”

When Julian makes it to his room, he sits down on the bed, adjusting and maneuvering until we’re in one of my favorite positions—him sitting against the headboard with me straddling his lap, our bodies touching at almost every point. The only thing I like better is when we go to sleep, and I’m sprawled out on his body.

He traces my spine with his fingertips. “What’s going on, darlin’?”

I try hard to focus long enough to get my thoughts in order, but what comes out is a jumbled hot mess of word vomit. “I hate being away from you guys. The texting is fine, and the video calls are better, but it’s not the same. Beck drove me here because I’m so tired from not being able to sleep that he didn’t want to let me drive myself. I wake up every day and hate that I’m not waking up with you and when I go to sleep, I toss and turn all night. I’m miserable. This is awful. I thought it was fine. But it’s not. It’s really not fine. We have to do something different. I can’t keep doing this.” I drag in a heaving breath. Did I even breathe the entire time I was talking? Not sure.

Julian chuckles softly, which almost makes me cry again. I know it wasn’t the most eloquent thing I’ve ever said, but it’s not nice for him to make fun of me. “So move in with me.”

I jerk back to stare at him, my jaw dropping open in shock. “What? I can’t do that.”

He tilts his head to the side. “Why not?”

Why would he even suggest that? You can’t just move in with someone because you miss them. I mean, sure, I love him and he loves me and we want to be together, but you don’t jump right into that, right? Okay, so Beck and Ro did. Twice. But it’s different for them. There were extenuating circumstances. Both times. Missing someone isn’t a good enough reason to move in with them. “Because it’s like way too soon for all that, right? That’s insane.”

He shrugs. “Says who?”

“Um, everyone?” What in the world is he not understanding about this?

He chuckles again. “Now, I figure there are things we still need to learn about each other, but I never took you as the type who cares about what ‘everyone’ says.”

“Well… no. But this is different.”

“I don’t think so at all. We love each other, yeah?” He pauses, so I nod. It’s basically what I just said in my own head. “Okay. And we want to be together?” Another pause, another nod. “Cool. So move in with me.”

I open my mouth to protest, but he cuts me off. “I’m miserable without you. You’re miserable without me. You love my daughter and she loves you. I want you to move in. I hate when you leave too. You’re part of us. You belong here.”

“But what if something goes wrong, and we hate being together?”

He pauses, seeming to consider my words carefully. “I don’t see that happening, but it’s a fair question. The truth is, I don’t know. I can’t imagine a world where I’d hate being with you. You’re everything. I love you so much it feels like my heart might explode. Sure, it may be fast, but that doesn’t make it less real. Not to mention that we’ve been through more together in the short months we’ve known each other than most people go through in years. I’d love for you to be here—sharing this life with me, raising Wren with me, if that’s something you want. Fuck, we can have ten more kids. The details aren’t all that important. I told you already, losing Maya realigned my perspective. You never know what life will bring, darlin’. But if I want this and you want this, who gives a shit what anyone else thinks?”

My heart’s pounding so hard in my chest, I’m surprised Julian can’t hear it. I can’t do that, can I? God, I ache to, though. I hate leaving them and being gone for days. It fucks my entire week up. It’s literally the worst . I can’t sleep. I can barely focus. Being in love is so fucked up. The thought of not having to leave anymore? Making breakfast with Wren? Having Julian next to me every night? Getting to be a part of her bedtime process in person instead of hearing it through the phone? Yes. Fuck yes. All the yes. I find myself nodding. “Okay, yeah. I want to move in.”

Julian pulls me toward him, crushing me against his body with a relieved sort of happy sound. I sink into his warmth, soaking it in, and letting it fill all the holes and cracks the last four days added to my soul. My stomach flips in nervous anticipation. Holy shit. I’ve never lived with someone before. Not like this. My parents and Ro. Well, and Beck too, of course. “Holy shit,” I say out loud.

Julian laughs, happy and carefree, the sound rumbling against my chest. “You’re off the next three days, right? We’ll get with Beck and Roman and see if they can help us move you in. Does that work for you?”

Beck and Ro. Oh, fuck. What are they going to think about this? Surely they aren’t going to be mad, right? A strange ache forms in my stomach. I haven’t spent a day without seeing Ro at least once in over ten years. “I’m going to miss Ro,” I whisper.

Julian draws back, creating enough space between us that he can look at me. “We don’t have to do this, darlin’. If you’re not ready, that’s fine. I can come stay with you more oft—”

I cut him off with a kiss. His hands slide up my back and into my hair. This feels like oxygen. Like it’s necessary. Like it’s a big part of my reason for living. When Julian’s tongue finds its way into my mouth, a whimper falls from my throat. His fingers tighten and he uses his grip to gently turn my head, further deepening the kiss. By the time he pulls back, I’m breathless. “No. I don’t need more time. It’s been way too long since you’ve kissed me like that,” I murmur.

His pupils are blown wide, a slight flush on his cheeks. “Yeah, it has. Good thing pretty soon I’ll be able to kiss you like that every day.”

My heart skips a beat as my stomach flips. Oh shit. I’m really going to move in with Julian. “Are you worried about what Wren will think?” I don’t want to ask. Like the last time I questioned him about Wren, I’m overcome with fear that he will change his mind.

He shakes my head. “No, darlin’. I never worry about Wren with you.” He leans in, gently nuzzling me with his nose. “You’re great with her. I couldn’t ask for a better person to be a part of our lives.”

I hum, taking in his gentle touches. “Did you mean it about having more kids?”

“Of course. I’d love more kids. You’re going to be such a wonderful dad. You have such a large capacity for love, and you’re so kind and patient.”

Tears prick my eyes. I hope so. All I’ve ever wanted is to have my own family. Where my children would know that they’d have endless love and support, never having to question themselves over who they love, never have to deal with losing their family and being on the streets. “Not sure about ten, though.”

Julian chuckles. “Yeah, I’m with you on that. I was being dramatic.”

I sigh. “Okay. Thank you for… well, everything really.”

Julian shakes his head. “No, darlin’. Thank you for everything.”

We make a late dinner, with me basically glued to Julian’s side. I’m sure it made his task harder, but I can’t really help it. The clingy level is off the charts. I really just need that extra physical touch and connection tonight.

After we eat, Julian gives Wren a bath while I clean up the kitchen, and then I make my way into her bedroom to help her get into bed. Julian, of course, doesn’t need my help, but I still want to be here.

He settles himself beside her bed on the floor and starts singing to her. It’s some older country song that I’ve heard on the radio before. The soft way he sings it with his deep drawl makes my heart do crazy things. Especially with the complete look of adoration on her face. Her daddy is her entire world, and she’s his, and you can see it in every interaction they have. They’re too precious for words. And somehow Julian saw something in me —fucked up, trauma-riddled me— that he thought was good enough to share his life with.

As his voice fades from one song and starts into another, Wren’s eyes lock on mine, and she grins around the thumb in her mouth. By the end of the song, her eyes are fluttering closed. I’m not sure if she’s always this easy to get to sleep or if it’s because of her blood levels. I’m trying really hard to not fixate on it. I can’t be her nurse, but I’m having a hard time separating nurse me and normal me when it comes to her. I feel like I’m constantly on edge, watching and waiting to see how she’s doing or if she needs to go back for another transfusion.

Julian leans forward, pressing a kiss to her forehead, and then slowly stands. He walks toward me and without me even having to say a word, holds his arms open to me. The second I step into his embrace, he’s lifting me off the ground, cradling me against his chest. “Let’s go lie down, darlin’. I need you in my arms and in my bed like I need air.”

Swoon.

“Yes, please.”

Once we make it to his bedroom, he puts me back on my feet and shuts the door. He turns to me with a soft smile. He looks as tired as I feel, and I can’t fucking wait to get a good night’s sleep again. “Wanna come shower with me?”

He nods instantly, pulling his shirt over his head in one quick motion. I’d almost laugh if I wasn’t so fucking relieved that he agreed so quickly. Ugh. I know I have the tendency to be a little co-dependent and clingy, but this is a lot, even for me. “Are you tired of me clinging to you yet?”

He pauses in unbuttoning his jeans to look at me. “Why do you ask that? Am I doing something to make you think I am?”

I slowly shake my head. “No. I just worry that maybe it’s too much. I can try to dial it down.”

He’s on me in two strides, his hands coming up to grasp my chin, tilting my head back so I’m looking up at him. “Not a chance in hell. I love how physically affectionate you are. I think you’d break my heart if you stopped. I’ve never been with anyone who loves touch the way you do, but I love it.”

“Okay.” My voice comes out in a whisper and the smile he gives me is so blinding it leaves me a little dazed.

“Shower?” he asks, taking a step back.

“Yeah, shower.” I strip myself down, tossing my scrubs into the hamper beside his closet, and step into the bathroom. Julian follows closely behind me.

He steps past me, turning on the shower for us. He gestures for me to step in, and then he’s coming in after me. The second the hot water hits my skin, I shiver. God, this has been the longest four days in existence. I wet my hair, then reach for the shampoo. Julian chides me, pulling my hand away. “Let me, darlin’.”

Damn, don’t have to tell me twice. I drop my hands back to my sides, closing my eyes when his fingers find their way into my hair. I groan as he works the shampoo into the strands, massaging my scalp and the backs of my ears.

He spends the whole shower slowly working his way down my body—rubbing soap into my skin with his bare hands, working out tension and knots I didn’t even know I had until I’m a boneless mess, barely able to support my own weight.

When he’s finished, I force my eyes back open to find him gazing down at me, love shining in the deep brown of his eyes. “You ready?” he asks softly, like he’s trying to preserve the atmosphere he’s created.

“What about you?” My voice is almost slurred by how relaxed I am.

“I showered earlier. I got in with you to take care of you.”

Oh. I like that. He’s always so damn sweet to me. I nod. When we step out of the shower, I watch as he wraps a towel around his waist without drying off. Droplets of water are dripping onto his face from his hair and trailing down his chest. He looks too damn good, honestly. He takes his time drying me off, his touch gentle and sure. “Go lie down on your stomach. I’ll be right there.” He punctuates the words with a kiss on the top of my head.

I have no idea what he has planned, but I’m finding that I’m not worried enough to ask. So when I step into the room, I do as he asks, settling myself in the center of the bed on my stomach before letting my eyes fall closed.

I hear him come in, and then he’s opening something. I open one eye to see what he’s doing as he reaches his hand into a container. “What is that?”

He glances up at me. “Coconut oil. It’s good for massaging, but it’s also edible and tastes good.”

“Massaging?”

He hums. “Yeah, if that’s alright.”

Yeah, that would be perfect. “Yes, please.”

His soft chuckle echoes through the room. I close my eye, relaxing into the bed. Big, warm hands start at my right foot, his thumbs working into my heels. After a few minutes, he shifts to my ankle, rubbing and pressing into my skin before working his way up to my calf.

Holy shit, this feels so good.