Page 24 of Healed Hearts (Mended Hearts #2)

Chapter Twenty-Three

Holden

I ’m nervous. Of course I am, but I’m also curious—and if my throbbing cock is anything to go by—turned on—about the possibility of having sex with Julian like this. I never thought this would even be a remote possibility for me. Partly because I always assumed no one would ever want me to, but mostly because I was too afraid of hurting someone. Like I was hurt.

Julian groans against my lips, dragging me back to him and the moment. I tighten my hold on his shirt, trying to pull him closer to me. Jesus, I’m a fucking fiend for his touch. I’ve always liked physical affection, but now? It’s a hundred times worse.

“Hold, you’re good,” he murmurs as he pulls back from me.

“Of course I am,” I say with a big grin and a salacious wink.

“Darlin’, I love your ability to laugh through hard things, but you’re in your own head. You’re okay. We are okay. Relax.”

My shoulders slump. Fuck. This is ridiculous.

“Okay. I have an idea,” Julian says.

I nod, all ears. Literally anything that will help me relax and let me enjoy this.

“Let’s get undressed and make out like horny teenagers. No pressure, no expectations.”

“Ooo. I may struggle with that. Never got to be a horny teenager.”

He sighs, biting the inside of his cheek in what looks like a failing attempt to keep a smile off his face. A laugh bubbles in my chest as he tries to narrow his eyes at me and look stern. I cover my mouth to keep it in, but it doesn’t help. When the laugh breaks free, he watches me for a second, but then his lips twitch, and he’s laughing too. I never thought I’d find someone who would do this with me. Hell, even Beck, who is perfect for Ro in every way, doesn’t laugh at trauma with him.

“Beck doesn’t laugh when Roman trauma dumps,” I muse. “You know what this means, right?” I ask, sitting back so I can pull my shirt off and slip out of my pants.

Julian shakes his head, his gaze glued to my body as I slowly unveil it to him. Once I’m fully naked, I press my body into his until he falls backward to the bed. “It means that I’m the winner,” I whisper, before covering his mouth with mine. His hands come up automatically, holding me by my hips.

He groans low in his throat as I tease his parted lips with the tip of my tongue. He’s right, though. I can do horny make out. It basically requires no brain power at this point, which is a good thing since it seems to make me lose all brain power. I reach between us, pulling on the hem of his shirt until his stomach is exposed, and then I drop myself back on top of him—soaking in his warmth, the way his hair feels against my skin, and the way his lips move against mine.

Before long, my cock is aching, leaking against Julian’s skin, my hips moving on their own, chasing the friction of his body. I pull back from his lips. He moans when I kiss my way down his jaw and throat. “Will you get undressed, please?” I murmur.

He nods, so I climb off him and kneel between his spread legs. He sits up, pulling off his shirt and tossing it to the floor in one smooth move. He doesn’t try to hide from me anymore when he’s undressed, thank God. I watch in amusement as he wiggles around, trying to pull his pants off. Once they’re finally free, I stare down at his thick dick, flushed and leaking.

He pulls a knee up, exposing the entrance to his body to me. Heat and fear flood me in equal parts, but he doesn’t give me time to linger. He sits up, leaning against the headboard. “Wanna come sit in my lap, darlin’?”

The second the question leaves his mouth, I’m scrambling into his lap, straddling his hips. Our cocks brush as I get settled, and he moans. Fuck, that sound is so hot. He grips my hips, pulling me in flush until our cocks are trapped together between us, and then we’re kissing again. Desperate kisses that are more teeth and tongue than anything else, whimpers falling from my throat as I move my hips.

He pulls back, panting against my lips. “Can I touch your ass?”

“You can touch me anywhere you want,” I whisper, slamming our mouths back together. His hands slide down my hips to cup my ass, then he’s kneading the skin and using his tight hold to move me, dragging my length over his, until I’m shaking and whining. My balls pull tight to my body as fire burns down my spine.

“Fuck, too close,” I whimper, trying like hell to hold off and not come.

He pulls back reluctantly, releasing his grip on me. A shudder works its way through my body, my cock throbbing in time with my heartbeat. Fuck, that was way too close. “Do you still want more?” he whispers. “We can get off like this if you’d rather.”

Closing my eyes, I take stock of my body. Do I want to do more? I think so. I let myself picture what it would be like. There’s a dull sense of anxiety, but not actual fear. More want than anything else. I open my eyes and nod. “I want more. I need to get you ready, right? Will you tell me how?” I ask, swallowing nervously.

His throat bobs, and he stares at me like I’m the best thing he’s ever seen. “Or you can watch.”

My cock lurches. Fuck. “Okay, yeah.” I climb off his lap, and he glances around with a contemplative look on his face. Ugh. He has to hate this. What kind of man wants to think about the logistics of having sex with someone who has so many fucking hang-ups? Most normal people would be fine with this. And here I am, zero knowledge of what I’m even supposed to be doing. My experience with prep is a couple of gobs of spit and excruciating pain.

“Holden.”

I dart my eyes to Julian. “What?”

“What’s that face? If you don’t want to do this, we don’t have to.”

“No, it’s not that. I’m just thinking you deserve something better than this,” I say, motioning to my cock, which has softened considerably since my mind spiraled out of control.

To my utter surprise, Julian rolls his eyes. “How about you let me worry about what I deserve?”

I scoff. “Are you seriously going to deny that this doesn’t suck for you? You’re looking around like you’re wondering how you got yourself into this position.”

He levels me with a glare so intense that it could rival even mine. I’m impressed, and honestly a little turned on. “I’m looking around because I’m huge, and you’re a tiny little chaos twink, and I’m trying to figure out the best way to position myself so I can see your face.”

Choosing to ignore the chaos twink thing for now because… “Really?”

“Yes, really. I figured you’d feel better if you could see that you aren’t hurting me. And I’ll feel better if I can see that gorgeous face of yours.” My lips twitch into a smile. “Now, if you wouldn’t mind. I’ve got a show to put on for my boyfriend.”

Boyfriend? I mean, I guess that makes sense, right? Hell, we’ve already done the I love you stuff. But something about him calling me his boyfriend makes warmth spread through my body. I nod, smiling at him. “Okay, sorry. Continue.”

He drops a kiss to my lips while I try not to let myself get in my own head about the fact that we’re no longer making out like horny teenagers. Instead, most of the heat has faded away, and we’re both soft. So sexy. Trauma for the win. I have to resist the urge to roll my eyes.

“Holden,” Julian says again, and I look up to find him lying back on the bed with his hips propped up on a couple of pillows, a condom in one hand and a bottle of lube in another. My throat goes dry. I force myself to swallow as he pops open the bottle of lube and wets his fingers. “Lube. Always. Lots, okay?” he says, watching me.

I nod. He spreads his legs, letting them fall back, exposing his soft cock and hole. My breathing speeds up as he brings his hand between his legs, his finger circling the skin between his balls and his entrance. He lets out a little sound and his cock perks up a bit. He dips his finger a little lower, massaging the small opening with it for a second before slipping the tip inside. Heat floods my body at the sound he makes, at the way his hole flutters around the intrusion. He pushes in a little deeper and my cock twitches. Fuck, that’s really hot. I dart my eyes to his face and his head is thrown back, his eyes closed. He doesn’t seem like he has a care in the world.

I look back down, watching as he pumps his finger slowly in and out of himself. When it’s moving smoothly with no resistance, he pulls it free and pushes two in. The groan he lets out as his cock thickens further has me shifting back and forth, a whine working its way up my throat.

Oh shit. He really does like this.

By the time he’s pushing three fingers inside his body, his cock is fully hard again. He crooks his fingers and his hips twitch. My own dick is hard between my legs, the sight of his pleasure turning me on beyond belief. “Fuck. Can I try?” I ask, swallowing against the nerves.

He groans. “Yes, please.”

I open the bottle of lube and slick up my fingers. He pulls his free, and I bring my hand up, swallowing hard at the sight of his wet hole. “Holy shit.”

“You’re okay. You’re not going to hurt me.”

I nod and slide a single finger into him. His hips lift off the bed and I can’t tell if it’s a good thing or not, so I look up at him. He’s staring at me with open lust in his expression, his eyes absolutely burning with it. I feel myself relax. God, he’s so warm inside. So tight and ugh. My cock throbs. A breathy sound escapes him and his head drops back. “Keep going, darlin’. Please,” he begs.

I take a shaky breath and add a second finger, marveling at how smooth he feels. “How much do you need?” I ask, still a bit worried.

“I’m good now. But I’m fine to wait until you’re comfortable.”

I lowkey don’t want to wait. I’m scared if I do, I’ll lose my nerve. Plus, I can admit to myself, if nothing else, that the thought of sliding into his body doesn’t fill me with horror. I’m actually aching with desire to do exactly that, so I pull my fingers free and reach for the condom.

I roll the condom down my swollen erection, then add copious amounts of lube. I scoot forward until I’m kneeling between Julian’s spread legs. “I think I need you to keep looking at me,” I whisper.

“Wouldn’t want to look anywhere else, darlin’.”

I notch the head of my cock against his hole. The heat of his body, even through the condom, is fucking insane. “Are you sure?” I ask.

He nods frantically. His hands are flexing against the blankets under him, and his hips are rocking slightly like he can’t even attempt to keep himself still. It’s incredibly sexy, and watching him is not going to be good for my stamina, but the desperation he’s exuding makes me feel better. It’s proof that he wants this. That he’s enjoying it. I tilt my hips, pushing slightly until the head of my cock pops inside him. He moans loudly, gripping the blankets in his hands, his body trembling. Oh god. Holy fuck. That’s… “So tight,” I gasp.

I keep my eyes on his as I push further, sinking into his tight warmth inch by inch. His eyes keep fluttering, but he forces them back open. I love that he’s doing this for me. That he’s watching me, keeping his eyes open so I don’t freak out. My hips brush his ass, and I glance down, realizing for the first time that I’m fully inside him.

I look back at him. “Are you okay?”

“Uh-huh. Perfect, yeah.” His voice is breathy, almost a little whiny and oh God, that should not be making me feel like this, right? My cock is throbbing, my toes curling. I’m not going to blow like a damn virgin. Although, I guess technically this is my first time.

Julian’s soft whimper brings my attention back to him. “Fuck, Hold. I need you to move. You’re driving me crazy. Move, please.”

He’s begging me. My cock jerks. Fuck, he’s really enjoying this. I pull my hips back and thrust in again. He chokes out a low groan, his eyes rolling back. Watching him is a terrible idea.

“How do I make you feel good?” I ask, knowing damn well this is going to be over for me sooner rather than later.

“Keep going, Hold. This is… fuck, please keep going,” he begs, the desperate quality of his voice making me suck in a sharp breath. I pull out again, and push back in, dropping my eyes to watch my cock slide into his body.

“You feel so good,” I groan. I’m never going to last. God, this is incredible.

“More,” he gasps, so I grip his thigh in my hand, pushing it back further and rock my hips into him over and over. I trust him to stop me if he needs me to. But judging by the sounds he’s letting out, the way his face is twisted in pleasure, that’s not going to happen.

Pleasure sparks in my body as I stare into his half-lidded eyes. He pulls his bottom lip between his teeth as I pick up the pace of my thrusts, chasing the feelings buzzing through my body. “I’m close. I want to make you feel good. Please, I need to,” I choke out, tears burning my eyes.

His eyes soften. “You’re doing fine, darlin’. Keep going. I promise I feel good.”

I nod, my hips slamming into him, my body right on edge. He tightens around me and my hips jerk, my cock pulsing. Oh god, I can’t hold back. My entire body trembles, heat pooling in my stomach. Julian’s head tips back, his back arching, hands pulling roughly on the blankets. “Coming,” he groans. I drop my eyes, watching as his cock swells and cum shoots out, covering his stomach.

My orgasm hits me like a tidal wave, a sob breaking from my chest as it does. My hips lose their rhythm as I fill the condom, pleasure washing over me, sending warmth through my limbs and making my skin tingle. Tears fill my eyes and spill over. I’ve never felt anything like this in my entire life. “Julian,” I sob. I’m not really sure what I need, but it’s all… so much. It’s almost too much and I just… I just…

He reaches for me, pulling me down to his chest, and wraps one arm tightly around me. “It’s okay, darlin’. You’re okay,” he whispers, fingers brushing my sweaty hair off my face. “You’re okay. Let it out.”

Let it out, I do. I sob against his chest, shaking, my world narrowing to this. To me and him and the beauty of what we shared. The connection. The fucking love . He was right. This is nothing like what was done to me. This was everything. This was healing. This was perfection. This is what I want for the rest of my life. “I love you,” I whimper into his skin, my tears finally slowing.

“I love you too. So much,” he whispers, his hold on me strong, his fingers still playing with my hair. “Let’s get rid of the condom, okay? Then I’ll hold you.”

I nod against him, pulling out. I remove the condom and tie it off before climbing from the bed on shaky legs and going to the bathroom to throw it away and get something to clean Julian off. The second I step into the bathroom, I nearly get the shit scared out of me. “What are you doing, darlin’?”

When I turn, I find Julian standing in the bathroom doorway looking like a wet dream—cum smeared in his chest hair, his brow quirked. “Uh, getting something to clean you off,” I murmur.

He reaches over, grabbing a hand towel off the hanger and wets it before wiping me down, and then himself. He tosses it to the floor and picks me up, cradling me against his chest, and walks back to the bed.

I know I gave him shit earlier about him carrying me around everywhere, but does it make me a weirdo if I admit I actually really love it? He gets settled under the covers and I tuck my face into his neck, breathing in his scent. “I’m sorry for crying,” I whisper.

He chuckles, trailing his fingers up and down my spine. “No need to be sorry. I saw it coming.”

“How?”

“Your face. I was watching you as closely as you were watching me. I could tell you were overwhelmed. It’s a lot, opening yourself up like that.”

“You were right,” I whisper, fresh tears welling up. “It’s not the same at all.”

He turns his head, pressing his lips to my hair. “I knew you’d have to experience it to see it. Thank you for trusting me.”

“I feel like you were the one that needed to trust me, not the other way around.”

“Not true, Holden. Trust goes both ways. Just because you were the one in control—for lack of a better word—doesn’t mean that you didn’t need to trust me.”

Huh, that’s a good point, I guess. I do trust him. A lot. More than I thought would be possible. I snuggle deeper into his embrace. “Hey, Julian?” I ask after a few minutes of comfortable silence.

“Yeah?” he asks.

“Next time, you’ll touch me, right?”

I can almost feel his grin, even though I can’t see it. “Yes, darlin’. Next time, I’ll touch you. I’ll do whatever you want.”

“Okay,” I whisper, closing my eyes. His soft touch on my back almost has me asleep when a thought pops into my head. “Can we go get tested? I don’t want to use condoms from now on.”

“I’d like that,” he murmurs, his hands slowing their strokes, his breathing evening out.

“I love you,” I whisper, needing to say it again, needing him to hear it.

“Mmm. I love you too.”